To feel awkward staying as a guest in others' houses

[fartfacenotfatface]

I need to get over this. I work in a job where we sometimes have fairly late finishes / early starts away from our usual place of work, that are just within the limits for the company needing to provide accommodation so I'm expected to go home overnight (just under 2 hours to/from home). Colleagues living nearer to the occasional workplace kindly often offer me a bed for the night so save me travelling to and fro but I just feel so awkward staying with others in their homes so I say no.
We're all good work friends but obviously I don't know their husbands / wives very well. Most live in small homes with one bathroom (as do I so I'm not being snooty!) and it stresses me out.

What if I'm cleaning my teeth / taking a shower when they want to use the bathroom? What time do I get up in the morning? Is it too formal to arrange a schedule the night before when retiring to bed so as not to be in anyone's way the next day? I know I'm overthinking this but I can't be the only one who feels like this when being hosted. Do I take wine (what if they then feel obliged to drink it when they might not want to)? HELP! It would make my life so much easier if I could stay and I love these people very much so it's not that I don't want to be there as such.

I wouldn’t like to stay with someone like this, it’s nonsense.
I also wouldn’t offer you to stay unless it’s an emergency.

I would do this in an emergency situation (and offer likewise) but no way would I be doing this regularly.

Your issue isn't etiquette, its your company. Speak to them.

Well, I think the advice upthread eg "what's the best time for me to shower in the morning and can I do anything around breakfast" is the way forward if you do stay.

However, I tend to agree with others that if you usually WFH and then when you'r eon location you're doing 12 hour days but still expected to commute a total of 3.5-4 hours, a hotel seems reasonable. But then, if they regularly make you share rooms with a colleague, they're clearly not exactly generous. I have never shared a room with a colleague and even when I was very young, would have been very very resistant to being asked to do this. I have a vague memory that sharing came up as an option for an offsite once, many years ago, but most of us said Hell No and the idea was shelved. I have become good friends with many colleagues over the years, but it's still work and I need some time off.

I also think you should stop op. If you feel awkward they will absolutely feel the same and they clearly will feel they need to help you. There is no reason you can’t go home. You’d be back by 10.30 and leave again about 7 the next morning, it’s an hour and a half, perfectly feasible to do.

You’re over thinking it! Take the wine and say ‘here’s a little thank you for having me’ so they know that it’s a gift and they only need open it if they want to. Offer to cook dinner. Asking when would be most convenient for you to shower is also totally normal.

I'd probably just pay for cheap accommodation personally. I'd be more relaxed. I'd first confirm that work definitely won't pay for it. That rule may or may not be reasonable, depending on how far the alternative work place is from your normal office.

I don't think an occasional commute of around 2 hours is unreasonably onerous. I'd go home.

I'd just ask. "What time do you guys like to shower in the morning? I don't want to mess up your schedules. When's best for me to use.."
Or
Is it okay if I go and have a quick shower before bed, to save having one in the morning.
Or does anyone need to use the toilet/shower before I go in there.

If you are friends with them then it’s a nice way to socialise outside of work no?
My husband occasionally has stayed at a colleagues instead of a hotel when working - we know the couple from previous social events.
My personality would always be to offer a spare bed if we have one and a friend was in need but understand that not everyone would be comfortable with it.
generally timings work out if you’re just upfront about it and say ‘is it ok if I use the shower/brush my teeth around this time.’ And don’t take the mick with how long you pamper yourself for in there.
quite a different attitude to it than posters above, but then it would be different if they are only new acquaintances at work and not like staying over with a mate!

In your case - just go for it. You get on well, you agreed to share a room at other work trip (which many in this thread wouldn't consider possible - which means that they don't have experience with this kind of dynamic).

Bring something to "not come empty handed", ask for the preferred bathroom schedule in the morning, and don't worry too much. One night isn't that imposing.

Neither would I. It would be my worst nightmare unless they had a guest room with an ensuite.

Me neither, at 90 mins home I’d go home. The friends are being nice but the very fact she feels awkward says that’s just it, they are being nice I’d certainly go home if it was a 90 min commute.

9pm is too late and they are being very cheeky not offering any accommodation due to the 2hr distance rule.
I wouldn't stay with work colleagues neither even if they are good friends and you share a hotel room from time to time. They are being very kind to offer but I wouldn't like my husband to bring random people home for sleepover even if they are good friends at work. It's akward for everyone.

How nice of them to offer?! But I can relate. I would have to decline.

i would feel awkward and I need my own space. I think I would feel trapped in someone else’s home even for one night.

but then I don’t even stay in hotels because I like to wander around so get an airbnb with a balcony or outside space.

I'm sorry but no, I wouldn't mix work with personal life but that's just me. I haven't had a great experience with colleagues, there's a lack of trust. I'd insist your company sort out your accommodation, this is not practical and you can't keep commuting so late at night.

Sorry I wasn't of much help, but I know how these dynamics can change especially when you start staying at other's homes frequently. There has to be a long term solution to this right? You can't just camp at someone's house every week, they won't appreciate it later on. I say this from personal experience.

OP, I do not want t o stay in friend's houses for the same reason, especially the bathroom. My DS has a dog, and I have an aversion to dogs, so decline invitations to stay overnight, and I live nearly 80 miles away. Wish I could afford a hotel or B & B for the night.

Oh no, I couldn't do this. What if they only have one bathroom? No way. Your company should be paying. I'd rather drive home than face sharing a bathroom. Get into audio books and make your drives more pleasant.

Ok thanks all. Some helpful advice here. It's not every week - probably once a month on average. And it's not the colleague / work situation that's the issue really, more just that I feel awkward in other people's homes generally.
There has been some great advice here about etiquette around when to use the bathroom etc which would be very helpful. Thank you!

I'd either drive home or stay in a hotel

Just so awkward

it isn’t too late at all if the job requires it! Lots of people work late evening, or overnight etc. Unless the contract states she only works set hours, ie 9-5, in that case yes she would say it is too late.

@Notamum12345577 - yes it's fine. I'm not going to say what my job is as it could be quite outing. But it's not a 9-5 corporate job and the hours themselves are fine. As is the commute really (as it's only now and again). My colleagues were just being kind by offering me a bed for the night, meaning I could spend what little evening we have left after work enjoying a proper catch up with them over a cuppa and then have a slightly later start in the morning, rather than driving home to fall into bed and having to get up very early to do the return journey in the morning.

I get it. I feel awkward at others houses so I rarely stay over(oddly im a bit better if people stay with me) I prefer my own bed and not worrying about being too loud or having to make the awkward chit chat.

I think after a night or two, you would get used to this. Especially when you see your colleagues being relaxed and comfortable with you around. People don't offer unless they are the type who love having people over. It's normal to feel a little self-conscious but once you start nattering over tea and having a laugh, you realise what you have been missing out on.
I would try it once and see how it goes.
Most of the people who have responded seem like they have more reservations than you do yourself, so maybe you are not as awkward about it as you have presumed!
I have stayed over with friends and there's nothing like having a bit of down time to catch up properly over a few hours. It will be lovely, for your friend and you.

@Achillo I think you're right. I shall give it a go!

I'd feel the same. I work remotely and the rare occasion I go into the office I dread being offered a place to stay by one of my colleagues. Some of them have alluded to it and I've subtly steered the conversation toward how much I'm looking forward to a night in a hotel all by myself. Same as you, they are all really lovely people. A few of them I consider genuine friends. In my younger years I wouldn't have hesitated to say yes. But in my 40's I just like my own space. Plus I find the whole meeting your colleagues partner and having to spend the evening chatting to them a bit awkward. And being woken up by their kids in the morning, and them wanting to play. I've had that before and I hate to admit I found it really irritating. I know I'm miserable 😂If it was a colleague I really liked and who lived alone I'd probably be fine with it.

Would it be feasible for you to just book yourself into a Travelodge? I think your company policy is a bit tight, if they think it's fine for you to finish at 9pm, drive 90 mins to get home and be back for 9am and they won't stump up for a hotel. Tight arses!