Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

baby situation

66 replies

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:00

I am engaged and 33, ready in the next year to have a child, when we've moved to somewhere bigger.
Been having difficult conversations with my fiancé recently about it. He insists he wants a child with me but is worried we can't afford it.
The thing is we can't agree on it. I've been very clear that I want/should TTC in the next 2 years due to my age.
My absolute cut off is 36.
I'm just scared to get married and never have the child.
I do understand where he's coming from as he's on a 0 hours contract (supply TA, not qualified teacher) but gets long-term contracts. The pay isn't fantastic but he manages to save every month and we go on holidays etc.
I take home about 2k net.
I don't think there's a perfect time to have a baby. There are certainly better times but with child benefit, tax free childcare, family support etc. and 2 full-time incomes we'd be fine. I have a very good maternity package too.
I'm just scared to go ahead with the engagement/marriage if I end up getting to 35/36 and he doesn't yet feel in a place to have a child. Appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 15/11/2023 18:49

LG123 · 15/11/2023 18:46

@Afteropening she's already said. 6 months full pay.

and then what?

stat maternity pay and potentially a husband not earning anything

which would be ok if he and you are happy with him being a sahd

Afteropening · 15/11/2023 18:50

LG123 · 15/11/2023 18:46

And she's in her probation period so not long.

everywhere i have worked, i have needed to be there at least a year before entitles to full enhanced

SiennaMillar · 15/11/2023 18:53

I think you’ll be fine OP. The break from work and then childcare are the most expensive things, but you’ve got a fab package, and if you wait a tiny bit longer you’d qualify for free 30 hours from 9 months old. I’m about to start mat leave with no pay whatsoever 😱

Buy everything second hand, it needn’t cost a fortune. I got loads of free stuff from Facebook marketplace, all lovely, lots was brand new!

Best of luck to you both

MariaVT65 · 15/11/2023 18:54

I think neither of YABU.

i’m the same as you in that i had an absolute cut off of mid 30s to have kids.

However he’s also right to be concerned about finances. Sounds like you might have some extra help with childcare, but as an example, my nursery fees for 5 short days are £1150 month. That’s already with the tax free childcare.

TeslaTwat · 15/11/2023 18:55

Why is he a TA on zero hours? Could he train to be a teacher? Whatever it is about his role that he likes, he needs to use that and get a better paid, contracted position. Off the cuff, it sounds lazy and defeatist to have no promised work as one half of a household and hold the other back based on that.

Luxell934 · 15/11/2023 18:55

I think you’d be fine. You would get UC to cover most of the childcare, you might not be in a position to save much though so maybe marriage and moving needs to be done before you have kids.

TeslaTwat · 15/11/2023 18:59

I'd also be questioning if you can get UC for childcare. I think the cut off is very low. It's a different world now but when DD was small, we had basic jobs and were entitled to nothing. What we were told we were entitled to, we had to pay back. When I looked at not going back to work, they said entitled to nothing as DP should pay for us. He wasn't on much at the time. Neither of us were.

Ladyj84 · 15/11/2023 19:03

Well my hubby does 25 hrs a week and we had child 2 when I was 37 and twins at 38 and managed just fine and still do with now 3 toddlers. No savings but we make it work, nobody goes without,bills all up to date and no debts. Simple but happy life and I wouldn't change mine. Oh and we had a basic registry wedding me hubby and 2 others it was ace then a short honeymoon where no 2 was conceived lol and a party a month later to keep family happy. We loved it because it's what we wanted

MargotBamborough · 15/11/2023 19:25

TeslaTwat · 15/11/2023 18:55

Why is he a TA on zero hours? Could he train to be a teacher? Whatever it is about his role that he likes, he needs to use that and get a better paid, contracted position. Off the cuff, it sounds lazy and defeatist to have no promised work as one half of a household and hold the other back based on that.

This.

If he's worried about not making enough money then he needs to get off his arse and make more money, not run down the OP's biological clock.

Original poster
lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 19:29

I've done the calculations several times over and we'd be entitled to UC to cover most of the childcare based on current earnings.

OP posts:
Afteropening · 15/11/2023 20:05

Ladyj84 · 15/11/2023 19:03

Well my hubby does 25 hrs a week and we had child 2 when I was 37 and twins at 38 and managed just fine and still do with now 3 toddlers. No savings but we make it work, nobody goes without,bills all up to date and no debts. Simple but happy life and I wouldn't change mine. Oh and we had a basic registry wedding me hubby and 2 others it was ace then a short honeymoon where no 2 was conceived lol and a party a month later to keep family happy. We loved it because it's what we wanted

do you work? @Ladyj84

Night409 · 15/11/2023 21:02

How long have you been together?

TA pay is shit but being a TA with young children can be a God send!

I think now or very soon, is the ideal time to start TTC because he can be the main carer.

You won’t have to worry about childcare during the holidays and then as the children get older, he can find a job that’s better paid.

If you wait another 2 years, that potentially means one of your careers are affected.
Its better to get the kids out of the way and then he can focus on building his career up.

Original poster
lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 21:09

Together 4.5 years. Thank you, I'm just scared it'll get to the 2 years and then he still won't be ready. How can I trust he will be?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 15/11/2023 21:21

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 21:09

Together 4.5 years. Thank you, I'm just scared it'll get to the 2 years and then he still won't be ready. How can I trust he will be?

In all honesty, you can’t trust that. All you can do is make the best decision for yourself that you can.

If you love this man and YOU believe he will be ready in 2 years and you’re willing to take the risk and wait for him then do that. If you’re not sure he will be, and a baby is priority for you, then don’t wait around for him and move on, but just remember even if you do that, you’re not going to meet someone tomorrow who you move in with immediately and who will want a child immediately. You could leave and still be child less in 2 years as well as possibly single.

Nobody can see the future, you just have to look at all of your potential options and decide which one you can best live with x

LG123 · 15/11/2023 23:24

@Afteropening

A year is probably about right but she's not said she wants one right this minute.

Afteropening · 16/11/2023 05:34

LG123 · 15/11/2023 23:24

@Afteropening

A year is probably about right but she's not said she wants one right this minute.

well we don’t know as op doesn’t appear to know or want to tell us 🤷‍♀️

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread