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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

baby situation

66 replies

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:00

I am engaged and 33, ready in the next year to have a child, when we've moved to somewhere bigger.
Been having difficult conversations with my fiancé recently about it. He insists he wants a child with me but is worried we can't afford it.
The thing is we can't agree on it. I've been very clear that I want/should TTC in the next 2 years due to my age.
My absolute cut off is 36.
I'm just scared to get married and never have the child.
I do understand where he's coming from as he's on a 0 hours contract (supply TA, not qualified teacher) but gets long-term contracts. The pay isn't fantastic but he manages to save every month and we go on holidays etc.
I take home about 2k net.
I don't think there's a perfect time to have a baby. There are certainly better times but with child benefit, tax free childcare, family support etc. and 2 full-time incomes we'd be fine. I have a very good maternity package too.
I'm just scared to go ahead with the engagement/marriage if I end up getting to 35/36 and he doesn't yet feel in a place to have a child. Appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 15/11/2023 16:02

if i was him - i would be bloody concerned about finances

He is TA on zero hours? how many hours is he doing?

m and what’s your maternity package like?

Original poster
lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:02

As I say I do understand but I think in 2 years he should be able to find something more stable/better paid. It just feels very risky.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 15/11/2023 16:03

oh sorry very good maternity package…. what is it? i’m surprised given not a particularly high paid role

Original poster
lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:03

He does 32.5h per week usually. He always has work, but technically it's a 0 hours contract. I have 6 months full pay.

OP posts:
Original poster
lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:04

I manage very well on 2k net, I don't live a life of luxury but I don't go without at all.

OP posts:
riron · 15/11/2023 16:04

Youre not being unreasonable at all. The only thing that would make me wait would be if he had an actual proactive achieveable plan in place to better his earnings. If it is just a wishy-washy in two years things will have improved then I think its worth considering your options

coffeedrinking · 15/11/2023 16:07

I dunno, it’s not unreasonable to worry about finances in fact it’s sensible. But you would manage and people manage on less

Original poster
lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:07

He has some cognitive issues which mean that he struggles academically and particularly with things like writing, doing applications etc.
I help him with them usually. It's just a massive risk, 2 years should be enough time for him to find a stable role, it really doesn't need to be Megabucks in order to have 1 child.

OP posts:
Original poster
lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:08

Definitely agree it's sensible to worry. My friend told me she raised 2 children as a single mum on less. We have family support too.

OP posts:
Greycottage · 15/11/2023 16:10

For a start - he needs to get a permanent TA role before you conceive. I don’t see any reason why he’s on a zero hours tbh - permanent TA positions are advertised constantly. If he has a permanent contract before you conceive, then he will be entitled to paternity leave and shared parental leave. He can also take on after school club to top up his hours and take home pay. With permanent contracts they divide pay into 12 and you get paid throughout July/August too. Just generally better overall.

I agree that he’s being too wishy washy about the baby.

Afteropening · 15/11/2023 16:10

and you have saved a sizeable deposit for a property?

Original poster
lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:12

He thinks even a permanent TA role wouldn't pay enough (I agree they don't pay well and I used to be a TA) but I still think we would manage fine. We have some savings, still saving, but we live in a cheap area in the North.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 15/11/2023 16:12

it’s not just the current finances i’d be worried about

he has very very limited earning potential

and children get much more expensive with age

Original poster
lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:13

Yes I understand.. so I just really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 15/11/2023 16:14

family practical support?

Greycottage · 15/11/2023 16:14

Afteropening · 15/11/2023 16:10

and you have saved a sizeable deposit for a property?

What’s that got to do with anything? Maybe they rent. Maybe a deposit will be gifted. It hardly has any bearing on OPs current dilemma.

Afteropening · 15/11/2023 16:15

Greycottage · 15/11/2023 16:14

What’s that got to do with anything? Maybe they rent. Maybe a deposit will be gifted. It hardly has any bearing on OPs current dilemma.

Show quote history

whether the plan to move in to a bigger place was realistic.

you don’t think relevant?

DragonFly98 · 15/11/2023 16:16

£2k net in a cheap area of the North is enough on your wage alone. Most sensible thing is that he is a SAHD once you go back to work and he looks for some bar/supermarket evening work a couple of nights a week to supplement your income.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/11/2023 16:16

I wouldn't be having a child with someone that is severely limited in his income unless I was earning significantly more.
I think you need to reconsider tbh.

Greycottage · 15/11/2023 16:17

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:12

He thinks even a permanent TA role wouldn't pay enough (I agree they don't pay well and I used to be a TA) but I still think we would manage fine. We have some savings, still saving, but we live in a cheap area in the North.

Have you got good career progression?

One parent with a TA job can be such a gift, just think of the school holidays. Not having to worry about holiday camps etc.
Doesn’t have to be the man earning more money :)

Original poster
lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:19

I do have good career progression opportunities luckily, I'm still in my probation period but intend to apply for promotion once that's over. My senior manager is a mum and works 4 days a week term time only.

OP posts:
Original poster
lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:19

I work mainly from home too.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 15/11/2023 16:20

what is the enhanced maternity package and how long do you need to have been there?

are you saving for wedding? moving? and / or baby?

Original poster
lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:21

We are just having a small registry office wedding, not interested in anything bigger, but trying to save to move.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 15/11/2023 16:21

to buy or rent?

do you have family practical support locally?