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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another Christmas thread...

64 replies

dishyrishi · 13/11/2023 20:53

MIL lives 300 miles away, and always comes for Christmas, never goes to other children, always us. Stays for at least a week, doesn't lift a finger. My family don't come, and we don't go to them anymore.

DH today asked what the plan with Xmas, should we invite mum...

I've lost the plot a bit and said no. He now has a face on.

I'm sick of it. I want Christmas at home in my PJs with my teenagers.

We have no spare bedroom so someone has to give up their bed. I'm not prepared to do it any more.

I work full time and do the majority of the cooking/cleaning and planning. I also have a medical condition and just need a bloody rest not to host for a week.

AIBU, do other people just put up with this and suck it up, I've done it for years, dragging my arse around the country, or hosting and having guests. Is it really unfair to wait to stay home and do nothing?

OP posts:
Ifailed · 13/11/2023 20:54

There's a dedicated xmas section, why not post there?

wokbun · 13/11/2023 20:55

You're fine. Or! You could go away for a week to a nice hotel and leave him to it

VanityDiesHard · 13/11/2023 21:01

YANBU. Either your husband does all the work, or his mother doesn't come. I would make this your hill to die on. As it is unlikely he will do the work, just uninvite her. You aren't a hotel!!

Loubelle70 · 13/11/2023 21:05

I went through this and i am disabled...running around after everyone, doing everything, cooking, washing up etc..shopping beforehand, meal planning, cleaning...no one lifted finger..so i stopped it. Stop it OP. I also wouldn't say to DH to do it because they ALWAYS no matter what they aay at time, will leave it to you either way. Say no and mean no.

Original poster
dishyrishi · 13/11/2023 21:16

I say all this with nobenofbthebudual anti MIL stuff, if she lived local no problem to come for dinner, but it's always a weeks trip, like a little holiday at the expense of my sanity and own needs

OP posts:
Original poster
dishyrishi · 13/11/2023 21:17

*non of the usual

OP posts:
Original poster
dishyrishi · 13/11/2023 21:18

Loubelle70 · 13/11/2023 21:05

I went through this and i am disabled...running around after everyone, doing everything, cooking, washing up etc..shopping beforehand, meal planning, cleaning...no one lifted finger..so i stopped it. Stop it OP. I also wouldn't say to DH to do it because they ALWAYS no matter what they aay at time, will leave it to you either way. Say no and mean no.

This is correct, my DH talks a good talk about helping out, but just cracks open a bottle, holders talking with her and leaves me to sort stuff

OP posts:
jesper1 · 13/11/2023 21:19

Has DH got siblings? If so why can't one of them invite her for a change

Original poster
dishyrishi · 13/11/2023 21:20

jesper1 · 13/11/2023 21:19

Has DH got siblings? If so why can't one of them invite her for a change

They've sort of all fallen out, say no more

OP posts:
Original poster
dishyrishi · 13/11/2023 22:14

Ifailed · 13/11/2023 20:54

There's a dedicated xmas section, why not post there?

Found that now but it's all talk of baubles and pressies

OP posts:
Original poster
dishyrishi · 13/11/2023 22:14

wokbun · 13/11/2023 20:55

You're fine. Or! You could go away for a week to a nice hotel and leave him to it

I wish I could do this but have dogs

OP posts:
MustBeGinOclock · 14/11/2023 04:29

Definitely deserve to have xmas your way op, time for a break.

EtiennePalmiere · 14/11/2023 04:40

Put it in writing via Whatsapp to him that you're not going to do the food etc because you always do it, then actually don't do it. If anyone complains tell them he was informed. Definitely don't martyr yourself.

BMrs · 14/11/2023 06:02

That's really difficult. Would she be on her own otherwise? Could you compromise and invite her but say it will only be overnight as you have plans?

Personally I don't see MIL on Xmas day as she's really toxic and we don't get on. I'm the last couple of years we've gone away and spent Xmas just us and DC and it's been lovely after years of large family gatherings I have mostly hosted.

wokbun · 14/11/2023 06:11

I think you're going to have to sacrifice this christmas a little for the sake of next christmas. Agree - say yes if you take on some of the load. Then write out a list of what normally gets done. Assign bits to you and bits to him (do this with him there, you both get to choose some of the bits you don't mind as much).

Then when the time comes along - STICK to the plan. Rigidly apart from negotiating a swap if needed.

Either - he will step up
Or - the week will be so shit you can use it to remind him next year

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/11/2023 06:15

Family who come for a week every year and sit on their arse expecting to be waited on deserve to be on their own.

EtiennePalmiere · 14/11/2023 06:18

wokbun · 14/11/2023 06:11

I think you're going to have to sacrifice this christmas a little for the sake of next christmas. Agree - say yes if you take on some of the load. Then write out a list of what normally gets done. Assign bits to you and bits to him (do this with him there, you both get to choose some of the bits you don't mind as much).

Then when the time comes along - STICK to the plan. Rigidly apart from negotiating a swap if needed.

Either - he will step up
Or - the week will be so shit you can use it to remind him next year

Why should she take on the mental load ?? He's an adult, he can figure it out with the help of Google and his memory of previous Christmases.

LaurieStrode · 14/11/2023 06:20

wokbun · 14/11/2023 06:11

I think you're going to have to sacrifice this christmas a little for the sake of next christmas. Agree - say yes if you take on some of the load. Then write out a list of what normally gets done. Assign bits to you and bits to him (do this with him there, you both get to choose some of the bits you don't mind as much).

Then when the time comes along - STICK to the plan. Rigidly apart from negotiating a swap if needed.

Either - he will step up
Or - the week will be so shit you can use it to remind him next year

What????

Just no. Why should she let herself in for a shit Christmas with a stupid mind game?

wokbun · 14/11/2023 06:22

EtiennePalmiere · 14/11/2023 06:18

Why should she take on the mental load ?? He's an adult, he can figure it out with the help of Google and his memory of previous Christmases.

Show quote history

TOGETHER- they write it out together.

farnworth · 14/11/2023 06:25

It sounds like, for years, Christmas has meant…..
additional hard work and disruption / no consideration of your needs and wants / not been the Christmas you would like. It is not fair on you. You feel you need a much-deserved rest, so stick to your guns.

Your MIL has other children. They might have fallen out, but why should you feel guilty at not having her. Let them feel guilty if she is to be her own, and maybe they will do something about it. Your MIL might end up going to friends or do something different. We are fed this ideal of how people should be with family at Christmas - but it can be impossible / not practical / not a happy scenario / too much work and no appreciation for the work and sacrifices made usually by the woman.

stillholly · 14/11/2023 06:28

Could she come but maybe just for one or two nights and your husband doing the bulk of the work?

It's a little sad that otherwise she would be on her own at Christmas. Presumably she is old, won't have many more christmases left and it makes your husband a decent man to want to spend time with his mother.

Just attempting a slightly different perspective.

Gingerninja4 · 14/11/2023 06:38

No help for mil but away resorts open over Christmas and dog friendly especially Sandy Balls. Be tempted to book a break for you and dogs ,teens can decide either way

LemonCurd1 · 14/11/2023 06:40

Good for you. Have a nice family day on Xmas day then invite your parents over Boxing Day or something.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 14/11/2023 06:47

A week is way too long over xmas! Im glad when our guests leave around teatime after lunch!!

The problem being its now a 'tradition' so stopping it always makes a family look unreasonable! And if its your decision, then you look unreasonable. We had this when we moved house (after doing the visiting everyone every Xmas day, noone else was bothered) we laid down new 'rules' and had the Christmas we wanted. People were initially put out but it works without issue now (we do host, just every few years and we don't visit on Xmas day)
Why won't she go to other family? Is there issues with her relationships with the other children?
I do get that if she is going to be on her own that will be difficult for your DH but that doesn't mean you have to have her. Its still early enough to arrange her to go to nearer family and uour DH needs yo get his Siblings involved , who will probably be upset ghat you are not willing to shoulder the mental/physical load anymore!
Do it. Stick to it!

InTheCheapSeats · 14/11/2023 06:49

You need to call it in now op, you deserve a Christmas that you want, not what others want.
If he persists in being with his mother on Christmas day, tell him that's fine, you hope he has a lovely time at his mother's.
Otherwise, tell him here's the list of Xmas food that YOU need to buy for YOU to cook for your mother and us because I'll be sat with my feet up in my pyjamas with a Bailey's.
See if he still wants her there then when he has to do the graft.