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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit annoyed my mum is making this about her

65 replies

EbonyWood · 13/11/2023 20:17

My lovely sister has had a really unfortunate accident and ended up in hospital. Unfortunately it was the result of her doing something really silly. She is in her early 20’s.

Parents are devastated, as am I. I am trying to think of ways to help her, she is not mentally well has turned to drink and drugs which has now put her in the position she’s in now.

she lives with my mum still - which I can imagine is hard for my mum. But since the accident happened, ALL my mum has spoken about is how bad SHE feels, how her mental health is bad, how she’s not sleeping. She’s not on board with getting my sister some help.

she told my sister that she will tell her to leave if this happens again.

AIBU to just a bit disappointed that whenever I ask my mum how my sister is feeling, the answer is always about her? I just think now is not the right time and we need to support my sister and get her to a good place. Am I being mean?!

OP posts:

Coolhwip · 13/11/2023 20:21

I think YABU. I’ve lived with adult siblings who have mental health issues and do stupid stuff.

I have the utmost sympathy for your mum.

Maybe you should move your sister in with you if you think you can provide a better home environment than your mum.

Original poster

EbonyWood · 13/11/2023 20:22

Coolhwip · 13/11/2023 20:21

I think YABU. I’ve lived with adult siblings who have mental health issues and do stupid stuff.

I have the utmost sympathy for your mum.

Maybe you should move your sister in with you if you think you can provide a better home environment than your mum.

I absolutely would but I live abroad so it’s just not doable.

I also have huge amounts of sympathy for my mum of course. But I just can’t help but feel she is not properly supporting my sister when she needs it the most.

OP posts:

Coolhwip · 13/11/2023 20:24

Can you give an idea of what your sister did?

I imagine your mum is at the end of her tether and envisaging a lifetime of this when she should be looking forward to an empty nest.

Sirzy · 13/11/2023 20:24

I think your underestimating the impact things are understandably taking on your mum.

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 13/11/2023 20:25

Maybe your mum needs someone to vent to and express her worries to? As long as your mum is supporting your sister when she speaks to her, what is the problem?

If your sister has been this way for a while then your mum will have been dealing with the brunt of it. People on drugs with a drink problem aren't the best to live with. So perhaps hold the judgement.

gamerchick · 13/11/2023 20:26

I feel sorry for your mother tbh. 'help' for mental health is none existent and she is the one having to deal with your sister. She may just not have the spoons to 'support' your sister in the way you think she should.

If you want to support her then ask her to come and live with you. The stress on your mother is immense. Who's supporting her?

TheProvincialLady · 13/11/2023 20:27

It’s one of two things, or possibly both.

Is your sister struggling with mental health because your mother has always been self centred and made everything about her? Did she (and your dad) not provide basic nurturing and care growing up?

Is your mother worn down by your sister’s poor choices and poor mental health?

TheChosenTwo · 13/11/2023 20:28

I’m sure your mum isn’t sounding off about this in front of your sister.
As the parent of a young adult with mental health struggles it’s fucking exhausting, terrifying and lonely. It’s heartbreaking watching someone you love so much find life so difficult with seemingly very little you can do.
I would never sound off about this to my young adult because they would then feel guilty about something which is out of their control. They don’t need to hear it.
it doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally talk to others about it though. Removing the need for sensitivity I probably sound very bitter about it all. Doesn’t mean I don’t desperately care for and love and want things to change for my struggling child.
Cut your mum some slack.
Ask how you can help.

Original poster

EbonyWood · 13/11/2023 20:30

my sister and I had an awful childhood due to my parents absolutely awful divorce. My mum had awful mental health issues off the back of that and emotionally abused us. We’ve both been in and out of therapy.

I am extremely protective over my sister and maybe that’s why I feel the way I do right now.

OP posts:

LookingForPurpose · 13/11/2023 20:31

Mate, your mum is a diamond and is having to carry on her parenting journey way past what she should have dove BUT it's with an adult that doesn't have or want to listen and can't be grounded. Your mum is absurdly right to say that she should ask her daughter to move out of this happens again.

People are people in their own right. Your mums week is almost empty and yet your sister is being a drunk/drugged up boob and getting into accidents and you are chastising your mum for not trying harder to prioritise her adult child?

I can promise you, as the parent of 2 adult kids that are still in high demand of my care and support , but neglect to take any of my practical help or advice on how to improve their lot in life, it's EXHAUSTING . Kudos to your mum for not just running away and leaving her to it. She needs a big gold clock, not for you to deride her efforts or say that this affects her and her own mental health. It's brutal and totally thankless parenting adults that don't know how to adult

LookingForPurpose · 13/11/2023 20:32

Ok given what you have said about your upbringing that was a bit harsh but if you want to protect your sister, have her go and live with you.

Original poster

EbonyWood · 13/11/2023 20:33

I can’t have my sister to live with me because I live abroad. If I could, I would in a heartbeat to relive the pressure from everyone

OP posts:

Coolhwip · 13/11/2023 20:33

EbonyWood · 13/11/2023 20:30

I am extremely protective over my sister and maybe that’s why I feel the way I do right now.

I’m not sure you are extremely protective, if you’ve gone abroad and left your sister with your mum.

It’s easy to say you’re protective, but it’s your mum with the adult daughter at home doing stupid stuff.

Original poster

EbonyWood · 13/11/2023 20:35

Coolhwip · 13/11/2023 20:33

I’m not sure you are extremely protective, if you’ve gone abroad and left your sister with your mum.

It’s easy to say you’re protective, but it’s your mum with the adult daughter at home doing stupid stuff.

Show quote history

I had no choice - I had to move abroad.

OP posts:

Coolhwip · 13/11/2023 20:35

We always have choices.

Radiodread · 13/11/2023 20:39

Sounds like they are all in crisis and need some in person help.

Is there any chance you or another person equally close could go and support them?

Thing is, no-one here can tell you who is being unreasonable because there isn’t enough info and we don’t have the full background.

Totaly · 13/11/2023 20:39

I think your role here is to support your mother who in tuen can have the strength to support your sister.

To be fair, you could visit and take some pressure off?

Untimely your sister is an adult and can make her own decisions - she must be a really drain on your mother and maybe your sister moving out will help everyone.

And you could have your sister to stay? If not why not?

TomatoSandwiches · 13/11/2023 20:39

All I will say is that it is very easy to sit back in judgement when you can't or won't step up in anyway.
I feel sorry for you all tbh but I think she is probably really struggling with having your sister still at home.

Original poster

EbonyWood · 13/11/2023 20:45

I absolutely do support my mum. I have responsibility for her and my sister since i was 8 years old. I just feel so angry that the reason my sister is so mentally ill is a direct result of how awful our childhood was - and yet every time I ask my mum about how my sister is feeling, she makes it about her.

when I had to leave to move abroad, my sister was in a good place and at uni. However, something happened with my parents and it sent her spiralling as my mum told her everything and forbid her talking to my dad. She ended up dropping out of uni and although I knew her mental health was poor I didn’t think she would do what she did.

maybe Mumsnet was the wrong place to post. I have to leave out details because it’s too outing. My PP was likely right that it’s hard to answer without knowing the full backstory.

OP posts:

Original poster

EbonyWood · 13/11/2023 20:47

Apologies for my typos!

OP posts:

JudgeJ · 13/11/2023 20:50

I absolutely would but I live abroad so it’s just not doable.

It's easy to criticise from a distance, you sound like my late SIL who from her home thousands of miles away thought she could dictate to us about her mother.
I'm a great believer in 'put up or shut up'!

Original poster

EbonyWood · 13/11/2023 20:53

JudgeJ · 13/11/2023 20:50

I absolutely would but I live abroad so it’s just not doable.

But I am not trying to dictate anything. I just care about my family and want my sister to be ok.

Just because I live abroad means I am not allowed to be involved?

OP posts:

nobodysdaughternow · 13/11/2023 20:54

It's possible your sister has inherited your Mum's MH issues through nature rather than nurture.

You need to encourage your sister to move away from your Mum and try to get her in some kind of supported living.

I don't think two people with MH issues can really support each other. And you shouldn't have to either.

Could you get some therapy to help you work through your childhood trauma? You need help too xx

harriethoyle · 13/11/2023 20:55

It's not about being involved. It's about criticising your mum for dealing with something you're not prepared to. Stop - unless you're prepared to actually step up rather than snark from the sidelines.

gamerchick · 13/11/2023 20:56

Well can't she come for a bit of a holiday? You can be fresh support for a bit and your mother can have a breather.

Your mother might be tied down by her own mental health and is reaping what she has sown with her kids. She might not have the capacity to change and be the mother your sister needs. You can't just criticise from a distance though.

You are not responsible for either of them though.

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