Another Christmas thread...

[dishyrishi]

MIL lives 300 miles away, and always comes for Christmas, never goes to other children, always us. Stays for at least a week, doesn't lift a finger. My family don't come, and we don't go to them anymore.

DH today asked what the plan with Xmas, should we invite mum...

I've lost the plot a bit and said no. He now has a face on.

I'm sick of it. I want Christmas at home in my PJs with my teenagers.

We have no spare bedroom so someone has to give up their bed. I'm not prepared to do it any more.

I work full time and do the majority of the cooking/cleaning and planning. I also have a medical condition and just need a bloody rest not to host for a week.

AIBU, do other people just put up with this and suck it up, I've done it for years, dragging my arse around the country, or hosting and having guests. Is it really unfair to wait to stay home and do nothing?

OP, you don't have to sacrifice anything. You've done your bit for multiple years, now it's your turn. Don't be the doormat wife who tries to coach her husband.

As they say in the movies ' you had me at ...someone has to give up their bed'.

Say no, have your Christmas your way. Spending Christmas on your own is not the worst thing in the world. Your husband can face time her or he could go up there to her and you can have Christmas with your teens. So many more options.

She's not old or infirm, she has a better social life than we do and she's very physically active.

She doesn't muck in, she offers to help but leaves dirty pots/clothes everywhere and just sits around like the queen.

All of this aside, I don't think I ought to placate my DH any longer with it.

Two opposite sex teens and no spare room. I'm not asking anyone to give up their bed any longer.

If we lived locally we wouldn't see her as much as we do, we see her in large chunks of time as she claims the journey is too far for anything else. It is a long journey, but a week is too long.

I go to see my family for an overnight trip ahead of the day, they are actually old and infirm, so can't come to us. A day trip is enough for me and the kids.

We go to her once a year for a week but stay in an Airbnb.

She comes to us for a week each summer as we live in a touristy area and she wants a free holiday. It's hard work having house guests for extended periods. I've done it for years.

I had a bit of a meltdown last night about it all, was good to clear the air.

I work full time, I have a medical condition which causes me fatigue. I think I've just done it for so long I've lost track of what is reasonable!

I think if it were any other time of the year then I'd be with you. But Christmas is a time for family and togetherness, not isolation of a mum and grandmother.

Imagine if that were your children leaving you on your own at Christmas when you're older.

I think it might be too late to change everyone’s expectations for this year. However things can be changed. Reduce the length of the visit and insist she stays locally rather than with you, no one in your household should lose their bed over Christmas. If you live in a tourist area, accommodation should be one of the easier aspects to change.

I also agree that you need to agree a better division of the tasks and stick to it.

Now is the time to prepare everyone for bigger changes next year.

Yes my family live in my house, you are right, those who want a free holiday can visit tui dot com going forward

It's time for family and togetherness, with the OPs immediate family, her, DH and the DC. Not extended family who don't add anything to the celebration but cause issues for everyone else.

You don't have to sacrifice a nice time just because it's Christmas!

Why would this only count for OP and not all of MILs other children she's not seeing at all over Christmas? Surely it should be a shared burden.

Yes we always pay for the accommodation too, so actually if she wants to come she can book her own digs

You are dead right OP. Keep you foot firmly down on this. Your DH and his mum are used to using you for a free ride with life. So take that away from them and don’t feel the slightest bit of guilt.

So when your children are grown and have a family of their own, they can exclude you as you won't live in their house?

I realise you're at the end of your tether with it, but your approach sounds mean. I assume you don't talk like that about your MIL to your husband.

I'm thinking OP would be a much more courteous guest and not treat someone else's home like a hotel with maid service.

@dishyrishi Stay strong, it's time to think about yourself for once. You're not rejecting her completely, just making it clear that the existing terms of her stay no longer work for you and your family.

Fair point. I'm overlooking a lot of the negatives here as I'm struggling to see past the husband telling his mum she's not welcome for Christmas anymore so will have to be on her own.

She is welcome for dinner, just not for a week at everyone else's cost (treating their house as a hotel, kids giving up beds, OP knackered and functioning as a maid, outstaying her welcome, never visiting other siblings etc).

I had a bit of a meltdown last night about it all, was good to clear the air.

I’m confused, was there no other way of communicating your feelings without the meltdown? Considering the back story, why is this a discussion you are having mid November? Both you and your H need to update your communication game. I grew up with a Christmas martyr and it was a pain, assign people jobs and stop the martyrdom.

I'm not a Christmas martyr, neither of the kids want a guest this time, they've asked for a Christmas where we just stay in pjs and do sod all.

Cooking a roast is easy.

Cleaning up after a messy house guest for a week, whilst also trying to get a break from work, and managing a serious illness, sorry but it dawned on me last night I'm not the unreasonable one.

She won't be alone, she could reach out the olive branch to the other siblings, she can go to her own siblings who often invite her, and she has a huge network of single lady friends she can and does manage to go on hols with a lot.

She's living her best life and I'm here like Cinderella, no more!!

How old is your MIL and where would she go if you didn’t invite her?

Christmas is over a month away - that's plenty of time for her to make alternate arrangements.

I'm with the previous poster who said that people who sit on their arse and contribute nothing, deserve to be uninvited!

I wouldn't get into a situation where dh promises to help more and you end up agreeing - if he hasn't done it so far, then he is unlikely to do it now, regardless of what he agrees to in advance.

You deserve a nice Christmas - she's not even your mum but you are the only one doing any of the work. How the hell has that come about and been allowed to become the norm?

No, this has to stop. You've done the hard bit of telling dh. This is on him really, so don't let him apportion blame to you - both he and his mum have been lazy fuckers who have taken you for granted.

The most I would agree to is that she books a hotel (if one is available now) and comes for dinner. That might be a bit late now though.

Good on you op, bloody good on you!! You've had enough and found your balls!! I bloody love it.

YANBU.
There just isn't enough room at yours for her to stay a week. If she wants to come she can book accommodation. I don't think that is unreasonable at all -DH can choose to pay for that if he wants. It's not fair to turf someone out of their room for a week.

Stand your ground here and be firm. Women are so quickly guilted into taking the responsibility for elderly parents; so much obligation and duty tied into the Christmas season. Are you normally the one doing all the adjusting in relationships? Because this most certainly isn't compromise. Is looking after yourself and your needs a challenge? If your husband really does care as much as he makes out then let him look after her AND YOU so you can take a well earned break. & in answer to your question, no, not everyone 'sucks it up' - even that phrase hopefully gives you some insight into the lack of give and take in the relationship. Or look at it another way - do you want to be dealing with the consequences of chronic stress?

YANBU.

Could you all schlep up to hers for a change?

Or could you suggest to DH that she comes but has a hotel room (paid for by you two) for the week?

Why should they pay for her room when she comes to them, being as they also pay for their room when they visit her?

Your DH's suggested script: "Hi Mum, calling about Xmas this year. The kids are now too old to give up their rooms, your DiL is too poorly to do any hosting and I'm utterly useless, so we need to do it differently from this year. If you don't want to pay for a hotel or Airbnb for up to 3 days (more is just too much for us all) and just come for lunch and a few hours on Xmas day and Boxing day, you might want to get together with those friends you go on holiday with. Anyway, let me know what you decide."

Could you say that as you have no spare bedroom, she's welcome to come for Christmas dinner etc... but has to stay in a nearby hotel? And get dh to pick her up/drop her back to her hotel over Christmas. That would be a compromise and a lot less work for you.

I won't say YABU because you're entitled to spend Christmas how you like. However I don't really get the spending it in your pj's doing nothing. Surely you can just do that any Sunday?

She probably looks forward to it all year and tbh visiting your kids and not lifting a finger doesn't sound that bad to me. I like to look after my Mum when she comes to visit, she did plenty of Christmas dinners herself so why not relax now?

@sollenwir I only suggested that they could pay for the room by way of a compromise.

That way, they’re not being unwelcoming, just acknowledging that they don’t have space for MIL.