Is there a name for this?

[Helptonight]

Really struggling with this tonight. I love talking, I love hearing peoples thoughts on everything - their history, problems, experiences etc...often me and my friends/family talk and it's not about solving problems just fleshing out ideas, possible resolutions, suggestions, our experiences etc...sort of what makes us tick conversations.

My husband is not like this. If I talk about something, he offers a resolution and I'll say 'sure but what about this/that?' he immediately gets annoyed and basically shuts me down. He gets very irate if I continue to ask questions or explore further ideas.

An example would be this evening he had a call from a relative to say they were worried about another relatives health (on his side) I was in the room and he spent the whole conversation talking over the person and essentially shutting down the family member. When he got off the phone I said what's going on and he repeated the concerns. I tried to say I see if from both sides (I really do) he then said 'I'm not taking about this with you any further' silence

Its so fucking annoying! Why does he do this? Am I totally missing something? Not one other person in my life behaves like this towards me. He doesn't cope well with emotions so I assume I am pushing a trigger but ffs how an earth does a nearly 50 year old man not know how to have a discussion without cutting people off or getting offended for being asked a question?

@Octavia64 I do love the Greeks and stoicism!

He sounds emotionally unavailable to everyone.

My advice would be just not to try and analyse it.

If he says X was winding him up, you could ask for more factual information “what was he doing?” show empathy “that’s rotten, sorry to hear that” cheer him up “that’s because he knows you’re ten times the manager he is” or distract him with a piece of your own news.

Just don’t ask questions that your husband can’t possibly know the answer to, about the inner workings of another person’s mind or relationships.

My DH is more of a "fixer" when sometimes l just want my feelings validated and don't actully want a solution!

I’m like you. I will often say to colleagues, ‘can you be my sounding board?’ All I need is another human to listen and now and again bounce an idea off. In your situation, it would be nice if your husband asked, ‘Do you want me to listen or do you want a solution?’ Often the answer is just listen.

We call it talking for talkings sake in our family. You can chew the cud but then it becomes very trying.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead he doesn't cope with emotions very well, becomes overwhelmed quite quickly. Love your username 😂

@Justrolledmyeyesoutloud he's defo a fixer

I'm on your side, here. He sounds really rude with very poor communication skills and as though it's his way or the highway.

@JhsLs this is good advice I'm going to bring this up with him, obv not this evening!

@idontlikealdi I am a cud chewer, I'm realising this is not for everyone 😂

It's not unusual lots of men are like this. If you say anything about a problem or situation they seem to think they are being asked for a resolution and will give advice.
Where most women just sympathise and give you tea.
I've had to tell Dh not to fix things for me, I'm not asking for him to fix anything, unless I specifically ask for help. Just having a moan here! Sometimes he remembers other times he doesn't.

• I always listen to his day, everyone that might have wound him up, work bollocks etc

He can listen to me for all of 30 seconds and then his attention is elsewhere*

This is the problem - the imbalance.

(I am a talker. My partner is an introvert. I have to recognise that sometimes my talking is just too exhausting for him. But he wouldn't expect to be able to vent with me and not let me reciprocate

I'd buy a 2nd hand copy from ebay of 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'.

I found it made alot of sense in terms of how men and women think differently. I'm generalising, but men are often fixers and will try to find a solution- even if YOU aren't asking for one. Women like to chat things over. You do, however, sound like an extreme chatter and remind me of a work colleague. She drives us all absolutely nuts with her verbal diarrheoa and I wish I had a mute button.
DH shutting you completely down is rude, but talking incessantly is too!

I'd buy a 2nd hand copy from ebay of 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'.

There's a similar book I read called Why Men Don't Listen And Women Can't Read Maps. Eye opening. But this was about 20 years ago so it's probably outdated and been shut down for stereotyping by now...

@SM4713 😂 I hear you! I can read a room, these types of chats would only be with my closest friends and family. I don't like the sound of my own voice, I like deep convos with my nearest and dearest and it's honestly more me asking questions and listening to answers rather than droning on about me or my opinion on the subject. Maybe I should have been a therapist. I do take your point and eveyone else's as well

@MrsCarson this is something I will bring up another day with him

@Whataretheodds Exactly. I get he doesn't want to pick apart everything (where as I probably do!) but the imbalance is upsetting

A surprising number of men don't actually like their wives as people. They like the free sex, housekeeping, gestating a child, wifework stuff. But as an actual person? Nope. Hearing that person talk is more than they can bear, because they don't actually like them.

I have a friend who does this a bit, she constantly just decides what is the right answer and then just runs with it, despite not having heard the whole story, I think she gets stressed out and can't really listen properly.

She also does this thing where she talks over me, 'you have to do x, y and z' - like there's no other answer really really annoying, and when she's not doing that she often just keeps giving the other position, which, when or if you're trying to explain something isn't that helpful. I have flipped out at her recently because I couldn't take any more.

I think the word you are looking for is neurodivergent

I had a friend like this. We’d go and see a film, for example, and I would ask her what she thought about it and maybe talk about a couple of things. She would just say it was alright and wouldn’t elucidate or be drawn. It drove me nuts so I stopped doing things with her. I can just go to a film on my own if the person I go with doesn’t want to discuss it afterwards. What’s the point otherwise?

As in you think he may be neurodivergent?

@warriorofhopelessness its kind of what I'm thinking. What is the point then? What's the point of going through this life if we can't have meaningful discussions? I'll just nod, listen and then ask if he wants a cup of tea? Fuck that

I hope he’s nice in other ways, OP. Think the name for this behaviour is ‘ill-mannered and domineering.’

You’re not a child or a servant. It’d be rude to say what he did even if you were.

Maybe he was feeling a bit worn-out and I get that not everyone is up for a full post-mortem and analysing every potential outcome and variable under the sun but communication goes both ways. So you‘ve got different conversational styles, doesn’t mean he needs to opt for disrespect. I wonder if he’d like it if you spoke to him like that.