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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

baby situation

66 replies

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:00

I am engaged and 33, ready in the next year to have a child, when we've moved to somewhere bigger.
Been having difficult conversations with my fiancé recently about it. He insists he wants a child with me but is worried we can't afford it.
The thing is we can't agree on it. I've been very clear that I want/should TTC in the next 2 years due to my age.
My absolute cut off is 36.
I'm just scared to get married and never have the child.
I do understand where he's coming from as he's on a 0 hours contract (supply TA, not qualified teacher) but gets long-term contracts. The pay isn't fantastic but he manages to save every month and we go on holidays etc.
I take home about 2k net.
I don't think there's a perfect time to have a baby. There are certainly better times but with child benefit, tax free childcare, family support etc. and 2 full-time incomes we'd be fine. I have a very good maternity package too.
I'm just scared to go ahead with the engagement/marriage if I end up getting to 35/36 and he doesn't yet feel in a place to have a child. Appreciate any advice.

OP posts:

Devilsmommy · 15/11/2023 16:23

Don't want to upset you but are you even 100% sure he wants a baby? I've known people living in more expensive places on less Money than you with children and they've managed. He doesn't really sound sure tbh. Sorry if that's the case

Original poster

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:25

I've asked him many times if he's sure and he says yes, no matter how many times I try to convince him we'd manage fine he's still worried. I know children get more expensive as they get older but I don't think you can base life on what may happen in many years from now.

OP posts:

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 15/11/2023 16:26

Would you need to pay for childcare? I’ve had this month’s invoice for DD2 doing 7 hours a week and it’s £200+. She’s 3 so a cheaper rate too but doesn’t qualify for free hours until January as her birthday is September. Just something to factor in although it’s a definite bonus you’ll have the holidays covered.

MargotBamborough · 15/11/2023 16:27

There's no ideal time to have a child, but the best time to have a child is when your ovaries still work. Sounds like your partner needs a biology lesson.

Greycottage · 15/11/2023 16:28

Finances-wise sounds good to me, OP. Our set-up is similar, and we live well. We don’t live in a cheap area up North either.

I would not waste my fertile years on uncertainty though. You should get his agreement about a cut-off for having the baby.

Original poster

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:29

We would need to pay for some childcare but we're also entitled to UC which will cover some of it. Not sure yet how much we'd need. I just feel like there's this mentality that only very wealthy people should have children.

OP posts:

Fupoffyagrasshole · 15/11/2023 16:34

have you priced up the cost of childcare yet?? thats the major shock i found when planning a baby - 2k a month where i am for full time!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 15/11/2023 16:34

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:29

Definitely no mentality here. I am expecting DC3 and DH and I are certainly not wealthy. Just trying to give a heads up on costings. DD1 costs us a fortune in clubs and uniforms and birthday parties… The list is endless!

It’s definitely doable on your income but being worried about finances is not unreasonable.

Original poster

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:35

Yes absolutely.. I just know so many people, even a lot of single parents who earn much less and seem to manage ok. I'd love to know how .

OP posts:

wokbun · 15/11/2023 16:37

Have you got the wedding booked in?

Original poster

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:40

Nothing booked as of yet, hopefully soon.

OP posts:

wokbun · 15/11/2023 16:41

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:40

Nothing booked as of yet, hopefully soon.

If he isn't actively getting involved with this and pushing to fix a date then I'd walk away and assume he only got engaged to keep you happy

Gerrataere · 15/11/2023 16:42

Being a TA on a 0 hour contract is a bit worrying when more and more TAs are being let go to be honest. What will happen if his school can’t find the budget for him? Unless he plans to be a SAHP for a bit then that’s probably the biggest factor for change in the next couple of years. It’s quite unstable employment.

LittleOwl153 · 15/11/2023 16:50

TA in primary or TA/LSA in secondary? The former I'd say was more risky... generally crying out for people in secondary.

I'd say he has cold feet and move on of the timetable is that important to you.

Original poster

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:52

LSA.. I just think even if he were salaried as a Ta he'd still feel like it wasn't enough.

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 15/11/2023 16:58

I think this is massively one of those things that can differ person to person. DH & I were always in agreement that we wanted to be financially stable before we had children, so we saved and got a mortgage, both got stable jobs with sick pay/good maternity/good paternity, saved to get married (which was important to me to be done before we had kids) and then saved again until we had some savings behind us again to start ttc, and now we’re expecting our first baby.

Could we technically have “managed” if we’d fell pregnant a few years ago? Yeah probably, but it likely would have meant we couldn’t buy a house because that money would have gone on baby and nursery fees, at the time DH’s job didn’t have great paternity or sick pay, I hadn’t been promoted at that point so my salary was lower and probably wouldn’t have applied for promotion if pregnant/new baby, we probably wouldn’t have got married because there would have been a lot going on with baby, and instead of being able to buy the pram, nursery furniture etc we wanted we would have been compromising due to budget.

We could have “managed” as in there would have been food on the table and a roof over our heads one way or another, but it wouldn’t have been as easy or as pleasant as it is now. For us it was never about “what age will we try” it was “what do we want our circumstances to be before we bring a baby into the world”. I’m not saying my thinking is right or wrong, but if he’s in the same mindset as we were I totally understand why he isn’t keen, because I wouldn’t have been.

Just being able to “manage” shouldn’t be the goal if you can help it and it may not be his goal

Original poster

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 17:03

Yes I do totally understand, however if I wait for all the perfect situations I could be almost 40. So I just don't know what to do.. I feel like with someone younger than me he wouldn't have these issues.

OP posts:

JC89 · 15/11/2023 17:20

I agree with PP saying he should try to find a permanent position before you conceive - it's not just about the pay it's also the entitlement to shared parental leave and pay. Then if you need to you can go back to work after 6 months and he can take 6 months of shared parental leave (for 3 months of that he could get statutory shared parental pay).

If you would be mainly living on your wage, is there a backup plan if for some reason you lose your job (e.g. family help while you find a new one?).

Mrsttcno1 · 15/11/2023 17:20

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 17:03

No I totally understand what you mean, and it’s unfortunately one of those things that men and women will probably always see differently because while for men it can genuinely be a case of “when I feel completely ready I can become a dad”, women are always going to have that age factor which plays a much more important role for us than being “ready”.

If having children is an absolute must for you, then I think it’s time for a serious chat, see what plans you (he) could make to become more stable asap financially, see what he see’s the future looking like and how far away that future is in his mind. But you should be prepared for the fact that maybe the finances are just an excuse and that he’s actually not ready for a child yet. If that is the case, then you need to think about what you are prepared to risk- you could decide that you love him and want to stay and see what happens, or you might decide that the risk of not having a child if you stay with him means you don’t want to continue the relationship at all.

It’s entirely up to you x

Gerrataere · 15/11/2023 17:25

@lemongrab33 , a bit of a nosy question but is there a neurodivergent reason as to why your fiancé has possibly difficulties in moving about in employment? Being a TA is not an issue, the holiday time and work hours are actually excellent for childcare. However if ND is a factor, there is a possibility any child might inherit a disability and that could impact work for one or both of you in the longterm. I know that’s a lot of ifs and buts, however it may also be something to consider.

tokesqueen · 15/11/2023 18:00

lemongrab33 · 15/11/2023 16:40

Nothing booked as of yet, hopefully soon.

That wouldn't be good enough for me.
Hang fire.

s4usagefingers · 15/11/2023 18:08

I’m in the north too and your situation isn’t dire. Plenty of people make it work in the same situation. I think he’s being overly cautious and there will never be a “right time”. You just make it work. Having a good maternity package will make all the difference. If he gets plenty work and you have family help then you’re in a better situation than many.

Afteropening · 15/11/2023 18:13

op i have asked a few times - do you know what enhanced maternity your employer offers?

and how long do you need to have been there to be eligible?

LG123 · 15/11/2023 18:46

@Afteropening she's already said. 6 months full pay.

LG123 · 15/11/2023 18:46

And she's in her probation period so not long.

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