To keep school mums at a distance

[Whattherass]

They say hello one day the next completely blanked.. Why are some school mums like this?

It’s a stressful part of the day, I don’t take it personally if someone I say hi to hasn’t noticed me, I know I can get very ‘tunnel vision’ especially in the morning! I’ve probably blanked people when I’m rushing it had a bad morning. Also, the mum you say said hello to someone else maybe they are actual friends. Not just polite school run friends but friends outside of that.

Great post.

This may sound melodramatic but it all ties in with the running theme of misogyny when women aren’t playing the Little Wifey role - but there’s a part in the Handmaid’s Tale about how women carving out friendships with one another became suspicious and un-Christian like which is why women-to-women conversation is epithet banned or regulated in Gilead depending on what level of they are. Threads like this remind me of that a little.

I do find the cliquey trope a bit weird. Some people get on more than others and people gravitate towards people they become friendly with. That’s not cliquey it’s entirely normal.

I never did make school mum mates.
I took my children to school and picked them up end off.
Stood by myself and just smiled if someone walked past.

This is very true. And I've been several of these.

I've noticed it too. Some people don't say hello everyday, but then again there are times when I feel stressed and I'm sure I don't see people when they say hello to me; because I am distracted with DD- or just plain late!

You don't have to be everyone's mate or in the 'clique'. There are lots of cliques at DDs school but I couldn't join in if I wanted to as I'm a drop and run-ner!
I saw this on mumsnet on a thread for different types of school mums. I don't hang around as I'm in a rush to get to work! 😆

Just say hello to people when you see them, I wouldn't worry about it.

Me too. My best friend had a baby the same time as me and they go to the same school. So naturally when they started we enjoyed the privilege of seeing each other every day in the playground, it was nice to know someone. According to some I should have ignored my best friend of 20 years just in case it upset some overly-paranoid mum who ‘doesn’t wanna talk to us anyway’

How do you know if you didn't try and chat to them?

I wonder this too. some of the most meaningful conversations I have with friends are in the school playground.

Maybe these women sense the daggers they’re getting from a few mute individuals and naturally don’t want to invite the rude weirdo into their fold.

Because we don't exist as your social entertainment.

I also don't say hello to every person I pass on the street or in the supermarket... why would I?

I say it if someone says it first or maybe if I catch someones eye when they are entering and I'm leaving and it feels 'polite'... I dont have time to stop and chat though so why would I open a dialogue for a conversation I don't have time for?

School mams aren't my friends (we just happened to have children around the same time and live in the same area) and its a practical task not a social gathering.

Why does the word 'Cliquey' constantly pop up only on things about school mams?

There is NOTHING 'cliquey' about school mams and I have 3 kids and have been doing runs over a decade.

There are simply people who know each other and are friends, people who have great social skills and can engage anyone and people who do not have existing links and outgoing personalities. Like any other walk of life.

If you pop in boots and are standing in the queue and 2 women in front of you are chatting about one of their boyfriends new promotion are they being 'cliquey' for not including you? or are they just strangers going about daily tasks that you are eavesdropping on then for some reason taking their friendship personally like a bloody weirdo.

If you want to make friends actually make a proper effort to make friends (thats not just a smile or 'Hi' on the playground). Some people are good at that, some are not (I am not myself, I have learning issue that effect social abilities) but its no one else's fault you haven't figured out social skills to make friendships yet. Its not their job to read your mind and make all the moves to become friends with you and its not personal if they have other friends.

I think these threads themselves speak to a fault in social skills though. By the time you have school age kids you should be over that 'clingy' stage where you think someone has to be yours and only your friend. Getting jealous because the girl that said 'hi' to you yesterday is talking to someone else is very immature (toddler level social interaction) as is calling them names and 'falling out' and 'cutting them off' due to it is also immature (teen level emotional response).

Which is probably why people who start these thread struggle to make friends, a little self growth might help (or just be like me and learn to be a content loner because you know you can't control your neurodivergancies and strange find that weird)

Didn't see you because was thinking about something else
Didn't recognise you
In a rush

Gosh I don’t know maybe they have their own lives, problems, and issues to sort out and you’re not their number 1 priority??

As I said upthread , I have a few from my older daughters year, who has left primary school now. A couple mind you, not zillions. The rest were acquaintances.

In terms of my younger child now - many of the mums appear very unkind. Not all, just the Queen bees. This is apparent on the class WhatsApp as well as things I have overheard in the playground. I left the WhatsApp for four years - joined again this year, hoping things were kinder. Seems not.

I just keep myself to myself with this bunch. We just happen to have had children in the same year group. There are a few I make pleasantries with but that’s it. The others yes I do find cliquish and I am allowed to say and think that.

I've never ever understood why people care about pleasantries/feeling 'seen' on the school run.

I actively keep my head down and avoid eye contact with other parents so that I don't need to engage in small talk. Having done this for years, I've happened to gain a mutual understanding with another playground mum that does the same. We both give each other a knowing nod of solitude when we scurry past each other now. She's my playground best mate.

But yeah, I wouldn't worry OP, most of us have just got shit to do/places to be/other things to worry about.

Honestly it’s not about you; she probably had her mind elsewhere.

have you friends in real life? I’ve noticed a trend on here where some posters do focus very heavily on other mums and their interactions, taking exception if they are friends with other mums and not then, calling them cliques and bitches because of it. Taking issue if a few of them go out, accusing them of bullying. I recall one poster saying it shouldn’t be allowed for any mums to be friends unless they are friends with everyone. Some saying to tell the head they are being excluded as some mums are friendly.

it’s just really sad. The truth is anyone can be friends with who they please, small groups do not make you a bitch or it a clique and sometimes peoples mind is elsewhere and they simply aren’t thinking about you.

Is this all school mums? Does this automatically happen when you give birth?

Some school mums are absolute cranks!
I say this as a school mum myself. Roll on High School when I never have to see some of them again 🎉🤣

Don't take it personally.

I think it just happens when your child starts reception? You can be witty, intellectual, kind and amusing with lots of interesting things to say…until your 4yo walks over the threshold of that reception class and suddenly all of that is biologically drained from you.
Or is it in fact when women give birth? @Mariposista can you clarify please?

You're a school mum too, does that make you cliquish and bitchy or are you somehow superior to all others?

have you friends in real life? I’ve noticed a trend on here where some posters do focus very heavily on other mums and their interactions, taking exception if they are friends with other mums and not then, calling them cliques and bitches because of it. Taking issue if a few of them go out, accusing them of bullying. I recall one poster saying it shouldn’t be allowed for any mums to be friends unless they are friends with everyone.Some saying to tell the head they are being excluded as some mums are friendly
You've hit the nail on the head I think.

I also suspect there's an unhealthy mix of paranoia and internalised misogyny behind many of the posts. The amount of times women going about their normal daily business on the school run are described by what they're wearing, their hair, make up, being bitchy, being cliquey and the only criteria for this is the person posting doesn't like these random women because they're not in some (usually imaginary) inner circle.

Edit to add: in reality most people don't obsess if one person's got make up on, one person is walking the dogs, one person is dressed for work, Sandra said hi to Charlie, but was organising a play date with Hannah on Thursday and ok Friday she had a stinking headache and didn't talk to anyone.

Me standing in the playground talking to my school mum friends, is just that. If we were outside of school we wouldn’t be called a clique.

And yes of course I’m going to talk to them rather than people I don’t know becasue they’re my actual real life friends. We just happened to have met through our children.

There are simply people who know each other and are friends, people who have great social skills and can engage anyone and people who do not have existing links and outgoing personalities. Like any other walk of life.

This is my experience as well.

And this is of course totally normal and acceptable. The issue I think is there is a small minority who are lonely and want to join in. And due to their jealousy they attack. Saying it’s exclusion, bitchyness, cliques etc. of course it isn’t, but they think it’s about them,and dont see these women are just friends, they think they are being deliberately excluded.

i think it’s easier to attack than to just accept that they aren’t even thinking about you.

@Thatwasbanging
"I find them cliquish and bitchy and not especially pleasant and a quick hi and bye does me fine. And some days I don’t even do that."

How on earth can you say that about "school mums"? You know you are talking about all women between 20 and 50 don't you?

I've always got on well with the mums (and some of the dads) at DD's school and the parents are friendly overall. There are some I'm closer to than others and some who will say hello when not engaged in conversations - I'm neurodivergent and working on not walking over and trying to talk when one or more of the parents I consider friends are talking amongst themselves as I don't want to be seen as "butting in" on what could be a private conversation. My intention is to join in, say hello and be friendly but I worry people might take it the wrong way. Plus some of the "private conversations" have related to matters concerning their children and not DD, or they are discussing arrangements for parties/social events that she had not been invited to, for instance.