To keep school mums at a distance

[Whattherass]

They say hello one day the next completely blanked.. Why are some school mums like this?

Why do that? Some of my closest friends I met at the school gates (actually at the class coffee morning we did every week after drop off). Sure there were other mums who did as you say, and even worse some who turned on the charm when they wanted a favour, but that's life. One in particular became a 'friend' for a few weeks - suggesting coffee, lending me books about dog health, etc. turns out she needed a masssive favour, which I agreed to. Due to outside circumstances she didn't need it in the end, so dropped me like a stone. But no problem, there were plenty of genuine people who happened to be mums I met through the school who I'm still close to despite our kids all at uni!

Is there an unwritten rule that if you say hello to somebody one morning, you're obliged to say hello to them every morning for ever?

Surely you just smile and say hello to the people nearest to you

Otherwise you'd be running around the whole playground in case you've missed anyone out

Some people do have a bee in their bonnet about "school Mums", but it's usually unjustified IMHO

It seems instead of getting on with their own lives like normal people do they are secret meetings in a cave with interpretive dancing to come up with deep and meaningful ways to upset certain parents

It's all a big conspiracy, but one thing I do know is people have serious issues to unpick far out

Don't take it personally

I try to smile and say hello, but sometimes I have been kicked and hit multiple times trying to get my SEN child plus toddler to school and nursery. It can be a huge physical and emotional struggle single handedly trying to get coats, shoes and bags on children who are actively fighting you all the way.

I see other children who actually enjoy going to school and their parents look very happy and cheery!

I think your point about it being one of the most challenging environments known to woman is spot on! I can't wait for end of school runs, primary school mum politics, snubs and general cliquey rudeness.

I know this is hard to get your head around but "school mums" are not a blanket single group. If they were... you would also be one.

Also, as numerous people have already pointed out, quite often "school mums" are actually just trying to get through the morning. By the time they've dropped their child, they've probably bene up for hours, and feel like they've run a marathon. Now they have to go to work, or do the chores, or look after a sick relative or all of the above.

As a rule, I absolutely make an effort to greet people on school run, but I definitely have sometimes missed people because I'm in my own world, or stressed, or rushing, or thinking about something else, or trying not to cry because yet again by the time DS left th house we're all stressed....

Your'e not the centre of the universe. Some taking it so personally.

They're busy. When ds was at school I said hello and left.

I don’t have a school aged child but you see a huge number of mumsnet threads about how making friends with school parents is fraught with difficulty.

Maybe it’s inevitable - parents don’t necessarily have anything in common except similarly-aged children, so perhaps it’s always going to be a ripe atmosphere for tension. But it seems like something about the school connection can lead to cliques, competition, judgment etc.

I certainly don’t think there’s anything to be lost from keeping your distance - perfectly reasonable to be polite but nothing more. These people don’t need to be your best friends.

You are missing nada.

These people, well 99.9 percent of them, are not your friends. They are acquaintances and you’ll be lucky if you get through primary school coming out with one or two of them as genuine friends.

I find them cliquish and bitchy and not especially pleasant and a quick hi and bye does me fine. And some days I don’t even do that.

Chill out op . Concentrate on your self and your own family.

I find them cliquish and bitchy and not especially pleasant and a quick hi and bye does me fine. And some days I don’t even do that.

This is such a ridiculous statement. Do all women, on having children in primary school, suddenly become "cliquish and bitchy"? Of course not.

The reality is that at school, the only thing you have in common with most of these people is that your children are a similar age. That's it. If you're lucky, like in any activity where you're thrown together with a group of strangers, you hope to find enough in common to be friends. But unlike a hobby, or even a work situation, the similarity here is about as vague as it's possible to be - you have children, you live in the same rough area. That's not much to use as a kickstart to friendship.

Admittedly, there are some women who do seem to define themselves by the fact that they have children of a certain age at a certain school and they might then create little groups that are all obsessed with their children and the school... but those are people who I wouldn't want to be friends with anyway!

Expecting to be all warm and fuzzy with potentially 30-120 other families just because your children are at school together is ridiculous.

Because they have things on their mind?

Because they haven’t made eye contact?

Because simply possessing a womb doesn’t mean you have to be Miss Friendly every day?

This xx

I find them cliquish and bitchy and not especially pleasant and a quick hi and bye does me fine.

And bingo!

So you are calling yourself bitchy? Amongst other names

I wouldn’t take it personally. Some mornings I’m super chatty and friendly and stand at the gate having chats with everyone. The next morning I’m feeling tired, have a massive pimple or just a bit grumpy and I keep my eyes down and avoid everyone.

I find these ‘school mums are cliquey and bitchy’ so bloody misogynistic.

Women can have friends with other women without inviting the 28 other peers to be in their friendship circle. The assumption they’re being bitchy is pathetic. I have school mum friends and we have better things to talk about then some paranoid sexists who think it’s abominable that we talk to one another and not them

Noted!

Good grief I’m glad I’m past this stage. Why do you care? It’s five minutes in the morning. You all have a job to do - dropping your kids into school safely. It’s not a social club. You chat to pass time if you have time. Morning drop offs are usually the worst for that as most have other things to do.

once your kids are eleven you won’t give these people a moments thought and they won’t think of you either - apart from the one or two you’ve made a real life impact on. its really not worth sweating over. It’s a transient point in time.

The mum who blanked me spoke to another mum but looked straight through me I need to toughen up and not worry about it.

Yep.

Also it’s fine for that poster to not speak to others but the ‘cliquey’ mums are ‘bitchy’ if they don’t.

PSA: Grown Women - if you wanna make friends go talk to people. If you don’t then fine. But don’t complain no one is approaching YOU if you’re not approaching anyone yourself.

That other mum is probably her friend. Do you say hello to everyone you pass on the playground? I don’t. Aside from the fact I’d never make it home, it’s just weird. “Hello” “hello” “hello” “hello”

In your opinion, you find it ‘ ridiculous’ , but that’s your opinion. You aren’t me , you have not been in my shoes and have not heard some of the things said at our school, in our playground.

Ours currently , in my experience, are not pleasant. No, of course I cannot speak for every single one of them. That IS ridiculous, but I can speak for those in my child’s class and in my experience .

My elder child however, her class was a different kettle of fish and I do have one or two whom I am still friendly with . They were a zillion times nicer.

Given that 82% of women in the UK have children, what you are actually saying is that most women are "boring, cliquey with far too much time on their hands and very few meaningful things to say".

This trope is as old as the hills. There is something about seeing women doing traditional fermale roles that really brings the misogyny out. These people know that it's socially unacceptable to say "Women are boring, cliquey and petty", but suddenly think it's acceptable when it's women enacting a traditional female role. Well, it isn't. We see your misogyny for what it is.

The women I know who have children (gasp) are interesting, clever, funny and generous women. They are also busy and don't measure their character by how many people they've said hi to on their way to work.

OK so you do have school mum friends. Do you include all the other mums in your group? If it why not - why are you so cliquey?