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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another Christmas thread...

64 replies

dishyrishi · 13/11/2023 20:53

MIL lives 300 miles away, and always comes for Christmas, never goes to other children, always us. Stays for at least a week, doesn't lift a finger. My family don't come, and we don't go to them anymore.

DH today asked what the plan with Xmas, should we invite mum...

I've lost the plot a bit and said no. He now has a face on.

I'm sick of it. I want Christmas at home in my PJs with my teenagers.

We have no spare bedroom so someone has to give up their bed. I'm not prepared to do it any more.

I work full time and do the majority of the cooking/cleaning and planning. I also have a medical condition and just need a bloody rest not to host for a week.

AIBU, do other people just put up with this and suck it up, I've done it for years, dragging my arse around the country, or hosting and having guests. Is it really unfair to wait to stay home and do nothing?

OP posts:
sollenwir · 14/11/2023 09:56

@TVaddict23 maybe she cannot do that every Sunday, or maybe she can but likes it so much she wants to do it at Christmas too (plus stuff her face & open some pressies)?

TVaddict23 · 14/11/2023 09:59

sollenwir · 14/11/2023 09:56

@TVaddict23 maybe she cannot do that every Sunday, or maybe she can but likes it so much she wants to do it at Christmas too (plus stuff her face & open some pressies)?

Edited

That's why I didn't call her unreasonable. It is just not my idea of Christmas but fair enough if its hers.

Anoisagusaris · 14/11/2023 10:00

Can you not have a lazy week, apart from Christmas Day, while she is there? Could you and teens not just stay in pjs, watch tv etc??

LadyBird1973 · 14/11/2023 10:26

I wouldn't pay for her room in a hotel. You aren't doing anything wrong here and you don't owe her compensation. She doesn't need at got your room when you visit!

Original poster
dishyrishi · 14/11/2023 10:58

TVaddict23 · 14/11/2023 09:55

I won't say YABU because you're entitled to spend Christmas how you like. However I don't really get the spending it in your pj's doing nothing. Surely you can just do that any Sunday?

She probably looks forward to it all year and tbh visiting your kids and not lifting a finger doesn't sound that bad to me. I like to look after my Mum when she comes to visit, she did plenty of Christmas dinners herself so why not relax now?

I can't do that every Sunday as work weekends and have kids to take to various clubs

OP posts:
Original poster
dishyrishi · 14/11/2023 11:10

Anyhow, I've now decided, I've done 16 years of this kind of Christmas, one where everyone else's needs came first, this year I'm not putting up with it, this year I'm having a break, Ian's age can sort herself out.

I'm now sort of realising a main factor in the other siblings distancing themselves is due to the neediness.

OP posts:
clarebear111 · 14/11/2023 11:18

Good for you, OP! It sounds like your MIL has had a good run of it. A whole week of doing nothing at Christmas, and a week in the summer, and did I read you pay for her hotel rooms sometimes too?!

I'm all for looking after family, but there has to be give as well as take. I think your DH has some nerve to have a face on him about this. You're not stopping him taking the reins, after all. It seems to me that your DH and MIL are perfectly happy with the status quo because they get to relax whilst you do everything, and I think the fact your DCs have asked for a change means they can probably see the imbalance (and no longer want to give up/share rooms).

Please stick to your guns and let the chips fall where they may. Enjoy your Christmas.

Greenpolkadot · 14/11/2023 11:19

wokbun · 14/11/2023 06:11

I think you're going to have to sacrifice this christmas a little for the sake of next christmas. Agree - say yes if you take on some of the load. Then write out a list of what normally gets done. Assign bits to you and bits to him (do this with him there, you both get to choose some of the bits you don't mind as much).

Then when the time comes along - STICK to the plan. Rigidly apart from negotiating a swap if needed.

Either - he will step up
Or - the week will be so shit you can use it to remind him next year

I don't think it's all about what the DH doesn't do..it's about the mil expecting to be waited on entertained and not helping

Mazuslongtoenail · 14/11/2023 11:23

My MIL and SIL are coming for 10 days over Christmas but I like having them here.

We have an understanding that someone else does lunch - just getting bits out of the fridge etc and everyone chips in with clearing the table and dishwasher. So I only have to do planning and dinners.

It makes a huge difference that DH quietly keeps on top of all washing up and general tidying. If that was on me I can see it would feel like a real grind having to do everything for everyone else.

Original poster
dishyrishi · 14/11/2023 11:26

dishyrishi · 13/11/2023 20:53

MIL lives 300 miles away, and always comes for Christmas, never goes to other children, always us. Stays for at least a week, doesn't lift a finger. My family don't come, and we don't go to them anymore.

DH today asked what the plan with Xmas, should we invite mum...

I've lost the plot a bit and said no. He now has a face on.

I'm sick of it. I want Christmas at home in my PJs with my teenagers.

We have no spare bedroom so someone has to give up their bed. I'm not prepared to do it any more.

I work full time and do the majority of the cooking/cleaning and planning. I also have a medical condition and just need a bloody rest not to host for a week.

AIBU, do other people just put up with this and suck it up, I've done it for years, dragging my arse around the country, or hosting and having guests. Is it really unfair to wait to stay home and do nothing?

10 days, woah, that is hardcore

OP posts:
Twazique · 14/11/2023 12:03

It is not unreasonable to have one in every sixteen years for you!

WickedSerious · 14/11/2023 12:04

dishyrishi · 14/11/2023 07:36

Yes my family live in my house, you are right, those who want a free holiday can visit tui dot com going forward

Show quote history

Exactly,stick to your guns and have the Christmas you want.

steppemum · 14/11/2023 12:46

my Granny used to do this.
Mymum was a teacher, so on her knees by end of term. Then mad rush to get everything before Christmas day.
My Granny would come to stay, she arrived about 3 days before Christmas and would stay....and stay. Trains on her bargain ticket were Tues and Thurs and she would announce on Wed night that she didn't think she'd get tomorrows train that she'd wait until nect Tuesday.
She often ended up staying until the day before the end of my mum's Christmas break.
It killed my mum. My dad wouldn't say no to his mum.
In the end my Mum put her foot down, and made it very clear which days she was invited for.

SeulementUneFois · 31/12/2023 11:19

@dishyrishi
OP
Sorry just happened upon this thread now. Did you manage to have an ok Christmas, what happened in the end?

(Apologies for resurrecting the thread, I didn't have a great Christmas myself, so just trying to hope it'll get better...)

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