Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend BU or am I?

63 replies

Ohitsawonderfultime · 15/11/2023 17:30

This is long one sorry! My DD is 5 weeks old. Immediate family and 2 of mine and DPs mutual friends have met DD so far.

My close friend is being shitty towards me because she hasn’t met DD yet. Today she called me to say I’m a shit friend because she hasn’t met my DD and then went on to say the following:

She said she was pissed off that I didn’t invite her to visit me in hospital. She was upset I didn’t call her on her birthday, DD was born on that day in the early evening but I sent her a text earlier that day.

She told me her depression has got worse because she hasn’t met DD. She’s upset that I don’t allow her to come up on Sundays when her DD is at her dad’s. Family have visited every Sunday since DD was born except the one just gone my partner took DD out to his parents for the day whilst I got some rest. I said we can meet up to catch up the other day but when I said I don’t have DD she didn’t reply.

She’s upset I don’t stay on the phone to her for hours anymore. She used to call me every morning and stay on the phone for hours whilst we were both working from home but now I just don’t have the time to do that. I come off the phone as soon as DD starts fussing.

Shes unemployed at the moment so can visit during the week whilst her DD is at school and I have said come up several times. She said she can’t as my road has parking restrictions so she’ll have to pay to park. I offered to pay. There have been 2 occasions on a Monday she said she’s coming in the evening as her DD is at dads (parking is free after 5) and didn't turn up. I said no to a visit 2 weeks ago because she had a cold and tonsillitis. She was annoyed.

I arranged to meet up tomorrow but just this evening my partner has told me he might have surgery tomorrow (very last minute due to a chronic health condition so they want to get him in asap due to complications he’s experienced last couple weeks) I mentioned this and she got even more angry at me. I snapped and said you know what fine I can’t be bothered I’ll pander to you. She said yay and laughed saying she was joking around?

She’s now saying I need to come to her because of my parking restrictions. I had an emergency c section so I can only take the bus as I am not supposed to drive for 6 weeks. It takes 1.5 hours by bus to get to her or a cab is £30 one way. She said she’ll pick me up half way after her DD finishes school. I asked if she can do earlier as I need to be around just incase my partner does in fact need surgery. I’ll need to be at home for the late afternoon/early evening as the hospital is 10 mins away just incase I need to bring him anything or he’s discharged after. Also I said it’s cold i don’t want to be travelling late with DD. She said I need to re evaluate my priorities because I’ll lose her as a friend and put the phone down.

Am I a shit friend? I think she’s being bonkers but I’m very tired and irritable right now so I could be wrong.

OP posts:
Heyhoherewegoagain · 15/11/2023 17:34

I didn’t know being invited to visit in hospital was a thing

bigageap · 15/11/2023 17:34

Surely you don’t think this is normal behaviour from your friend?

you don’t need this drama in your life!

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 17:37

Good lord, please don't get involved with her drama, you've far more important things to deal with!

Justcallmebebes · 15/11/2023 17:37

No, she's placing waaay too much pressure on you. That's not what a true friend does. I'd leave her to flounce and sulk

PrinceHaz · 15/11/2023 17:37

She’s utterly bizarre. If a man was doing this to you, it would be categorised as control and abuse.
Dies she gave some sort of personality disorder?
Life’s too short. Bin her for good.

millsiem · 15/11/2023 17:37

You've given her opportunities to visit though...? So what more is she expecting?

She sounds like too much drama for me!

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 15/11/2023 17:39

Your 5 week old is not an emotional crutch for your batshit friend.

If she wants to see the baby, she's welcome to come. You've even offered to pay for her parking ffs!

It appears that what she actually wants is not to see your baby, but to cause sufficient drama that all your attention is on her, and not on your baby.

Like I said. Batshit.

Mummymummy89 · 15/11/2023 17:40

She told me her depression has got worse because she hasn’t met DD

She's totally bonkers. This would already be extreme from a grandparent, but your friend isn't even related to the baby.

Back away pronto. You don't want this kind of craziness around your child...!

Riverlee · 15/11/2023 17:40

You are not a shit friend, she is.

You’ve invited her and tried to accommodate her, but she’s refused. You’ve done nothing wrong. You have a new baby, so of course your life and priorities have changed.

if you loose her as a friend, I don’t think it will be any great loss. She sounds very draining, and demanding.

tinkerbellvspredator · 15/11/2023 17:40

YABU to have put up with any of this nonsense in the first place.

HulaChick · 15/11/2023 17:41

She is putting unnecessary pressure on you and not being at all fair, sympathetic or behaving like a,real friend. Do not take the bus, or meet her half way. You do not want to take a 5 week old baby, after a cesarean, out on public transport or in the cold. Stay at home & enjoy your baby. She does not sound like a caring friend & sounds totally selfish. Put yours & your baby's needs first. Stay home, quiet & in the warm 😊

Mummymummy89 · 15/11/2023 17:41

You've even offered to pay for her parking. You are definitely, definitely not being unreasonable

MonsteraMama · 15/11/2023 17:41

Your focus right now should be your recovery from major surgery, bonding with your new baby, and your partner and his surgery.

I suggest you take her advice immediately.

Re-evaluate your priorities and lose her as a friend.

Clarinet1 · 15/11/2023 17:46

Well someone’s a shit friend here and it’s not you!

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 15/11/2023 17:48

OP please do not travel 1.5 hours with a 5 week old while your Dh is getting surgery. Absolutely mad. Everything you've said seems batshit crazy to me but the strangest bit is she is desperate to see your DD to the point of being more depressed, but wont because she doesn't want to pay for parking!! Even if this wasn't insane enough, she is unemployed so why can't she get the bus to you?

She sounds really unhinged. Is this new behaviour for her? Either she is having a bipolar episode or some other MH breakdown or she is a nasty controlling person who is best avoided. Either way you need to be careful not to get too involved. If it were me I'd cancel tomorrow and at the same time maybe ask one more time if she will come to yours instead. If she does you can suss out what's really going on, if not I think you need to extract yourself from the friendship.

I'd be interested to know what your DH or other mutual pals think of her and if she has form for this type of behaviour.

Original poster
Ohitsawonderfultime · 15/11/2023 17:50

Not that I’m aware of, but I was questioning whether she does infact have a personality disorder. I tried to give her the benefit of doubt as she lost her job and could be stressed and I’m getting the brunt of it but it’s not an excuse. I feel drained from her shitty phone call and messages today.

OP posts:
PotterHead1985 · 15/11/2023 17:55

Honestly she sounds like the shit friend. At first I thought it was down to her being child free and not understanding your new circumstances etc, but then you mention she has a DD. I also get she would love to meet your baby, but it sounds very much she ONLY wants to see your baby, and not you. Add to that your C-section, your DHs medical issue and her complete unwillingness to understand either of those, her lack of compromise and overall bossiness and she just sounds like a complete CF.

mn29 · 15/11/2023 17:57

You have a 5 week old and you’re recovering from major surgery. You don’t owe anything to anyone, it’s a struggle just to do much more than get showered, dressed and feed yourself at this stage whilst you look after the needs of a newborn. The only person who is unreasonable here is your ‘friend’. If you’re going to “lose her as a friend” over this then good riddance, frankly.

hotcandle · 15/11/2023 17:59

I would ghost this friend.

So much drama and self centeredness when you've just went through a major operation.

A reminder that the world doesn't revolve around her would do her a lot of good.

Riverlee · 15/11/2023 18:02

Also, this should be a joyful time for you (despite the tiredness etch. Don’t let her spoil this time for you. She’s not your priority, your family is.

Avatartar · 15/11/2023 18:04

Your friend is just realising she is in competition with your baby and doesn’t like it. She’s very immature and not behaving as an adult. Sounds like she needs some professional help. Your responsibility is your baby, not babysitting your pal. She needs to visit you - at your house when it’s convenient to baby’s routine

Creepy2023 · 15/11/2023 18:11

Make zero effort. If she wants to see you she can show up at your house at a mutually agreed time.

Creepy2023 · 15/11/2023 18:15

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 15/11/2023 17:48

OP please do not travel 1.5 hours with a 5 week old while your Dh is getting surgery. Absolutely mad. Everything you've said seems batshit crazy to me but the strangest bit is she is desperate to see your DD to the point of being more depressed, but wont because she doesn't want to pay for parking!! Even if this wasn't insane enough, she is unemployed so why can't she get the bus to you?

She sounds really unhinged. Is this new behaviour for her? Either she is having a bipolar episode or some other MH breakdown or she is a nasty controlling person who is best avoided. Either way you need to be careful not to get too involved. If it were me I'd cancel tomorrow and at the same time maybe ask one more time if she will come to yours instead. If she does you can suss out what's really going on, if not I think you need to extract yourself from the friendship.

I'd be interested to know what your DH or other mutual pals think of her and if she has form for this type of behaviour.

Bipolar is nothing like her behaviour. Please don't add to stigma with a random diagnosis.

Strictlymad · 15/11/2023 18:19

I wouldn’t be too worried about loosing a friend that treats you in this dispicable manner. If she cared about you she would put you first- even if that means not visiting. It’s absolutely shocking she wanted to visit while unwell. Please promise me you won’t take a bus with a vulnerable 5 week old post c section in November with so much going round, that will cause you pain and risk little baby. And you obviously want to be around for Dh tomorrow too. I wouldn’t call back, send a text explaining you won’t be seeing her, you will be in touch when convenient and don’t reply to any nasty response. I had a baby last year, I had a section, poorly baby etc and so many of my friends didn’t come for weeks and were nothing but understanding and caring. Your ‘friend’ is incredibly selfish

Elieza · 15/11/2023 18:25

She sounds mental. You don’t need friends like that who are into mind games and emotional blackmail.

Suggest you tell her you love her and miss her (or don’t if you don’t) and hope she can visit soon and reiterate once again you’ll happily pay for parking as it’s your street and she’s doing you a favour by coming.

And

You’d visit her at hers, however you’ve not been feeling the best so can’t do that until you feel better and that will be after the c section heals. Best part of two months.

And leave it at that. Ball in her court.

Swipe left for the next trending thread