Dad wants to take 5 Yr old palliative boy out the country help!

Sarahblack1876 · 2023-11-15T14:22:27+00:00

I split with my ex 6 months ago and our son is palliative and very poorly with his heart. His life expectancy is not great. Us as a family took our son to florida in Feb but it took ALOT of planning re I insurance..oxygen on plane.. feeds...meds which I done it all! When we went last time my ex wanted to take him on fast rides despite warning signs for heart patients not to go on them. My ex now wants to take our son to florida with his parents in Jan for 3 weeks and to be honest I'm not comfortable with it. There has been issues with my ex looking after him at times and mess ups when he's been in his care!! What if my son passes away in America and I'm not there!! I feel so bad I don't know what do to

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2023 14:24

I would tell the ex either you go along as well or your son is not going, and you won't give permission for him to go. Hide his passport.

Zimunya · 15/11/2023 14:24

@Sarahblack1876 - I'm so sorry to hear about your son. How heartbreaking for all of you.

Re Florida - a carefully worded text to your ex, explaining all the risks and planning effort, and gently pointing out that he has made errors in this before, and it would be terribly unfair on your son, might be in order.

heldinadream · 15/11/2023 14:28

Given the seriousness of your son's health conditions, I would have thought you could get a court injunction preventing your ex from taking him.
So sorry you are facing this OP.

Maxiedog123 · 15/11/2023 14:28

It seems unlikely that the airline would consider him for to fly

MrsPinkL · 15/11/2023 14:29

Say no!
Make sure the passport is in your possession.

The thought of your child sadly passing away in another country when you are not there is horrific and that alone is reason enough to say no. Then add in the fact you’ve had some issues with the care dad provides and it’s a double no. If dad can’t understand this then I don’t know what to say.

I guess he could try going to court if you say no but would a judge really allow him to take such an ill child away from you? Maybe some legal owl will be on this thread that could advise

TryAgainWithFeeling · 15/11/2023 14:29

Do you think an airline would fly him? Id consider getting a court order to prevent this, and talk to his medical team too.

maxelly · 15/11/2023 14:30

I'm so sorry to hear about your son and it's totally understandable that you would be anxious and instinctively against this. But I can see from your ex's point of view that as he has potentially limited time left with his son he wants to be able to do things like take him on lovely holidays, make memories etc. and I'm sure he wouldn't take very well to you saying you don't trust him to take proper care of him (not that you're UR to feel that way), particularly when you and your family took him on the exact holiday this year and it all went well.

How do you and he get on - and what about his parents, are they reasonable people - if you don't feel able to address this directly with Ex could you approach his mother or father and gently explain how very challenging it is to take DS to america with all the insurance and care worries plus how anxious you'd be having him so far away and perhaps they can persuade ex that a UK holiday or somewhere in Europe perhaps would be equally lovely and safer all round? And/or offer for you to come along too if that wouldn't be too awkward?

TeaKitten · 15/11/2023 14:30

If he’s that unwell now I think he’d struggle to get an airline to agree to fly him anyway.

Ineedanewmoniker · 15/11/2023 14:30

I agree with pp. He is unlikely to get a fit to fly certificate.
I doubt he will be able to get travel insurance.

HungryandIknowit · 15/11/2023 14:30

He should not go unless you go. It's for your son's benefit and that is most important. Im so sorry that he is unwell.

LeavesOnTrees · 15/11/2023 14:31

Would he even get all the planning done to be able to go ?
You might not even have to say no.

AgnesX · 15/11/2023 14:31

Maxiedog123 · 15/11/2023 14:28

It seems unlikely that the airline would consider him for to fly

Inclined to think that if he's that ill any insurance, which is a must for the US, will be extortionate.

TeaKitten · 15/11/2023 14:32

maxelly · 15/11/2023 14:30

I'm so sorry to hear about your son and it's totally understandable that you would be anxious and instinctively against this. But I can see from your ex's point of view that as he has potentially limited time left with his son he wants to be able to do things like take him on lovely holidays, make memories etc. and I'm sure he wouldn't take very well to you saying you don't trust him to take proper care of him (not that you're UR to feel that way), particularly when you and your family took him on the exact holiday this year and it all went well.

How do you and he get on - and what about his parents, are they reasonable people - if you don't feel able to address this directly with Ex could you approach his mother or father and gently explain how very challenging it is to take DS to america with all the insurance and care worries plus how anxious you'd be having him so far away and perhaps they can persuade ex that a UK holiday or somewhere in Europe perhaps would be equally lovely and safer all round? And/or offer for you to come along too if that wouldn't be too awkward?

The ex was there on the last holiday with them, trying to put the boy in danger. So she has good reasons not to trust him, and she didn’t take him on a holiday just with her family.

pickledandpuzzled · 15/11/2023 14:32

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, OP. Has his health deteriorated since February?

You could send him a list of all the things you had in place for the Feb trip and tell him he can’t go unless he can prove he’s sorted it. That may help.

HeckyPeck · 15/11/2023 14:35

I'm so sorry OP.

YANBU at all to say no. If you think your son would benefit from the trip and is well enough to go, you could say you'd only agree to it if you (& possibly your family if you'd like them there for support) are going too.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 15/11/2023 14:36

3 weeks anywhere away from you is unreasonable imo.

3WildOnes · 15/11/2023 14:36

I would insist on going with them and if they don't agree say they can't go at all. I wouldn't say it's because you dodn't trust him as I think that is likely to cause defensiveness on his side and friction. I would just say you aren't comfortable with your sick son being so far away from you.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 15/11/2023 14:37

You need a heart to heart about what quality and meaningful time with your son looks like to each of you.

It sounds like he thinks he is making memories and kidding himself that he might as well go all out on everything as it wont change things whereas you are taking a view of maximising quality of life as long as possible and not over stretching him.

You both need to agree to find a balance point so that you can both get the time you want with him whilst putting him first with what he can cope with

I think some careful handling of your ex to explain that the son he has isnt in the right state of health to let him be the dad he wanted to be and supporting him through those feelings with compassion will go a long way to diffusing the situation X

maxelly · 15/11/2023 14:44

TeaKitten · 15/11/2023 14:32

The ex was there on the last holiday with them, trying to put the boy in danger. So she has good reasons not to trust him, and she didn’t take him on a holiday just with her family.

Show quote history

You may be right, I read 'us as a family' to mean the OP's family rather than her and her ex, but it could well mean the latter too. And yes, I agree, it is perfectly understandable/reasonable for the OP to feel DS would be at risk with her ex and not want him to go, as I said. BUT I don't think that means it's wise in the first instance to go in all guns blazing, 'banning' him from doing this, court orders etc, I very much doubt the ex will respond to that with 'oh yes you're totally right I am a feckless and irresponsible father who can't be trusted with my son', it will just cause rows and upset and angst which (a) can't help either OP or the little boy and (b) probably isn't necessary as other posters have pointed out, likely the airline won't fly him at all if he's seriously unwell and even if they will the ex may well not follow through on the plans once he understands the difficulties. My experience of feckless and useless fathers is they are very fond of making grand show-off-y (and often upsetting!) plans such as taking a seriously ill child halfway across the world but less often actually follow through if said plans cause them a lot of hassle and expense, unless backed into a corner of course...

Ellie1015 · 15/11/2023 14:45

It would be unfair to take him away from either parent for 3 weeks nevermind the practicalities which also seem to make it too risky. Yanbu. Grandparents should be coming to see him.

HowNice23 · 15/11/2023 14:48

That would be a hard no. Honestly who thinks putting a child with a heart condition on a rollercoaster is in anyway a good idea? Ludicrous! If he pushes back I don't think a court in the land would have a problem issuing an order to stop the lunacy. He's poorly. People should come to him not have him traipsing half way across the blooming planet...

Spottywombat · 15/11/2023 14:51

Insurance and cost of care in the USA...I wouldn't entertain this idea but I'd also look at costs of care and whether you could even get insurance.

PlumpAndGrump · 15/11/2023 14:51

So sorry to hear your son is so unwell. How hard this must be for you all.

Hide the passport.

tara66 · 15/11/2023 14:56

Does your ex know cost of medical care/hospitals in USA - it is horrendous? Also very expensive to fly someone back to uk if they are very sick.

TwiddlingMyToes · 15/11/2023 14:59

Would your son actually want to go? Did he enjoy it last time and how did he cope with the travel aspect and being away from home? That would probably be my main concern. It's an awful lot of work if your son wouldn't necessarily enjoy it anyway.

That said, if he does want to go, I can see why your ex might to do this with his family. But perhaps a compromise could be that you go too, not necessarily hang out with them the whole time, but just be around so you can keep an eye on him 'share the care'.