AIBU to think I can have a future with him when there's very little attraction?

[Howthehinchstolexmas]

I know I'm probably going to get hate for this but here goes nothing....I have met the most wonderful man. He is kind, attentive, caring, supportive and brilliant at communicating what he wants etc.He plans dates for us, trips away, I love his friends and family and he loves mine. We've been together around 5 months.Everything is PERFECT.... except that I'm not really that attracted to him. Don't get me wrong, there are things about him i find attractive otherwise i wouldn't have considered dating him (shallow perhaps, but the truth) but I dont have that "wow i cant wait to have you' feeling, I usually have a pretty high sex drive in relationships but i could probably count the number of times we've had sex on my hands.Am I being unreasonable to think I could have a happy future with this man?Or is attraction really that important?

If he’s happy with not having much of a sex life and being with a woman who doesn’t find him sexually attractive then fine. But if he is not aware then it’s not very fair on him. Have you discussed that lack of sex with him?

To be perfectly honest I think if you are happy with him and he is all the things you say he is yes I think it can work. Physical attraction and sex doesn't last forever. All the qualities you mention are more important.
I guess really it depends on what is more important to you.

I'd rather be alone that be with a snoring, farting, always in the way man whom I didn't want to shag.

There have been times when DH and I were at odds and might have split- things like bereavement, secondary infertility, some serious health problems- but the fact we still fancied each other really got us through it all, I think.

Why don't you tell him how you feel and let him decide.

But you won't because you're selfish.

OP - my new BF isn't attractive in the usual way but he's the kindest man you could ever meet and can never do enough for me. Go with it.

Looks aren't everything

Yes I think yabu. Don’t settle- you both deserve a relationship where every single box is ticked, not most of them. It’s difficult maintaining a long term relationship when everything is there, never mind when something is missing.

It so much depends on outlook. I have loads of friends who never married or had kids, and only one of them is totally happy. But she says to me, with a beady eye: I don't know any happily married people. I mentioned myself and two of our closest friends and she just hmmed. i think the compromises she sees us make are beyond the pale for her, whereas I am extremely happy to compromise on some things to have a life with DH because I enjoy our day to day affection and banter and respect still, after 28 years.

Don’t do it, been there, doesn’t end well

Been there, done that, and it ended up ending our relationship after a few years. Don't do it. Our society is very sex negative so we have a tendency to downplay this stuff but it matters. A lot.

I think you need to be attracted to him.

In a marriage there will be hard times and, in my experience, the sex gets you through it.

Call it a day with this chap and let him meet someone who finds him the sexiest man on earth as well as all the other good things you describe.

If they've only had sex a handful of times in the first few months of dating, then he must be aware that OP doesn't find him "the sexiest man on earth". But he has chosen to keep the relationship going in spite of this, which suggests that he and OP have similar priorities.

Some people want lots of sex, some don't. And that's fine

I think most people have less sex as they get older. And that's fine

But, when it's mismatched, that's not fine. And I'd be concerned for your sake and his that this could become a bigger issue for you in future

I think it's a really personal decision. I mean, for some people attraction is THE most important thing. I know a few women in disastrous relationships (one being abusive at times to the extent social services are involved) who have chosen their partners due to pure attraction, which has withstood the crap they put up with on a daily basis. Awful relationships but the attraction matters more to them than security, kindness, reliability etc.

And then there are relationships like yours, where people accept that attraction is lacking but what they do get is enough for them.

Are his good qualities enough for you? If you don't know, I'd suggest to give it time and see how you feel. Love and attraction can grow. Plenty of arranged marriages work even if there wasn't an initial attraction. Similarly, some don't.

Of course you aren't using him. You're enjoying the relationship but acknowledging it isn't perfect. No relationship is and many are imbalanced somehow, that's often the nature of partnering up with one person - you can't get everything from one person.

Give yourself time to see how you feel. In the meantime, I'd avoid discussing it with him as it will only make him feel bad.

But I don’t think she does, in the long term, want a relationship like this. Or she might not even be asking herself this question. DH is not the man I’ve been most attracted to but I never questioned whether I am or if our relationship could last because of lack of attraction (there is no lack)

I tend to think that if it were the right relationship, you would fancy him. Sometimes the body just knows.

Hmm ... I think it could work. But maybe that's because I'm the opposite of you, I usually go for the personality.

I know many people who settled and are in a much better place because of it and I know many people who settled and are in a much worse place because of it.

I think if you do pursue the relationship, take your marriage vows seriously.

I understand your predicament and I think those who are accusing you of being shallow are getting the wrong idea. Attraction is important. I think DH of ten years is the sexiest guy in the world (when he scrubs up). He probably isn't, objectively. But to me, he is. (He has an awesome personality too, but it's a package, isn't it...)

I would go with your gut. I was in a similar situation and it ended disastrously. Also, the sex thing sounds like something that needs to be discussed, whatever you decide.

A lot of mixed replies it seems lol..

Firstly I'd like to say that I find he has a lot of attractive traits - his love for his friends and family, how considerate he is, his work ethic, his morals etc., but the physical "I want to rip your clothes off" isn't there for me.

Just for some context - from what he's told me he has never had a high sex drive and finds intimacy in other aspects of a relationship other than sex, which I'm fine with and maybe my high sex drive in the past was just to appease previous partners, because I'm really not bothered about how much we have sex tbh.

I remember thinking after our first date that this is absolutely the man for me, even if I wasn't instantly attracted to him. Wish I could explain that one lol.

On Instagram there's an account called @ meetcutesnyc, basically it's short clips of a guy with a camera going up to couples, asking how they met, how long they've been together, what is the one thing that they like about each other.

He's in London at the moment and he's just bumped into a couple who met on the TV show blind date, 35 years ago.

I think you should take a look at the responses from some of the couples, and also have a conversation with your boyfriend about the future of your relationship. Goodluck.

I had one of these. He was an absolute dream guy on paper, but I just didn't want to jump his bones! I really tried to fancy him because he was a fantastic person and we were very compatible in every other way, but the chemistry just wasn't there for me. I broke up with him (and broke his heart), and a few months later spotted a bloke across a crowded pub and thought he was the best-looking man I'd ever seen in my life! We spent at least the first year in bed, and we are still together 33 years later, and I still fancy the pants off him. I really think it's important to have a strong physical connection, at least at the start of your relationship. Life is long and will throw a few curveballs, I wouldn't want to be partnered with someone who I'm half arsed about, I'd rather be alone. But YMMV.

Actually I can can see where your coming from you wanted.children and that was your main objective
Do you like your partner though?
I also wanted children and I had my children with my dh,we havev had our issues and its not been plain sailing
I.do.love and respect him
But my main priority was having children if I had been in your.position I might have gone for it too
Relationships are not black and white

Personally, I think there does need to be some chemistry. If he doesn’t have a high sex drive, you’ll meet someone whom you do fancy and probably won’t be able to resist.

Or perhaps not if you’re at a point where you’re not too bothered, but I doubt that you’ve reached it in your early 30’s.

Do you love being in his company and really look forward to seeing him when he isn't there? There are different ways to be attracted to someone.

A successful marriage is a long thing. If you find the other person utterly amazing it never feels like a drag or a trap, it just continues to be the best thing that ever happened to you.

I am fairly sure if I could not have that I would rather be single but I am grateful I haven't had to test that theory.