Is there a name for this?

[Helptonight]

Really struggling with this tonight. I love talking, I love hearing peoples thoughts on everything - their history, problems, experiences etc...often me and my friends/family talk and it's not about solving problems just fleshing out ideas, possible resolutions, suggestions, our experiences etc...sort of what makes us tick conversations.

My husband is not like this. If I talk about something, he offers a resolution and I'll say 'sure but what about this/that?' he immediately gets annoyed and basically shuts me down. He gets very irate if I continue to ask questions or explore further ideas.

An example would be this evening he had a call from a relative to say they were worried about another relatives health (on his side) I was in the room and he spent the whole conversation talking over the person and essentially shutting down the family member. When he got off the phone I said what's going on and he repeated the concerns. I tried to say I see if from both sides (I really do) he then said 'I'm not taking about this with you any further' silence

Its so fucking annoying! Why does he do this? Am I totally missing something? Not one other person in my life behaves like this towards me. He doesn't cope well with emotions so I assume I am pushing a trigger but ffs how an earth does a nearly 50 year old man not know how to have a discussion without cutting people off or getting offended for being asked a question?

Are you just incompatible, OP?

I don't really like talking in the way you've described. You seem to love it A LOT.

Do you maybe talk things to death op? Go round in circles? You just sound incompatible.

So essentially you like chewing the cud / gossiping and not actually resolving anything

Your husband doesn’t - which is ok - perhaps he is one of those people who are solution focused and doesn’t waste thoughts or words second guessing stuff ( good in so many jobs)

Have you only just realised you are not the same?
Its his family, his conversation- no need to hijack it
Chill out - and maybe talk a little less in some situations

Maybe when he comes home from work he wants to relax and not take onboard problems that are not his.

Your may be chatty and interesting to some people but to others you will be a chirping bird incessantly wittering away.

I am quite pragmatic and usually like to come up with a solution to a problem.

I can't bear people being wishy washy. One of my shortcomings.

But I can't talk about the same issue for days on end. I would find this really annoying.

Maybe your husband thinks he is finding solutions and your always seeing the problems.

I totally take it in board that I might be annoying and not everyone like to talk the arse out of a subject! But the immediate shut down of most discussions? I always listen to his day, everyone that might have wound him up, work bollocks etc

He can listen to me for all of 30 seconds and then his attention is elsewhere

He's always been like it, we are very different in that respect. Just as we get older its become increasingly hard to be 'ok you're done with this so I'll shut up'

I would have said that maybe you just communicate differently until this:
'he then said 'I'm not taking about this with you any further' silence"
which is really, really rude.
As is the fact that he expects you to listen to him moaning about work, but won't listen to you about anything for 30 seconds.

@Restinggoddess maybe you're right, I should just respect that and leave it be I suppose.

@CantFindTheBeat I do like talking 😂 but more than that I love listening and trying to make sense of things. I just think as we grow older surly conversations and understating eachother is a lovely thing and if its constantly getting shut down the what is the actual point?

That would be reasonable, except that he seems to not want her to talk in ANY situation! He talks at her but doesn't want to listen to her in return.

@Jewelspun point taken, I take it in board not everyone is the same. It just hurts to be told in such a blunt manner

If it was me, I’d probably go somewhere quiet and call that relative back and offer my support. If they’re worried and have a hard decision to make, and at least let them talk it out.
But then again, my husband isn’t anything like yours in that we have cool chats.

I think it's a real shame if you think you should shut up for the rest of your married life because your husband doesn't want to hear what you say. It sounds very unequal, with him telling you about his work bollocks but shutting you down rudely if you try to discuss anything with him.

@FictionalCharacter also I would like to say it's not so much gossiping, just if for example he says to me 'oh xxxx is being a twat at work' I would prob say why do you think that is? Didn't she have that thing happen last year and xyz? Then I'll either be told I don't know what I'm talking about or total subject change

Talk to him! If you love each other you’ll work it out. It’ll take some time to break old habits but it’ll help to come together to work on your communication as a team.

I am naturally a fixer, but sometimes people don’t want me to fix their issues, they want me to listen to them and empathise with them. I honestly didn’t know this until a disgruntled friend told me one day! Since then before I reply to my friends and DH I try to remember to ask, “Do you want me to listen or fix?” so I know what they need from me in that moment. All my good friends do this so we can be sure to really hear each other. Would something like this help you both?

OK, he doesn't want to take on board problems that are not his. If that's the case why does he think it's OK to offload HIS work problems on to her? It's a marriage, she isn't his paid therapist.

@FictionalCharacter trust me that won't happen! But maybe I need to understand he doesn't want everything to dissected to the bone?

@Northby this is sound advice. He is defo a fixer

Oh I dislike all the gossipy supposing and what-iffing about people SO MUCH.

My mum does it all the time and it winds me up no end and genuinely stresses me out.
I’m not actually sure why. I think because it’s pointless and there is no end to the conversation, it just goes on and one and can never reach any sort of conclusion. ARGH! So I am on your husband’s side here.

Again, he's being very rude to say you "don't know what you're talking about". Extremely rude. Sounds like he just wants you to listen quietly and say nothing while he bleats on about his work. And he shuts you up when you try to have an actual conversation.
I disagree with other posters here. What you're describing is not normal civil conversation between a couple. It's him wanting a silent wife who listens to whatever he has to say.

Some people like these types of discussions.

I'm one of them. There's a whole style of teaching through dialogue (or discussion) which comes from the ancient Greeks.

Other people just see the world as right or wrong or here's a problem I have a solution.

Some people don't like these discussions because they don't want to be wrong, some people don't like talking full stop.

I suspect he sees conversation differently to you - as information exchange only.

I really and truly couldn‘t bear this.

Apart from anything it just seems so intrusive and disrespectful and I would HATE to think of other people talking like this and making up all sorts of nonsense about me.

@Diolchynfawr 😂 fair enough

So what do I do then?

@Diolchynfawr eh?

So if he comes home and says was winding me up today' I just say ok?