To be a bit annoyed my mum is making this about her

[EbonyWood]

My lovely sister has had a really unfortunate accident and ended up in hospital. Unfortunately it was the result of her doing something really silly. She is in her early 20’s.

Parents are devastated, as am I. I am trying to think of ways to help her, she is not mentally well has turned to drink and drugs which has now put her in the position she’s in now.

she lives with my mum still - which I can imagine is hard for my mum. But since the accident happened, ALL my mum has spoken about is how bad SHE feels, how her mental health is bad, how she’s not sleeping. She’s not on board with getting my sister some help.

she told my sister that she will tell her to leave if this happens again.

AIBU to just a bit disappointed that whenever I ask my mum how my sister is feeling, the answer is always about her? I just think now is not the right time and we need to support my sister and get her to a good place. Am I being mean?!

Maybe your mum just can’t cope. Maybe she doesn’t have what it takes, and possibly never had what it takes. You can’t berate her for that. She can’t fabricate strength out of thin air.

You can berate her for having children, and dragging them into her mess. But, what would be the point?

Sorry you’ve been dealt a shitty hand. Some people having amazing parents. Some don’t. It’s very unfair, who each of us is born to.

Apologies I quoted the above in error. And all your posts didn't load the first time.

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you all.

You live abroad and you cannot fix your family, especially one so damaged.

You need to be very careful about your own fragile mental health.

Living far away means any bad news is even more stressful for you.

Your mother has bad MH so you shouldn't be surprised.

Can you by pass her and speak to the hospital directly?

You have my sympathy, it sounds very distressing.

Get some support for yourself.

Perhaps consider limiting your contact with your mother if she is stressing you.

Have you ever lived with someone with serious mental illness and addiction problems? Because it is hell and ruins your life. If your mum has been supporting your sister for years and now this has happened, then asking your sister to leave and focussing on her own needs is likely well overdue. It is very easy to look from a distance and think this should all be about sister - but serious mental illness tends to make everything about the unwell person, and at a certain point you have to cut them off to save yourself. I say this having seen some of my own family members have their lives destroyed by unwavering and endless ‘support’ for sick and addicted dependants who just can’t or won’t take steps to get better. Very very sad for everyone, but there does come a point when enough is enough.

At least read the ops posts , the thread is only 3 pages long ffs

I had a mother who made everything about her!! I was taking my father to hospital for a cancer op and she was giving me a shopping list because she had flu!!! disgusted!! anyway, I am with you! this is not the time for your mother to throw your sister out the house!! I currently have my grandaughter living with me. she is severely depressed after losing her mum 3.5 years ago at the age of 11!!! I am frantic trying to safeguard her and check up on her. it is hard but your mum should be supporting your sister!! If I can do this at 70 years old then I am sure your mum can do it too. good luck for you and your sis. xx

To those saying that the mum is worn out from supporting her daughter, that she's letting off steam to OP but wouldn't say anything in front of the ill DD, that she's looking at a lifetime of support, did you miss this from the OP:

she told my sister that she will tell her to leave if this happens again.

Far from supporting her daughter in the past, it is the mum's own behaviour that has caused the MH issues. It is the OP who has been supporting both her mum and her sister since she (OP) was eight.
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There's also this from the OP: She’s [ie the mum] not on board with getting my sister some help. I wonder if that's because she knows that if she tried to get help the doctor/therapist would find out about her own behaviour and how that had contributed to/caused the issues.

You and your sister have grown up in an awful toxic environment. You were looking after your mum as a child and developing eating disorders due to your mothers incapability to be a decent parent. Regardless of what has or has not happened in between fast forward to now and of course your mum will not be able to look after your sister as she could not look after herself or her two little girls.

Your sister needs to be living alone away from this person. And you both need to go LC or NC.

As for your father is he in anyway an appropriate person to help? If he was not helping in your childhood it might also be best if he stayed away from your sister too.

And don’t feel guilty for moving away, I also had to just to a different county, as we have to try to protect ourselves from the damage the parents/family have already done to us.

I do hope your sister, with decent therapy and help and living independently , can start dealing with her struggles and start enjoying her life a little.

People who have only ever known the ‘normal’ family set up have no understanding of what it may be like or how it impacts on you for the rest of your life. I’m 50ish now, completely different childhood experiences but still emotionally neglectful, and every single day is a permanent struggle. It is exhausting.

Your mother needs all the support so that she can be strong for your sister.

Your mother is not professionally able to provide the care that your sister needs. She is overwhelmed.
Could you contact a care provider or your sister's doctor and arrange for a third party to organise and plan the recovery period, appointments, counselling and all that is needed for your sister while she resides with your mother?
Perhaps your mother might be able to participate in some way - like driving or cooking meals but she is clearly not qualified to be the main carer.

There is only so long an adult can blame their childhood on their actions

Your sister needs to help her self first, it is not fair on your mum

She can live with you then see how you cope

Wow. if only it was that easy. She is only 20 and now living back home with the emotional abuse because she got dragged down and sucked back in just as she was starting out in life.

My mum also needed to help herself first before putting her problems on us and expecting us to pick up the pieces.

for the 1000th time she can’t live with me as I live abroad and she can’t get a visa. I would have her with us in a heartbeat if it was possible.

I will always be there for both of them. All I want is for them both to be happy. Have some compassion.

Ok your mum isn’t capable and never have been. I wish you closure on that. Can you go over to help your sister move to your dads? Ignore your mum. You do not owe her and you will not get the love or affection you want from her.

No you are not being mean OP.
You keep saying you just want them both to be happy.
But your expectations are just too high given your DM’s inability to recognise and take care of her own mental health problems . She can’t just wave a magic wand and change herself after all these years no matter how much you want her to. Why do you suddenly expect this transformation after all you have suffered at her hands all your life? It’s simply not realistic.

Your DM needs help before she can help anybody else.
Your DSis needs help because of the trauma of living with her mum.
They shouldn’t be living together.
They should be receiving help separately.
Given the state of mental health services in the UK, effective help is unlikely to happen quickly.

You are wise to ask your DF to intervene and take responsibility for his own DD. At least that will relieve the pressure on your mum and on yourself.
I think that’s about the best you can hope for until you return.

In the meantime, if you really do want to help your DM, I suggest all you can do from afar is allow her to offload to you over face-time once a week. And encourage her to seek help from her doctor and other family members of she has any.

Please take care of yourself in the meantime OP. You are carrying an enormous burden with all this.

I think you have some nerve actually. It is very easy to say “I am extremely protective of my sister” isn’t it, but in practice is translates into nothing but complaining about your mother, who really is trying to look after her.

Guess you've not experienced emotional abuse at the hands of a parent, or witnessed the extreme narcissism possible in some.

Really poor form to further abuse the OP.