To be a bit annoyed my mum is making this about her

[EbonyWood]

My lovely sister has had a really unfortunate accident and ended up in hospital. Unfortunately it was the result of her doing something really silly. She is in her early 20’s.

Parents are devastated, as am I. I am trying to think of ways to help her, she is not mentally well has turned to drink and drugs which has now put her in the position she’s in now.

she lives with my mum still - which I can imagine is hard for my mum. But since the accident happened, ALL my mum has spoken about is how bad SHE feels, how her mental health is bad, how she’s not sleeping. She’s not on board with getting my sister some help.

she told my sister that she will tell her to leave if this happens again.

AIBU to just a bit disappointed that whenever I ask my mum how my sister is feeling, the answer is always about her? I just think now is not the right time and we need to support my sister and get her to a good place. Am I being mean?!

@EbonyWood I hear you. It is very hard when a parent who in large part caused their child’s mental health issues complains about the effect of it all on themselves. I also agree with a PP that it sounds like the whole family is in crisis, and also that it’s not realistic (given her own longstanding mental health issues and abusive behaviour) to imagine your mother would be the right person to help your sister & get her support.

Your mother and sister would both be better off living apart from one another, by the sounds of things.

It is exactly this. I had extremely disordered eating when I was growing up as I was too anxious to eat at home with everything going on. I was dangerously underweight and my mum kicked me out to live with my grandparents as it was ‘too depressing to look at me’.

It made me feel so unloved and I would just hate for my sister to be feeling the same right now.

Quite. The damage a mentally ill sibling does is phenomenal.

So you're parents are worrying about your sister, you're worrying about you're sister.

Who's worrying about your mum? You look after her then.

@Ballsbaill who cares about her mum? Why would she give a shit about her hideous mother? This woman that damaged her daughters, dragging them into her personal grievances with their father, destroying their mental health. And now refusing them the help and support they need after a lifetime of abuse? Is anyone actually reading the OP's posts?

Can your sister come and live with you abroad?

Unless she got sponsored via work (she is not working) or a marriage visa, no. I already looked into it. I live in possibly the hardest place to get a visa which is a real shame as I know it would do the world of good for her to be here.

the positive thing is that I don’t think I will need to be here forever and eventually I will be able to move back or at least closer to her

I understand. We had a shit childhood too. My brother was more affected. When my brother took an overdose in his thirties my mum made it all about her and refused to reflect on anything. She showed zero sympathy.

Toxic parenting is hard to break free from. And those who haven’t experienced it, tend to see all parents as sweet beings to be adored and respected because ‘they might be gone some day’.

All I can say is that your feelings are valid. But do not expect your mum to behave any differently now. She will not change. Just let your sister know that you care.

100% this, so your mum's the one who's put up with your ADULT sister while you're abroad and you're having a go that what she's doing isn't good enough?!

Jesus. People seem to be missing this post.

Had a similar mum. Hope your sister gets the help and support she deserves.

I realise didn’t put enough detail in the OP for people to understand fully. It’s fine. My op probably does come across horribly!

Thank you. I hope so too. I am worried for her, and my mum despite everything. I love them both regardless and want them to be happy

I understand, I also grew up with an abusive mother who made everything about her, tried to destroy our relationship with our father and with each other and passed on her extremely unhealthy relationship with food to us amoungst other things

Your sister needs to get away from her but unfortunately in an abusive relationship of any kind that's easier said than done.

You say she couldn't get a visa to stay with you but is there an option for a long holiday? If you are in a country where you can stay for say 6 months on a tourist visa that alone might help her recovery and help her try to break the cycle

Unfortunately your mother is never going to help your sister sort out her mental health. Because that would put your sister in the spotlight not her, and because deep down she probably knows a therapist may help your sister recognise your mother's abuse.

I get you @EbonyWood . I had a sibling go off the rails and a narc parent who loved to play ‘let’s make it all about meeee’. They would never have actually kicked sibling out because that would drain their main source of attention whilst also having someone they could very obviously blame for all the awfulness in their life. Absolutely zero recognition that they played a huge part in causing siblings life to become a living car crash. Your sister probably has a very toxic codependency relationship with your mum, so the cycle won’t be broken. Unfortunately it’s a very hard circle, being at your lowest ebb, can only rely or stay with the person that causes the biggest triggers, continue spiralling, continue not to be able to move away from it all…

Can your dad give any support OP?

OP, people are being way too harsh on here. I just wanted to say, I hear you and I know where you're coming from.

Dad is trying to help but sister is struggling to leave my mum. He offered her to live with him in a different county which I have highly encouraged as I think that’s what she needs.

my parents don’t speak to eachother so I am having to middle man which is stressful because I get the abuse from my mum (even though it’s aimed at my dad rather than me).

I told my dad to just turn up and collect her when she is physically able to leave. I hope it happens.

Is she going to recover from her accident? Needs a long holiday with you depending on her drugs of choice as in would she be at risk of not being able to source her drugs in your country? What is she addicted to or is she a recreational user?

This. Dealing with an addict is exhausting and soul destroying.

Sounds like they both need to step away from each other.

She’s supporting your sister, she’s looking to you to vent or support her. How old is your mum? She has her mentally ill adult daughter living with her, she must be exhausted

This is my concern. Drugs and partying are rife in my city. You step outside the door and it’s on your face. It’s not like she’d be coming to somewhere relaxing and resting.I know she’s love it here and selfishly I would love it if she was here too but I wouldn’t trust her at all.

YABU. You are not the one person who is actually dealing with your sister’s problems every day. Your mum is, and she’s absolutely exhausted by it. Your mum needs support too. The strain of having to cope with someone like your sister is incredible and if you’re out of the country you’ve got no idea what it’s like.

That is where you are wrong. I practically brought my sister up and cared for my mother when couldn’t get out of bed. I used to have to hide all the medicine around the house as I was so scared she would try and kill herself. She told me many times that if I left her she would kill herself.

I know exactly what it’s like and I would like to think my mother is capable of supporting my sister as I supported her when I was a child.

Growing up my mum was also emotionally abusive, a covert narcissist and gave me my own mental health problems as a result.

Even though you want your mum to care, she either can't or won't and there's not much that you can do to change that.

The same goes for your sister.

Your sister is now an adult, and regardless of who or what caused her mental health issues, she now needs to take ownership and responsibility for her own mental health and well being.

Maybe your mum telling her to leave is what she needs so they can stop living in this toxic codependent fashion.

Ultimately no one can change this for them but themselves and I assume they're not dumb nor blind and they know this, so if they choose not to make choices that will benefit them, that's on them and it's upsetting to see but it is the truth.

You can't choose people's choices for them.

You can only be there for your sister or your mum when they ask for help.

Why are your trying to be a dick to the OP?

I really feel for you. People with normal parents just don’t get it. My mother has damaged us all. I went NC a long time ago but she managed to turn one of my siblings into a self loathing addict.

Your sister needs to get away. It’s the only way for her to restore herself to any normality. you can’t force her to do that. I think the best you can do is keep your own life on track so that you are there to help when she eventually makes the break. You are her sister not her mother and as much as you love & feel responsible for her you cannot replace a functional parent.

I think the problem is expecting ( wanting) your mum to cope with your sister when her own mental health problems mean that that she has never been able to do that, she hasn't even been able to look after herself.
It is absolutely not your responsibility to shoulder her problems, you have spent your childhood and youth doing just that, but you can't solve your mum's problems. I think it would be OK to tell her you can't deal with her off loading on you any more, and that she needs to find someone else to listen to her. You could explain that you have to protect your own mental health.
Contact your sister directly, if she is able to FaceTime you or phone - I hope her injuries don't preclude that.
It is OK for you to prioritise yourself and your sister.