AIBU to think I can have a future with him when there's very little attraction?

Howthehinchstolexmas · 2023-11-13T19:44:56+00:00

I know I'm probably going to get hate for this but here goes nothing....I have met the most wonderful man. He is kind, attentive, caring, supportive and brilliant at communicating what he wants etc.He plans dates for us, trips away, I love his friends and family and he loves mine. We've been together around 5 months.Everything is PERFECT.... except that I'm not really that attracted to him. Don't get me wrong, there are things about him i find attractive otherwise i wouldn't have considered dating him (shallow perhaps, but the truth) but I dont have that "wow i cant wait to have you' feeling, I usually have a pretty high sex drive in relationships but i could probably count the number of times we've had sex on my hands.Am I being unreasonable to think I could have a happy future with this man?Or is attraction really that important?

Ambernectarine22 · 13/11/2023 20:43

How old are you? I hope you don't mind me asking. I think my answer would be different if you were in your 20s or 30s than if you were in your 50s, for example.

Dotcheck · 13/11/2023 20:45

So you want to use him?
I’m assuming you don’t care for him beyond friendship?

It doesn’t matter how old OP is- a 50 year old would be hurt to be used too.

Pashazade · 13/11/2023 20:46

Well that's all fine and dandy now, but it's unlikely you'll come to fancy him and seems really unfair to him to let him think you do. What happens when your eyes wander and you find someone you are physically attracted to? Seems a recipe for misery really.

Pushmepullyou · 13/11/2023 20:48

Please don’t do it. I wasn’t attracted (enough) to my husband when we got married and my dad’s one bit of advice was you have to really fancy them-marriage is tough at times and it’s the glue that keeps you together.

I didn’t listen because of exactly the reasons in your post. It was a mistake. Now I either have to break up my family with potentially permanent damaging repercussions for my kids or accept that I’m never going to have sex - or a comfortable happy relationship again. It’s a shit choice and I wouldn’t recommend it

mrboombasticwhy · 13/11/2023 20:50

Interesting

Original poster

Howthehinchstolexmas · 13/11/2023 20:52

Im in my early 30s @Ambernectarine22

I'm definitely not using him - i love everything about him @Dotcheck so I'm not sure why you think i don't care for him... this is one aspect of the relationship and like I've said in my original post, everything else is perfect.

Physical attraction has always been the biggest factor in why I date previously (and clearly that's never worked out very well!) - I just wanna know if this is a realistic compromise

OP posts:

QWERTYoutside · 13/11/2023 20:53

Less than 10 x in five mi this suggests he is not struggling to keep his hands off you either.

Dotcheck · 13/11/2023 20:53

If you don’t fancy him then why are you in a romantic relationship with him? If it’s to avoid being alone then of course you’re using him.

Jewelspun · 13/11/2023 20:53

You'll get on and things will be nice for awhile and then one day you'll see or meet someone that you have a strong physical attraction for and that will then eat away at you.

Call it a day with this chap and let him meet someone who finds him the sexiest man on earth as well as all the other good things you describe.

Likewise, you'll be free to meet someone who is the whole package.

ABCXYZ17 · 13/11/2023 20:55

I had this recently and had to end it, I fancied him a bit but honestly not that much. He was kind, great job, thoughtful, planned things etc I thought of just carrying on as on paper he was great but the attraction just wasn’t strong enough. Not fair on him to carry on.

GreenestValley · 13/11/2023 20:58

I’d say the sex not being that great (presumably) is more of a problem than the attraction, though of course they’re linked.

sex diminishes in any long term relationship, and you’re going from a very low baseline so not a stretch to say it could end up non existent reasonably fast.

How do you feel about that?

TheresaCrowd · 13/11/2023 20:58

Physical attraction has always been the biggest factor in why I date previously (and clearly that's never worked out very well!) - I just wanna know if this is a realistic compromise

Nah, if that's the case you'll end up dumping him when someone else wows you off your feet.

crochetmonkey74 · 13/11/2023 20:59

Hmmm I'm torn on this tbh
My best friend always chose men she fancied the pants off, and they always went wrong. She started dating a guy in her late thirties and together, they sort of made a pact , they both wanted marriage and kids so they had almost a self arranged marriage. Fast forward to 23 years later and they are the most devoted couple, their kids are off to uni and they have been successful. For many of the early years she wasn't particularly attracted to him, but this has grown and they fancy each other now. It's kind of impressive the way they brokered their deal and stuck with their commitment

Original poster

Howthehinchstolexmas · 13/11/2023 21:43

I'm a little amazed at how many people think if I see someone I'm attracted to I'll drop everything and have an affair or something lol...
Most of us see an attractive person every day on the street, at work etc., I understand how if you're that way inclined you might jump straight to "well she's obviously going to leave him for someone she finds "rip your clothes off' attractive but I can assure you - that isn't me 😂
Like ive said i love this man and everything else about him.

@crochetmonkey74 wow what a story! That's actually refreshing to hear!

OP posts:

Viewsaremyown · 13/11/2023 21:51

I would tread carefully- my partner is my best friend but I never really fancied him that much and 20 years on with 2 kids, it’s hard to keep things together when you start grating on each other AND you don’t really fancy each other. We had some amazing adventures together but I wish I’d held out for someone I really loved. It’s always felt like something has been missing from our relationship. And honestly I think the feeling is probably mutual.

Winwit · 13/11/2023 21:53

I settled in the way you’re describing. Still breaks my heart that I’ve never had love, but it wasn’t an option that was available to me. It gets more painful as years pass. Given my time again I would probably still settle though, because being alone is harder than being with someone you don’t love.

Londonscallingme · 13/11/2023 21:58

It depends how important sex is to both of you. There’s no right answer. Worth considering that If you’re having so little sex now, it’s only likely to get less frequent. You need to think if you are happy with that and make a judgement about how happy he may / may not be too. Can you discuss it with him?

ClareBlue · 13/11/2023 21:59

Howthehinchstolexmas · 13/11/2023 21:43

I'm a little amazed at how many people think if I see someone I'm attracted to I'll drop everything and have an affair or something lol...
Most of us see an attractive person every day on the street, at work etc., I understand how if you're that way inclined you might jump straight to "well she's obviously going to leave him for someone she finds "rip your clothes off' attractive but I can assure you - that isn't me 😂
Like ive said i love this man and everything else about him.

@crochetmonkey74 wow what a story! That's actually refreshing to hear!

You say it's not you but have you ever been in a sexless relationship. If you are getting plenty of sex then of course you don't go after attractive people you see. But if you have no or limited sex life then you are much much more likely to pursue other people eventually. Not always, but more likely. Especially at your relatively young age.
You admit sex has always been important to you. It will be after a couple of years with thus guy and then you have to make tough decisions.

gannett · 13/11/2023 22:05

crochetmonkey74 · 13/11/2023 20:59

Hmmm I'm torn on this tbh
My best friend always chose men she fancied the pants off, and they always went wrong. She started dating a guy in her late thirties and together, they sort of made a pact , they both wanted marriage and kids so they had almost a self arranged marriage. Fast forward to 23 years later and they are the most devoted couple, their kids are off to uni and they have been successful. For many of the early years she wasn't particularly attracted to him, but this has grown and they fancy each other now. It's kind of impressive the way they brokered their deal and stuck with their commitment

That's a different situation in that both parties were open and honest with each other about how they felt and what they wanted, and went into it knowing where each other stood. It's unusual but I can see how that would work.

Whereas I presume OP hasn't told her new boyfriend she doesn't really fancy him - information that might be relevant to his position.

gannett · 13/11/2023 22:07

Winwit · 13/11/2023 21:53

I settled in the way you’re describing. Still breaks my heart that I’ve never had love, but it wasn’t an option that was available to me. It gets more painful as years pass. Given my time again I would probably still settle though, because being alone is harder than being with someone you don’t love.

I really can't believe being alone is harder than being with someone you don't love. I was very very content being single, and would only have given that up for someone I loved as much as DP - someone who enhances my life on a daily basis. There's no point otherwise.

TotalOverhaul · 13/11/2023 22:11

OP, do you have to fight him off all the time? If not, he's not that interested in sex with you either. Are you just good on paper to him too? Or does he have a low sex drive?

ABCXYZ17 · 14/11/2023 07:09

Winwit · 13/11/2023 21:53

I settled in the way you’re describing. Still breaks my heart that I’ve never had love, but it wasn’t an option that was available to me. It gets more painful as years pass. Given my time again I would probably still settle though, because being alone is harder than being with someone you don’t love.

Don’t be ridiculous, I didn’t settle, I am single and happy! Not saddled living with a man I never loved. For goodness sake, the days of the lonely spinster are long gone. What a sad statement and a sad life you must live. Feel sorry for you that you didn’t have the respect for yourself or him to carve a better life for yourself.

PlatinumPantaloons · 14/11/2023 08:15

I’m in my fifties and have met about a dozen men I consider attractive in real life in my entire life at the absolute most. Fortunately DH is one of the dozen.

Hopefulatlunchtime · 14/11/2023 08:29

OP, unless this man is continually initiating sex and you are refusing him, then he’s just a guy with a very low sex drive. It’s quite likely he’s only having sex at all because he feels he ‘has’ to to keep the relationship going in these early stages.

You are not going to end up like @crochetmonkey74 ’s mate, where presumably both partners had a normal sex drive to start with.

You will end up as one of the women who start posts about how their partner always had a low sex drive but now they don’t have sex at all.

The posts of the slow destruction of the soul from people in Relationships like this, is heart breaking.

Only you can de Ide how important sex is to you, but as someone who describes themself as having a high sex drive, I think you need to think very honestly about whether this is a part of yourself you are able to say goodbye to.

Hopefulatlunchtime · 14/11/2023 08:33

ABCXYZ17 · 14/11/2023 07:09

Don’t be ridiculous, I didn’t settle, I am single and happy! Not saddled living with a man I never loved. For goodness sake, the days of the lonely spinster are long gone. What a sad statement and a sad life you must live. Feel sorry for you that you didn’t have the respect for yourself or him to carve a better life for yourself.

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This is a really unpleasant post. People are different and have different needs. We can’t all be happy with the same things.