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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel awkward staying as a guest in others' houses

64 replies

fartfacenotfatface · 15/11/2023 12:23

I need to get over this. I work in a job where we sometimes have fairly late finishes / early starts away from our usual place of work, that are just within the limits for the company needing to provide accommodation so I'm expected to go home overnight (just under 2 hours to/from home). Colleagues living nearer to the occasional workplace kindly often offer me a bed for the night so save me travelling to and fro but I just feel so awkward staying with others in their homes so I say no.
We're all good work friends but obviously I don't know their husbands / wives very well. Most live in small homes with one bathroom (as do I so I'm not being snooty!) and it stresses me out.

What if I'm cleaning my teeth / taking a shower when they want to use the bathroom? What time do I get up in the morning? Is it too formal to arrange a schedule the night before when retiring to bed so as not to be in anyone's way the next day? I know I'm overthinking this but I can't be the only one who feels like this when being hosted. Do I take wine (what if they then feel obliged to drink it when they might not want to)? HELP! It would make my life so much easier if I could stay and I love these people very much so it's not that I don't want to be there as such.

OP posts:
happystory · 15/11/2023 12:32

Not very helpful, but if it was any way doable I'd go home to my own bed. It's v nice of them to offer but these are colleagues not friends. However, I sometimes stay with my brother who has one bathroom. I make sure I get to before them and do shower and teeth quickly then get ready in my room.

BugsyDrakeTableScape · 15/11/2023 12:33

Just ask! "Is there any particular time that's good to use the bathroom in the morning?" And then they'll say - oh John needs to be at work for 8 so he usually has a shower at 6.45 or whatever so then you know.

And yes, take a gift of someone is putting you up for the night 👍

I know how you feel - it can feel awkward being I someone else's space, but it's also fine to ask questions to make sure you minimise their inconvenience

Catandsquirrel · 15/11/2023 12:37

How often is this happening? Would it be worth pushing for accommodation as a nearly 2 hr late drive and early return does not sound reasonable even if it is just the other side of a cutoff. The company are putting you in an awkward position and I think should be accommodating you.

Regardless, I get you. I like my own space unless it's a social visit. I'm sure your colleagues don't mind though if you're friends. I wouldn't worry too much about the bathroom as long as you're quick- maybe you could ask 'do you want me to shower at a particular time so I don't hold anyone up in the morning? Happy to'. Then they can let you know what works best.

You could maybe take a bottle of wine or chocolates and give them in the morning if you think they'll feel obliged to open them at night. Or if there's a shop nearby a little bunch of flowers the next day maybe. Nothing expensive but it's a nice gesture.

Gardeningtime · 15/11/2023 12:39

I’m afraid I would not do this, I’d either commute or ask my company for accommodation. But I’d not accept these offers, I don’t think it’s ok.

Floofydawg · 15/11/2023 12:47

Gardeningtime · 15/11/2023 12:39

I’m afraid I would not do this, I’d either commute or ask my company for accommodation. But I’d not accept these offers, I don’t think it’s ok.

Agree with this, no way would I want to stay in a relative stranger's house even if they were a work colleague. Work should be putting you up in a hotel.

TheChosenTwo · 15/11/2023 12:50

Oh god I wouldn’t do this! Either work would pay for my accommodation or I would continue just commuting in.
I don’t mind staying with good friends/family for a night but even then I usually book a hotel nearby.
It’s really kind of your colleague to offer though and I have a spare room so would offer the same (and sort of hope they didn’t take me up on it except for one colleague who has become a good friend I see outside of work and she’s come to stay before!).

TudorBeckham · 15/11/2023 12:55

It's nice of your colleagues to offer but it's really not usual to stay overnight with a colleague so I wouldn't be shy about saying no. Sounds like the real issue is the fact you're doing these hours- when I had a similarly demanding job we had bedrooms in the office we could book and the option of getting a cab home (not ideal but better than staying with a random colleague).

Tonight1 · 15/11/2023 12:59

Speak to work first and explain it's further away for you. Is there any possibility of WFH on those dates? Or getting in later/leaving earlier?

betterangels · 15/11/2023 13:02

Floofydawg · 15/11/2023 12:47

Agree with this, no way would I want to stay in a relative stranger's house even if they were a work colleague. Work should be putting you up in a hotel.

Show quote history

They should. I wouldn't want to do this either.

ZiriForGood · 15/11/2023 13:19

I did offer to work friends and mean it.
One night hosting isn't a big inconvenience, and bathroom schedule is the only thing which is important, everything else can be improvised.

mindutopia · 15/11/2023 13:39

I personally wouldn't want to stay overnight with a work colleague. I think it is awkward. It's the same as staying over in a hotel with one. It's rare now as we don't travel for work anymore. But back when we did, I can remember distant colleagues from other offices travelling to meet with us and they had to stay in the same room - one junior staff person and their line manager sharing a hotel room (same gender, of course). It's just ick though. I wouldn't want to here my line manager have a shit first thing in the morning 3 feet away on the other side of a door and then have to go in to brush my teeth. 😬I'm very much a drive home at all costs person, but then again, I hate people staying over with me too.

Original poster
fartfacenotfatface · 15/11/2023 13:40

Thanks for responses so far. Just to clarify, work policy is they'll provide a hotel if work venue is more than 2 hours from home. We are finishing about 9pm, starting at 9am and for me it's about a 90 minute drive home (longer back for the morning commute).
These colleagues have become good work friends (not just a random person from the office!) but because we don't live close, we don't socialise much outside of work nor see each other in person more than once every few weeks for a couple of consecutive days - only when working in location A together (we WFH the rest of the time). We often share rooms in hotels if we are working in location B (other side of the country) and get on very well.
My block is literally the feeling awkward in their own home - invading their personal space etc.

OP posts:
Tonight1 · 15/11/2023 13:42

9pm is too late, you need to speak to work

LubaLuca · 15/11/2023 13:46

Your work measuring the need for a hotel in travel time is stupid - what if you get stuck in traffic for half an hour and the journey takes more than two hours?

That's by the by. You have a good case to get them to bend their rules here. Go to them with a reasonable solution.

Redebs · 15/11/2023 13:48

If you're expected to work at a different site, then your employer should pay you travel time and expenses. For example if it's a 2 hour drive away from hour usual workplace, then you should be paid for that time as well as mileage. Also, the time must be taken into account in terms of maximum working hours.

Don't forget that you will need to have business insurance on your car, not just commute, or you won't be covered.

I wouldn't stay in someone else's home as part of work commitments. It's not appropriate. All sorts of issues could arise, as well as it being awkward and unsettling.

Work need to provide accommodation or shorten the day to allow you travel time within your working day.

Coastalcreeksider · 15/11/2023 13:50

mindutopia · 15/11/2023 13:39

I personally wouldn't want to stay overnight with a work colleague. I think it is awkward. It's the same as staying over in a hotel with one. It's rare now as we don't travel for work anymore. But back when we did, I can remember distant colleagues from other offices travelling to meet with us and they had to stay in the same room - one junior staff person and their line manager sharing a hotel room (same gender, of course). It's just ick though. I wouldn't want to here my line manager have a shit first thing in the morning 3 feet away on the other side of a door and then have to go in to brush my teeth. 😬I'm very much a drive home at all costs person, but then again, I hate people staying over with me too.

Yes, this would be me too.

Redebs · 15/11/2023 13:53

Maximum working hours a day is 13. Your travel to the other site is included in this.

MidnightOnceMore · 15/11/2023 13:54

I'd rather go home than stay in someone else's home.

You say you 'need to get over this' - do you? It is a legitimate choice to prefer your own space. Many people do.

However if you prefer to stay over rather than drive, just ask abaout any house rules or timings etc. before the final agreement to stay is made.

Flyingalone · 15/11/2023 13:57

That's is SO weird! What if it's a male colleague who is not married?

Imagine sleeping in a male colleague's home Confused and then the whole office knows about it.

What kind of work do you do? So bizarre they won't offer you a hotel.

Snoken · 15/11/2023 14:26

I would definitely drive home. You'll be home by 10.30pm and then leave at around 7am I guess.

Manthide · 15/11/2023 14:31

Dd2 has a similar commute - 90 minutes each way depending on traffic - and she has to do it everyday. She's a surgeon and when she is on long days or nights she does use staff accommodation. She doesn't like it, but as a doctor you get moved around and this time she's pulled the short straw. She's also pregnant so has decided she can't always drive home at 9pm and then have to be in work early the next day without compromising her or the baby's safety. I'm not sure she'd stay at a colleague if asked (obviously just started at this hospital so doesn't know anyone).

ohdamnitjanet · 15/11/2023 14:32

BugsyDrakeTableScape · 15/11/2023 12:33

Just ask! "Is there any particular time that's good to use the bathroom in the morning?" And then they'll say - oh John needs to be at work for 8 so he usually has a shower at 6.45 or whatever so then you know.

And yes, take a gift of someone is putting you up for the night 👍

I know how you feel - it can feel awkward being I someone else's space, but it's also fine to ask questions to make sure you minimise their inconvenience

Exactly this, if I’d offer to host you, I’d appreciate the thought behind the morning routine. I understand your hesitation not knowing the partners, but the only way to know them is to stay. Also ask them if they like wine or something different, and if so what type, it might be a nice evening 😊

gannett · 15/11/2023 14:37

I also prefer to sleep in my own bed whenever possible but I feel the OP is blowing at worst minor awkwardness out of proportion. Have you never crashed at a friend's house? Stayed over with them?

If they've offered to put you up then you're not intruding on them. If you're brushing your teeth and they need to use the loo, they'll wait for 5 minutes just like anyone who's lived with other people has had to do. Ditto shower except 10 minutes. They will not think any less of you. Wake up when you need to wake up. Take them a bottle of wine.

The thing with social awkwardness is that you just get through it and once you've done it you realise it didn't matter that much at all.

And if you really don't want to stay with them then don't, that is also fine!

MeridaBrave · 15/11/2023 14:47

If it’s a temporary workplace I think the 2 hours is your company policy and not HMRC rules. I’d push back on HR and say the journey is too onerous, eg it’s double the distance from normal commute and can they pay for a hotel at least every second night.

Sofaz34 · 15/11/2023 14:52

I have guests all thr time, either friends , family or even air bnb guests that we don't even know. We never have an issue with bathroom timings, it's pretty obvious when someone is using it so we just wait. Just don't take an unreasonably long amount of time. They wouldn't have offered if they didn't want to. It's a good idea to give a gift, or if it's regular then maybe offer to buy dinner once a month, that way you can get to know their partners aswell. Wine is fine if they drink it, they don't have to drink it with you but as they will have extra tidying by hosting you it makes sense to give something, or offer money.