First time posting, so please be gentle (but honest!) My husband has always been overly cautious with money. He had quite a modest upbringing (definitely no growing up with a silver spoon in his mouth or handouts from the bank of mum and dad) and everything he has, he has earned, which I respect greatly. I work almost full time and have a good salary but he still earns about 3 times more than me. We both work hard and paid off our mortgage several years ago (we've been together 18 years and bought our first house 16 years ago).
We should be able to enjoy life more, but he is obsessed by saving! He wants to retire early, as do I, but there needs to be a balance. Other than a joint account for household bills/food etc, which we both pay into proportionate to income, we have always kept separate finances (his decision). For the last 12 years, I have paid for most of our two children's clothes, uniforms, and most of their activities (until I asked him to pay for some of their clubs a few years back as I was on a lower salary back then and constantly ending the month with nothing in my account, while he had loads of disposable income available). Last month, I showed him my personal account statement to evidence how many things I buy for the children and how little I spend on myself. He was a bit sheepish and offered to pay for the cleaner (another expense I have solely paid for the last 10 years) and the cat's food! He has now finally agreed that things for the children can come out of the joint account and we both top it up 50:50 at the end of the month. I questioned as to why it took this long for him to realise that the previous system was unfair, and he didn't really have an answer.
After I had my second child (now 10), I would've loved to have had a career break to be at home with her for a year or two, knowing we had the means to do it, but there was no commitment to sharing finances from my husband...he said it would be easier to have one parent stay at home, but when I asked him how this would work in practicality, say if I needed my hair cut or new clothes, and he laughed and said "oh, I'll give you a handout". I would've been reduced to asking him for money so I ended up leaving the career I had at the time as it wasn't compatible with family life and trying to set up a business whilst juggling two young children.
I am not by any stretch of the imagination a frivolous spender...I go to the hairdresser's two/three times a year and only buy new clothes (high street) when something literally wears out! The thought of having to ask him for the basics was too humiliating...this still grates on me all these years later.
I would love for us to move house which we can easily afford, but my husband is not interested. I am always careful what I order in restaurants as I still remember an incident years ago, when he criticised me for choosing the most expensive dish on the menu (I chose it because it was what I wanted to eat!) He wants to squirrel as much money away as possible, even though I have pointed out that life is short (my Mum died at 68) and sometimes, you have to live a bit in the here and now. I feel like he has the ultimate control on the purse strings because he is the one who contributes the most money (he pretty much said this at one point) and if he doesn't think something for the family is worthy of spending on, it doesn't happen. He is squirreling away crazy amounts into his pension, which he says will support us both to retire early before my pension kicks in. I worry about what will happen 20 years down the line as to how much he will dictate what we spend it on.
I get that I am in a very fortunate situation with everything going on in the world and I apologise if my post offends anyone. However, I am starting to wonder whether my husband is using finances as a means of control. He is a wonderful person in most other ways and an amazing Dad, but this is coming between us.
Is he right to want more control over the finances as he continues the most, or am I the one being unreasonable?