Dad wants to take 5 Yr old palliative boy out the country help!

[Sarahblack1876]

I split with my ex 6 months ago and our son is palliative and very poorly with his heart. His life expectancy is not great.
Us as a family took our son to florida in Feb but it took ALOT of planning re I insurance..oxygen on plane.. feeds...meds which I done it all!
When we went last time my ex wanted to take him on fast rides despite warning signs for heart patients not to go on them.
My ex now wants to take our son to florida with his parents in Jan for 3 weeks and to be honest I'm not comfortable with it. There has been issues with my ex looking after him at times and mess ups when he's been in his care!! What if my son passes away in America and I'm not there!! I feel so bad I don't know what do to

i truly don’t think AIBU is the place to be seeking advice on such a critical situation

I think I’d start by trying to see how serious he is before going in all guns blazing.

Could you text him saying that you need a bit of time to think because ds is so poorly, and asking him to hold off booking anything until you’ve discussed. And asking him to send you detailed plans for insurance, flights with oxygen, itinerary, plans for emergencies etc.

I think that there’s probably a 50/50 chance that he won’t respond ….

This!

Also, I imagine taking a heart patient on a ride that states 'unsuitable for people with heart conditions' would invalidate any insurance anyway. He could find himself with a hospital bill and/or air ambulance home that could run into millions of ££

I can see why you are worried op. I don’t think I could let my very poorly child be away from me for that long, in another country, with someone with a poor track record in caring for him.

In your shoes I’d say you go too or you will not give permission for him to go.

I agree the insurance would be a massive issue wouldn’t it. Has he even thought about that or what would happen if he became very poorly over there. Has you soon been away from you for that long before?

op on your other thread you started yesterday - about your current boyfriend being tight with money

you said * We have been away 7x in 6 months abroad in which I paid for all of it!*

Has your son been with you on these 7 times abroad in the last 6 months?

This, absolutely

What a sorry situation.

He's your ex's son as much as yours, so in that respect he should be allowed to enjoy your son's remaining time as you have. Equally, I would have all the same concerns as you.

I'd bite the bullet and ensure ex has the necessary information, provisions, administrative hurdles overcome, equipments, arrangements etc. You'd be doing it for your own peace of mind, and for your son - not your ex. It's not fair, but life isn't (as you so horribly know already).

Bless your little boy, OP.

does he have HLHS? I’m so sorry
id say no to ex. 3 weeks is a long time

Heads up

The OP has been abroad 7x in the last 6 months with her very new boyfriend

So to say the devil is in the detail… would be an understatement

I don't think this is clear cut. How poorly is he, what is his life expectancy? I think there is an argument (which your ex might make in court, if it gets that far) that if he is likely to live for another (say) 5 years, it's worth the risk to give him a fabulous experience (a quality of life argument, effectively). I have worked with children under hospice care and it's common for very unwell children to be taken to Disneyland. There are specialist insurers for this sort of things. Is there no chance you could put your differences aside and both go? How good are his parents, can they act as back-up? Could you also go but stay elsewhere, in case your son deteriorates?
You are a newly separated couple in a very sad and complicated situation, this isn't a typical break up. I am afraid you are going to have to find a way to resolve these complex questions now and for the future.

I think some careful handling of your ex to explain that the son he has isnt in the right state of health to let him be the dad he wanted to be and supporting him through those feelings with compassion will go a long way to diffusing the situation

OP's son is extremely ill. She has quite enough on her plate without massaging the ego of a stupid man and "supporting his feelings". Her son's father is an adult and needs to act like a responsible and caring one. It isn't all about him and his feelings.

I would tell him it's a hard no and keep hold of the passport. If he pushed for it, I'd get a court order to prevent it.

There is no way on Earth I would let my very sick child go half way around the world without me there. And even I were willing and able to go, I'd think there are many lovely things we could do together closer to home.

I can see where you are coming from, but there is no way I'd risk my child passing away while in a different country.

I think the focus has to be their son. I can't imagine any child would want to be away from one of their parents when they pass away.

Such a shame you have lost his passport

also, I can't see that she has started any other threads

Would you want him to go if you were there too?

If so, then I’d compromise and say only if you go too (you don’t need to stay with them you can go and do your own thing).

This is an experience that many parents of sick children do but he is only 5 and there are lots of other places he’d find just as fun.

If you really don’t want him going then DH needs to listen to you and not take him.

Perhaps suggest a different type of holiday instead.

Can't you just tell him no !

Where have you taken him in the past six months?

Sorry to hear about your son. Try and look at it factually: how has condition changed since February? What medical clearance is needed for the airline? Can he get adequate insurance?

Those are all reasonable asks you make of your ex, and you may find the answer is take out of either of your hands.

This is really difficult.

You are allowed to say no.

Just discovered advanced search. Apologies!

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your son.

You are definitely not being unreasonable in not wanting your ex to take your son abroad for 3 weeks. Dad isn't unreasonable in wanting to spend precious time with his son but he is unreasonable for wanting to spend that time abroad, with a very poorly child, away from his mum. He doesn't sound like the most reliable or sensible person from what you've said.

Make sure that you have your sons passport somewhere safe and (I'm not sure if you can do this, but..) call the passport office and ask them not to reissue the passport should it be reported lost or stolen.

I think we'd be best to wait and see what OP says, if she comes back,

I'm so sorry to hear about your little boy, OP. How awful for all of you.

Two trips to Florida in under a year is a lot, even for a healthy child. Why Florida? Is your ex from there, does he have family there? Is there any particular reason for him to want to take your son to Florida other than for the nice weather and theme parks?

Either way I think I would say no. The risk of something happening to your son while he is over there and you not being able to be by his side is too great. And I wouldn't want to use up any annual leave facilitating a trip to Florida for my ex if I might need it to spend more time with my son later on. Obviously this isn't a consideration if you don't work, in which case you could go with them but you would need to have all your costs covered and ensure that there was bulletproof travel insurance so that if your son was hospitalised or even died over there his medical and repatriation costs would be covered. I don't even know whether you would be able to get good enough insurance in the current circumstances, which would be another valid reason to just say no.

If your ex has family in Florida then perhaps they need to think about coming to the UK to spend time with your son instead.

Second this

You’re not BU at all OP, although I’d try and approach things so as to keep ex and family on side

@Sarahblack1876 you poor thing. Your dc does not need to go to Florida. He needs his daddy to spend time doing normal things together, reading, playing or watching a film.
Your ex is not putting his dc first.
I think you need a medically trained person to explain to your ex how tiring a heart condition is.

I agree too that you need to be near enough to get to your dc in an emergency.

I’m so sorry to hear that your son is so unwell, the thought of anyone wanting to endanger his already fragile life is beyond comprehension.
Would any airline would deem him fit to fly? I doubt it and I imagine health insurance would be through the roof and should the worst happen bringing him home isn’t without difficulties.