Is my step dad BU or is he right?

[Jugglingitall85]

Step dad pulled me aside yesterday to tell me he’s worried about me and that he doesn’t know how I am doing it all atm and that my DP isn’t stepping up to being a dad in the way he needs to. To which I broke down crying because I am reaching my limit. But I’m just unsure whether this is normal or my DP isn’t actually pulling his weight. I’m also questioning whether my parents are being over protective or not.

My DP and I have been together for nearly 3 years and we have a 13 month old. We had a lovely relationship but recently I have started feeling as though things have been off and the plates I am spinning are just stacking up and up. I cry several times a week as I feel so stressed out. I work 3 days a week at a demanding job and DP works 5.

My DP loves our son tremendously, but I often feel as though he puts himself first and the responsibility of being a parent gets him down. Some examples:

• DS recently had some health issues. For the first hosp visit, DP had been to a gig the night before and complained the whole time how tired he was. Meanwhile DS is very poorly and was kept in. I stayed the whole night with him, DP went home to sleep. Came back in the morning still complaining and fell asleep on the sofa in the ward room. I hadn’t slept a wink. :/
• Ive since gone to 80% of the hosp visits with my mum as DP doesn’t want to take the whole day/half day off work. I have to take off work though.
• I make all of DS’s packed lunches and pack the bag when he goes to my mums while we’re at work.
• I do majority of pick up and drop off bar a couple.
• I make all of DS’s dinners and do most of the feeding him.
• I buy all of DS clothes and make sure he has what he needs.
• I arranged nursery including visits and deciding which one. DP wasn’t interested.
• If I want to do something as a family like a day out, DP can often complain that he can’t really be bothered or let me go with friends.
• DP is constantly complaining that he is tired or unwell. This rattles me.
• DP is not well atm so I have done every night waking for two weeks.
• DP has just been away for the weekend and is about to go away for another weekend in a few weeks with friends. We haven’t been out for a meal together in months. I have time with my friends but having time together just feels at the bottom of the list.
• Whenever my DP goes anywhere with DS alone or even with me there, it always feels like a big ordeal or it’s been hard work and there’s a lot of huffing and puffing.
• I ask DP to help around the house, he will cook and clean the dishes and do some washing but won’t stretch to cleaning. That’s my job. He won’t even think about doing any DIY, the garden is a heap.
• Whenever I want to talk about the future or buying a bigger house he doesn’t want to talk in depth and shuts it down.

This all said he is a lovely person, which is why I’m struggling with it so much. Half of me thinks I’m being unreasonable but the other thinks it’s not enough. X

For crying out loud. How is he a "lovely person"? Lovely to who? He can't be bothered with his son or his relationship and basically wants to revert to the single life. Your Step Dad is spot on and if he is offering practical or emotional help, take it.

I fully agree with your stepdad on this one.

To start with, get some help - a cleaner? Someone to do the garden? Any time I want something done I say I'll get a Man who Can. That motivates dp and one way or another it gets done.

He’s not a lovely person. He’s an absolute dick who is failing as a father and a husband.

Can you stay with your parents for a while to get some support? Once you’ve had a chance to rest you’ll be able to decide what happens next.

If he wants you to do all the parenting and all the housework, tell him to do 6 days a week and overtime at work and you stay at home so you can manage all of this. As now it seems you are expected to bring in income AND take care of the household and your child. If he can't contribute in that way, then let him just work and bring in the money. Since that's all he's doing.

Not to put too fine a point on it, he sounds like a complete toilet! What does he do that’s lovely? Going off to gigs and weekends away while you stay home with your child and a mop and bucket doesn’t sound very lovely to me.

If your SF is aware of the above, he has every right to be very upset that you have a child with lazy, selfish, loser.

You are doing and juggling it all.

Well done for confiding in your SF who clearly cares for you a great deal.

You got pregnant quickly and probably didn't know him that well.

You now see him for who he is a whiney man child that is a useless father and partner.

Plenty of energy to go away and go out, but a whinging, complaining toddler when it involves any meaningful engagement.

Stay close to your family and sort out your contraception.

One child with this loser is enough.

Mind yourself and stop doing anything like cooking or laundry that benefits him.

You sound at risk of burnout if you are not careful.

Could you stay with your family for a break to get some rest?

Well I beg to differ. He's not lovely at all. He's not pulling his weight and making you very unhappy.

He needs to shape up or bugger off

for a father, who loves his child tremendously he doesn’t seem to do much for or with him.

can you write a list of the things he does do OP? If you can see it written down then you might have a more concrete idea of whether his contribution is reasonable or not.

I have my own suspicions, but let’s not let that prejudice your list. Let’s have a look at the things he does tdo.

No, your SDF is not unreasonable, he is worried about you, listen to him!

I see a lot of these posts where the OP writes at length describing deplorable behaviour of her partner and the puts at the end "but he's a great dad" or "he is a wonderful person" and "I love him".

I almost feel like it's a defence mechanism to allow that woman to keep surviving because otherwise she would have to admit to herself that this is an awful situation and that her partner is a twat.

your step dad is absolutely right to be worried @Jugglingitall85 your partner is a selfish man child who needs to sort himself out.

This all said he is a lovely person

He so isn't. He's a shiftless fanny.

Your step dad sounds bloody amazing and he's right.

Your not so D P is a waste of space.

I cry several times a week as I feel so stressed out.

No one should be crying several times a week!

On the days that you aren’t working, then yes you would do more parenting and housework but all of the other days and evenings should be 50/50.

He’s just as much of a parent as you are, but you are taking on a way bigger share and it’s not fair.

Step dad needs to say all this to your partner rather than you.

Your SD is right. Your DP is a lazy selfish sod, you'd be better off without him as he'll never change. Sorry.

What makes you describe him as lovely OP? Genuine question- this is someone who is happy to let their partner pick up so much of the load for their shared child that they are reduced to tears multiple times a week. That's not lovely in my book.

Raise your standards

• DP is not well atm so I have done every night waking for two weeks.
• DP has just been away for the weekend and is about to go away for another weekend in a few weeks with friends.

He doesn’t sound that unwell. He sounds like a man who is not valuing being in a relationship. Read you list again and tell us where is the evidence of him being “lovely” and “loving your son tremendously”? Parental love is running up and down the stairs with a leg in a plaster cast all night because your 13 y/o has a stomach bug and cries for daddy every time she throws up. Taking a kid out for a few hours while huffing and puffing doesn’t demonstrate love to me.

Your partner is poorly. Too poorly to look after his child... but he has just been away with friends for the weekend and is about to go again?

That would have me raging. He's probably poorly from hangovers. He needs to cancel his weekend away and look after his child. No socialising if he is too ill to look after his child. Just shows very clearly he can't be bothered to pull his weight and is plain lazy and selfish.

The only person he's being lovely to is himself. Your step dad is a diamond for broaching this with you. He & your mum must be worried about you. You're carrying all load - mental & physical - while DP swans off on weekends away.

Your stepdad is obviously worried about you. With good reason too.

Oh OP... Rread through that list again, would you behave like this, knowing your other half was so stressed out they were crying several times a week? Or would you be doing whatever you could to help them? Your stepdad is right, and what a gem he is for not standing by silently while this goes on.

He sound like a complete twat op.

And if he's so ill he can't make his child food or bother himself to go on a day out, how exactly is he able to bugger off for weekends with friends?

Frankly I'd be telling him not to bother coming back.

Tired my arse.

Oh, and your step dad sounds lovely.