AIBU to think I can have a future with him when there's very little attraction?

[Howthehinchstolexmas]

I know I'm probably going to get hate for this but here goes nothing....I have met the most wonderful man. He is kind, attentive, caring, supportive and brilliant at communicating what he wants etc.He plans dates for us, trips away, I love his friends and family and he loves mine. We've been together around 5 months.Everything is PERFECT.... except that I'm not really that attracted to him. Don't get me wrong, there are things about him i find attractive otherwise i wouldn't have considered dating him (shallow perhaps, but the truth) but I dont have that "wow i cant wait to have you' feeling, I usually have a pretty high sex drive in relationships but i could probably count the number of times we've had sex on my hands.Am I being unreasonable to think I could have a happy future with this man?Or is attraction really that important?

Finding someone attractive and being attracted to them are completely different things imo. I can objectively see that some celebrity is attractive but I am not attracted to them.
My husband isn’t someone who I would have expected to be attracted to, he is not conventionally attractive as such. But when we met, how lovely he was and how he made me feel meant I became attracted to him. So @Howthehinchstolexmas is it both for your man- you don’t find him attractive AND you are not attracted to him? If it’s only the first then I wouldn’t worry at all really… but if it’s the second. Then I’m sorry but it won’t last.

Can you discuss the sex thing? With him I mean, not here if you don’t want to. That would worry me a bit as it sounds like in your efforts to choose the right man and move away from the mistake s you’ve made previously, you’re actually hiding away a side of you or in denial about that side of you… which isn’t healthy. Or realistic to manage to do for long.

This is so desperately sad Winwit, I can assure you life is definitely not harder being alone. I'm alone (albeit with children so not totally) and I've honestly never been happier. Life is not dependent on being with a partner. If you are unhappy leave, set yourself free and go after love.

If you are compatible with aligning values, then I think intimacy is something you can work on and that can grow. It takes work, however, and you have to be active about it; you can’t just expect it to fall into place without effort. I would look up some activities etc to build intimacy and sexual connection.

If you’ve only had sex 10 or fewer times, then it doesn’t sound as though he’s particularly sexually charged either. Or is there another reason for that? Do you not see each other often or have you been turning him down? If he doesn’t seem particularly into sex and doesn’t initiate in a meaningful way then that’s also something that can switch off your potential sexual attraction

I was ,having this conversation with my sister yesterday she split from her husband about five years ago she says,she got swept away with it all.,she wss about 26 when she met he was 30 they both wanted to settle down and have children so they got engaged after a couple of years ,got married ( had a fairy tale wedding )bought a perfect house had two kids
And years down the line realised they had nothing in common
She is in another relationship now ,which she's in for about four years and they seem far more suited and she's seems happy
But as she says she wouldnt have had her boys if she had never met her ex husband
I guess it depends what you want if you like him.and get on with him potentially it could work.

What makes you think love is out there for me? I was a single adult on the market for over two decades and I never found love. If I couldn’t even find someone to love me when I was a young slim single woman, what chance do I have of finding that as a fat middle aged woman with kids?

In the end I settled because I thought kids and no love was better than no kids and no love. And it is.

I had this with my ex H. We didn't have kids so divorce was easy. My parents said the exact same that attraction is a glue and if you don't like waking up to their face every morning in the early years, it will never get better. And i think for a woman to give up on her libido and good sex for a lifetime can take away the sparkle. It took 3 years after divorce to meet my partner and my parents were right, i find him attractive which helps with closeness and how we connect.

Did you run the question of "marriage to someone who's pretending to love me" or "marriage to someone who actually loves me" past your husband?

I don’t pretend to love him. It’s very clear that we aren’t in love. He doesn’t love me either and that’s also very clear. We respect each other and we have a stable life, and we gave each other the opportunity to have children before it was too late.

No, your post is unpleasant, implying that being single is awful and that people who chose not to settle are ‘alone’. Don’t project your feelings onto other people and don’t perpetuate the ridiculous misconception that single people are lonely and alone. Encouraging people to settle when it’s clearly made you unhappy is not good advice.

But then this is a different situation than the OP - she hasn't been open to her partner about the fact that she's not attracted to him. If you have an agreement with your husband then it's a marriage of convenience, not one partner lying to the other.

Also, there are other options - to have kids without a man and be happy single, or to split and raise the children apart. Many women do this happily.

I think you'll eventually be more attracted to someone else 'physically' and this will override your feelings for this bloke (and then you'll have an even bigger dilemma).

If the sexual attraction isn't growing you should probably end it rather than trying to 'make do' with something that's clearly not right.

Can you just go with it and see how it goes? Sounds like it has depth? If you’re not too worried about there not being loads of sex / physical attraction then?

It’s really difficult for anyone else to tell you whether you’ve made the right choice or not. Some will be happy, some won’t.

I fancy my husband a lot but it’s definitely not the most important part of our relationship. As for sex - people talk about its importance a lot, and it is important, but I think it’s also important to remember that in most cases, sex won’t be regular throughout your whole life, as things inevitably impact it - illness and health, pregnancy, new parenthood, hormones, bereavement, busyness, mental health, etc. As a couple my husband and I prioritise it generally, but sometimes, it’s okay for it to take a back seat, if that makes sense.

Your relationship is very young though, so it depends whether you feel you’re in a rut, as that wouldn’t be great so early on.

You are mixing me up with someone else. I never anywhere said being single is awful, nor did I say anyone is alone. If you actually look through my posts on this thread, you will see these are not arguments I have made, and nor would I make them. My advice to the actual OP is not in this vein at all.

What I do argue is that the poster you so viciously responded to is entitled to her own feelings about her own life.

It was you who projected her feelings about her own life, onto your life. No one else did that.

What does it matter if you’re physically attracted to someone else? That person might not be attracted to you. Or he might be unavailable. Or he might not be a reliable partner. He might drink or take drugs, or be a cheater, or violent, or other bad qualities. There’s a world of difference between being physically attracted to someone and him being a viable option as a long term partner.

In my experience it’s very easy to find someone who you fancy but in virtually all cases he isn’t viable as a partner. The really rare thing, the thing you have to hang onto, is a good man who is available and wants to be with you. Even if you don’t fancy him.

Your sex life will die a death, and quite soon too if the past few months are any indication. And that will wear on you. Slowly, but constantly. It will drip-drip-drip erode your happiness, your self-respect, your feelings about yourself and your body, until you are utterly miserable or you crack and fuck someone else.

Is your boyfriend happy to be in the relationship with you in the knowledge you aren't really attracted to him? If not, how dare you claim to love everything about someone you're fundamentally lying to and using?

I think it's a very personal decision @Howthehinchstolexmas

Lots of people end up in sexless marriages or with mismatched sex drives, and that can happen in any long term relationship, no matter how passionate initially.

One thing I would caution is not to make any long term decisions (marriage, children) until at least 3-4 years in, & probably after living with him for some significant time - you need to have all the honeymoon period gone, and know, without the friction-easing aspect of sex and fancying him, whether all those little irritating habits that every other human has, are going to drive you insane and make living together miserable.

But I don't think it's a deal breaker, if sex isn't that important to you (or him). For some people it is, others not so much.

Also, do you have any past relationships where you didn't initially find them attractive in all ways, but some aspect of attraction grew over time, or has it only ever declined over time for you? That might also be important to reflect on.

And think forward through life - mid-30s means you've got a lot of life left - would you be happy forming a relationship with him and presumably never having sex with anyone else ever again? How do you feel when you imagine that?

Lots to reflect on - also you're only 5 months in, so plenty of time to just see how it plays out for a decent while longer yet....

This is something the pair of you really need to discuss, @Howthehinchstolexmas. As you're having sex so infrequently, does this mean he's also not very into you "that way"? Or maybe just not very sexual, or even has some other sexual need that he may or may not be repressing at the moment?

You need an in-depth conversation without trying to minimise the question or trying to salve each other's egos. If you aren't able to have this talk - your relationship isn't quite as good as you've told yourself, is it?

Do you have an intimate relationship in other ways, like you want to be around him, and you are affectionate with each other, and you talk about things? It sounds like you do. I think these are as important, if not more important, than the passion and sexual attraction side of things.

I do fancy DH so not coming from the exact same position as you, but our romantic life has been very up and down - we did long distance for a while, then I had cancer, then a baby. So there have been times where sexual intimacy really isn't what's keeping us together. More importantly, he is my favourite person in the world, I enjoy and want to be around him, and that keeps us going through the downtimes. I guess I don't know if that's enough without the fancying part though.

Why would your answer be different?

I think it's pretty doomed tbh. You don't want sex with him and you're only having sex twice a month in the honeymoon period, and yet you have a high sex drive. You don't mention his needs at all - is he all over you or not bothered about sex with you? Is that because he doesn't find you sexually attractive either or could he be gay, or could he have a fetish of some kind he's hiding from you? Statistically I would imagine the latter two are more likely than he just has a very low sex drive.

Whatever, I think this is a massive elephant in the room that you're both ignoring because everything else is OK. Once you're a year or two in and the cracks are starting to show, this elephant is going to become a woolly mammoth. I think it's essential that you have a very honest talk with him sooner rather than later, and if you think he's hiding anything or being evasive I would walk away.

If you are not attracted to him please consider ending things for both your sakes. I did the same thing - perfect on paper, lovely person, only slightly attracted at first, this dwindled. Ended up with what I call the “flesh creep” when he touched me - not fair on him. I ended things before we booked a wedding as I knew i would hurt him more long term. Now both of us happy with lives we have.

What's not attractive about him? What would normally make someone attractive to you?

The biggest predictor of relationship success is shared values, isn't it? Hence why the "self-arranged" marriage was successful - and why "introduced" marriages (where singles are introduced to one another, usually by their extended families or a matchmaker, but then decide themselves whether to get married or not, so sort of similar to an arranged marriage but with autonomous choice) are the most successful globally.

For me it would depend on whether you are leading this man to believe that your feelings are different than they actually are. If you've let him think you fancy the pants off him then that's duplicitous and unfair. If you're just saying that you are physically attracted to him, but maybe not as much as to some of your previous partners (who you presumably found less attractive in other ways), then maybe that's different.

Good question also how he feels about you!

That question usually has strange answers, though, doesn't it. My "great on paper, but ..." guy held his stance in a certain way that just turned him into a non-sexual being for me. It's trivial and ridiculous, but it was insurmountable. Maybe it's just that the chemistry wasn't there - I've overlooked far more obvious flaws in other men - but chemistry isn't an answer to your question!