WWYD: DP won't get on board with any of my ideas

[time2change1]

Starting a new thread.... Welcome to look at previous if helpful.

Summary:
We are family of 4; 2 DCs 10 & 4; Eldest DC high anxiety, OCD like behaviour and phobia (been assessed, not ASD) on waiting list for CAMHS; Youngest has recurring illness with lots of days off school - on NHS waiting list since April, now going private but not something we can easily afford

I have MH difficulties which weren't helped by pandemic + v. young child, not furloughed, and DP working out of the house throughout lockdowns, led to my 1st burnout; Then dealing with eldest DC being off school due to anxiety, + intense job & bullying in workplace, led to 2nd burnout; now better with meds but still waiting (2.5+ yrs since first referred) for NHS therapy

DP works FT, 40hpw and is out the house for about 12 hrs each day; he finds kids / home life stressful so does sports after work to manage

I'm self employed, but take on almost all the responsibility for kids which means I miss a lot of opportunities for work due to them being off school a lot

The problem:

• DPs full-time wage only covers roughly half of our outgoings, he loves his workplace and doesnt want to leave, but they are under paying him by at least £7k p.a.
• I'm self employed, so when I don't work because of kids, I don't earn, and 1 lost DAY of work for me is what DP earns in a WEEK (not all of what I earn is money in our pocket due to business costs)
• DP works in a trade so difficult to go part-time
• It would be detrimental for DPs mental health (and therefore for the children) for him to give up work and become a SAHD

I've suggested the following but DP not keen:

• Moving to where my parents live, as they have time and would love to help out with kids so both me and DP could work - I come from a culture where it is normal for grandparents to be very involved - BUT, they don't live in UK and DP can't stand them and doesn't want to move

• DP reduces hours so that he can cover morning drop offs and take parental leave if kids are off school so we aren't losing so much of my earning potential

• DP leaves his workplace and finds a better paid and/or more flexible workplace

• DP gets some professional help to better manage family life or at least identify his needs (similar to eldest DC) to get him support

Or anything else we've not considered?

Am I being difficult and unreasonable?

how does he work 40 hours a week and 12 hours a day? that doesn’t make sense

how far away are you parents?

Does he get on with your parents?

where are his family?

I note your ideas are all about him having to make changes.

You can’t force somebody to move overseas to be near people he doesn’t like, this is the most unreasonable suggestion.

It sounds like he should be doing a fairer share of the parenting duties, but I think you are being naive if you think everybody can just reduce hours at the drop of a hat. I would suggest it is his activities that might need to be pared back rather than his working hours.

I haven’t seen anything that suggests your DP needs professional help.

Does he get on with your parents

OP has stated that he can’t stand them, so I would take that as a no.

What ideas does your DP suggest?

And why is DP not taking time off with his sick kids?

One point on the Parental leave suggestion - this is something you have to take in week sections, so you can't take the odd day under this scheme. Unless his work has a separate policy outside of the government policy.

So DP is doing a job where he earns in a week roughly what you make in a day.

He refuses to do significant childcare or housework because he finds it stressful.

He's out if the house long hours because of his work plus the sports he does to se-stress.

So first question - Sit down and make a list of what he does do, if anything, to contribute to the family.

Then think to yourself - are there any other ways I can get more support?

If you've burnt out twice, then it is unlikely he is going to step up and either earn more money or do more childcare/housework.

So rule him out.

Who else might give you support? If grandparents will, then consider having them stay with you for a bit or moving closer.

He won't like it but we've already established that he doesn't love either you or the children enough to step up for his family.

You need to think about this just from a you perspective. How do I make MY life easier? Because that is what your DH is doing.

op on your other thread you say that you current to my manage -1-2 days work a week due to your mental health.

i think the focus should be you addressing your mental health rather than trying to change location

What’s your home country actually like when it comes to understanding of mental health problems and learning difficulties? I have several friends who’ve moved abroad or gone “home” to countries they’d perceived as being inclusive and been pretty shocked to realise that the support they expected is non-existent and that there’s actually a great deal of social stigma and exclusion in society (and in education for children.)

I don’t think that any of your ideas are going to work, they all seem to involve DP making the most sacrifices, which is ultimately going to lead to resentment in the end.

So he works 40 hour a week but is out of the house for 12 hours each day. So he is out of the house for 84 hours a week. That means that he is devoting 44 hours to commuting and sport. Let's say he spends 10 hours commuting over 5 days. That would mean he spends 34 hours per week playing sport while you do everything. You also have to scrimp because he is significantly underpaid but doesn't want to change his job or negotiate a salary increase. I don't think you have to be Sherlock Holmes to deduce why you have mental health issues. Your husband has completely checked out of family life and does exactly as he wants seemingly without a care in the world about his children or his wife.

So he works 40 hour a week but is out of the house for 12 hours each day. So he is out of the house for 84 hours a week. That means that he is devoting 44 hours to commuting and sport. Let's say he spends 10 hours commuting over 5 days. That would mean he spends 34 hours per week playing sport while you do everything.

I read that was working 8 hours a day, plus a 1h lunch (9h), if it was maybe 45 min commute each way (10h30) that's 1h30 to travle to, get to changed, play sport and then get home

Read the OP for Pete's sake!
OP says "DP works FT, 40hpw and is out the house for about 12 hrs each day; he finds kids / home life stressful so does sports after work to manage".

OP: if you are really able to earn 5x what your DP does, can you work a bit more to fund private therapy, with the aim of being able to work 4-5 days a week and employ a nanny?

your dh earns £29k a year

and you WFH manage to earn more in day than he earns in a week?

what do you do?!

Ask him why he thinks its fair that you have to deal with everything child related, especially when there are so many MH issues involved (all of you not just kids) and why its fair that he gets to have "him" time.

If he does at least see that its unfair, ask him to come up with some solutions. Because things cant go on with him bumbling along sticking his head in the sand because HE finds life stressful.

@Octavia64

Thank you so much. I really struggle to articulate how difficult things have been and you summed it up beautifully. This is exactly how it has felt, with the added stress / slap in the face of an unhelpful reaction when I can't cope anymore.

My family live on the other side of the world, so it's tricky. I want to join them, but knowing that DP doesn't want to move makes me look for solutions here because I won't take my kids away from their father. They come to their homeland in Europe every summer and me and the kids join them for a month and it's bliss - I get that there is no stress of school, work etc, so don't for a second imagine it will be the same if we moved.

His family are very nearby and help quite a bit, but understandably they have their own lives and do activities that prevent them from helping more. I respect that culturally it isn't typical to have the whole "village to raise a child" as is typical in my culture, so i don't want to ask more of them as it doesn't feel fair.

I think given all the things going on with the kids, a child minder won't make things easier. A nanny might, but having searched for a part time nanny for quite a while, it is really difficult to find one, and I don't know how it would work when the kids are off school - they would presumably not be free at the drop of a hat to stay home with them.

I'm kind of exhausted with it all, so would value any new ideas for how to get more help with the kids.

Yes how Atichen explained it.

Sorry, I waffle a lot and it all gets a bit jumbled...

Thank you @TheOccupier really helpful suggestion. I have been trying to increase my work days, but then something happens with the kids and I need to cancel, which reflects badly on me and my service, so I've been reluctant to commit to long term contracts which is where the money is...

I think a nanny would definitely help, but do I employ one full time so that I'm covered if kids are off sick - sounds quite expensive, or do I do part time and hope they are available when I need more hours ad hoc... Will need to think more on how to make this work.

If only @Afteropening, unfortunately I do have to go out to work, although part of my job can be done from home and I am trying to create options in my business that rely less on me to do the work, but I need time to get this up and running, which is something that I just don't have at the moment.

I can't argue with you @TwiddlingMyToes, I agree with what you've said. I do think DP has unidentified needs - there is a reason why I suspected DC to have ASD and got her assessed, which relates to similarities in how they both are and how some of DPs paternal family are.

I do make a lot of excuses for him and my MH presents itself as being very functional on the surface and giving myself a hard time for not doing more so naturally I tend to give and give until I break. DP recognises what I do for the kids and openly admits he couldn't do it himself.

In hindsight, I wouldn't have had kids with him had I known what I know now. But we can't go back in time and it feels unfair to blame him for something that he's trying to overcome and possibly can't change about himself?

He does try when I bring things to his attention, but often the things he notices and does at home without me asking are things that I don't see as important, so I can imagine he ends up feeling frustrated and like his efforts aren't recognised.

but you earn more in a week in your self
employment than your 29k a year husband earns in 5?

so you earn best part of £150k in self employment? impressive

Ok, so suggestions.

Short term:
Cancel everything you and the kids do that isn't absolutely necessary. Reduce stress - so can you cancel any extra curriculars, don't host people, no weekends away etc.
In business terms, focus on your core functions which is earning money through work and looking after your kids.

Childcare: it's a nightmare when they are frequently ill as there is no option but for one of the parents to take leave,
But you might be able to do something about drop offs and pick ups - this is the kind of thing a childminder might do, or a teenager.

Book a cleaner every fortnight and just stop cleaning. It's worth the money to take the stress off you.

Plan simple meals out of a packet if necessary. It won't kill people to eat beige food or jacket potato and beans etc for a while.

Your 10 year old's anxiety - buy a worry monster and get some of the books on anxiety aimed at pre-teens. If you are doing less generally spend that time with her.

What does he actually bring to the table here? Saying you won't take the kids away from their father? He doesn't sound like a father.

Sorry, I might not have explained it very well.

My day rate is roughly what DPs income is a week. Its not income in our pocket, because the business has expenses too, but we could have a completely different life, if I could work 3-4 days per week consistently without having to cancel so often.

but on your other thread you say your MH prevents you from working more than 1-2 days a week