Is my step dad BU or is he right?

[Jugglingitall85]

Step dad pulled me aside yesterday to tell me he’s worried about me and that he doesn’t know how I am doing it all atm and that my DP isn’t stepping up to being a dad in the way he needs to. To which I broke down crying because I am reaching my limit. But I’m just unsure whether this is normal or my DP isn’t actually pulling his weight. I’m also questioning whether my parents are being over protective or not.

My DP and I have been together for nearly 3 years and we have a 13 month old. We had a lovely relationship but recently I have started feeling as though things have been off and the plates I am spinning are just stacking up and up. I cry several times a week as I feel so stressed out. I work 3 days a week at a demanding job and DP works 5.

My DP loves our son tremendously, but I often feel as though he puts himself first and the responsibility of being a parent gets him down. Some examples:

• DS recently had some health issues. For the first hosp visit, DP had been to a gig the night before and complained the whole time how tired he was. Meanwhile DS is very poorly and was kept in. I stayed the whole night with him, DP went home to sleep. Came back in the morning still complaining and fell asleep on the sofa in the ward room. I hadn’t slept a wink. :/
• Ive since gone to 80% of the hosp visits with my mum as DP doesn’t want to take the whole day/half day off work. I have to take off work though.
• I make all of DS’s packed lunches and pack the bag when he goes to my mums while we’re at work.
• I do majority of pick up and drop off bar a couple.
• I make all of DS’s dinners and do most of the feeding him.
• I buy all of DS clothes and make sure he has what he needs.
• I arranged nursery including visits and deciding which one. DP wasn’t interested.
• If I want to do something as a family like a day out, DP can often complain that he can’t really be bothered or let me go with friends.
• DP is constantly complaining that he is tired or unwell. This rattles me.
• DP is not well atm so I have done every night waking for two weeks.
• DP has just been away for the weekend and is about to go away for another weekend in a few weeks with friends. We haven’t been out for a meal together in months. I have time with my friends but having time together just feels at the bottom of the list.
• Whenever my DP goes anywhere with DS alone or even with me there, it always feels like a big ordeal or it’s been hard work and there’s a lot of huffing and puffing.
• I ask DP to help around the house, he will cook and clean the dishes and do some washing but won’t stretch to cleaning. That’s my job. He won’t even think about doing any DIY, the garden is a heap.
• Whenever I want to talk about the future or buying a bigger house he doesn’t want to talk in depth and shuts it down.

This all said he is a lovely person, which is why I’m struggling with it so much. Half of me thinks I’m being unreasonable but the other thinks it’s not enough. X

Your DP seems to be either tired or unwell all the time so you do everything. Yet he still manages to go out a lot and spend time with his friends. He does 'help' around the house a bit if you ask, but won't do any cleaning because that's your job apparently. Really? I'm stuggling to see any of his good points at the moment.

Your step-dad is right, and he at least really cares about you.

he's a lovely person

omg I can't even, I'm sorry I tried but just cannot, I don't know where to start, and scared once I start, I won't be able to stop.

What is lovely about him ? You can say whatever you want you know you can admit he is useless it is no reflection on you.Sorry but he is not interested in you or your son.Face the truth it is hard but please see him for what he is.Stay strong for your little boy as you are doing.Do you have a mortgage together,savings etc ? Listen to your SD he is worried about you.

Bless you, @Jugglingitall85 - your DP is an unmitigated ARSE.

It's quite obvious he wants a mummy rather than to be a parent, and I'm afraid when a man goes down that route it's generally a one-way journey. Heed your step-dad's words. He is not wrong.

Was the baby planned? If not it sounds like he didn’t really want kids. I don’t have any, I know I’d be shite at being a parent. Couldn’t deal with lots of things that would be required. But at least I’m honest about it.

@Jugglingitall85 A lovely person who loves their son tremendously does NOT behave like this:

• DS recently had some health issues. For the first hosp visit, DP had been to a gig the night before and complained the whole time how tired he was. Meanwhile DS is very poorly and was kept in. I stayed the whole night with him, DP went home to sleep. Came back in the morning still complaining and fell asleep on the sofa in the ward room. I hadn’t slept a wink. :/
• Ive since gone to 80% of the hosp visits with my mum as DP doesn’t want to take the whole day/half day off work. I have to take off work though.

Everything else you have written shows a person who doesn't give a rats arse about you, your life together or your son. That is not remotely lovely, he is a nasty, selfish waste of space whose only priority is himself and who loves and cares for only himself.

Your stepfather is correct and seems to have him sussed, listen to him and open your eyes.

Time for him to have a wake up call. You don't need a bigger house, you need him out of it. Your workload would halve.
Is he well paid? Can he meet the cost of a weekly cleaner and a gardener to blitz/then once a month? Because he has a choice in this.
Along with childcare, maintenance and the cost of funding separate living quarters.

You sound at the end of your rope and the proverbial boiled frog. Your step dad is right. Ask him for advice on how to handle this. But acknowledge your DP needs a massive kick and an attitude change

He'll no, he isn't lovely at all. I'd be crying too if this was how I was being treated. Your step-Dad is right, your partner isn't stepping up at all.

Your partner is a selfish cunt and not lovely at all. And let me guess - you aren't married but I bet he's in no way compensating you for the salary hit you're taking by going part-time. How do you work expenses, 50:50?

He's not pulling his weight.

Your parents are not being overprotective.

You should not be crying multiple times a week because of stress - if a lot of this stress is coming from your baby's illness then perhaps crying is less unusual, but your DP should be holding your hand through it.

Oh I’m sorry to say I agree with your step dad, who sounds really lovely by the way.
Time for a sit down conversation with your DP, what you’ve described doesn’t sound fair at all, you’ll make yourself ill and then who will do all of that? x

Your step dad is a lovely person. Your dh isn't. He is a useless person who doesn't care if his partner is run ragged and resents spending time with his own child - even if the child is sick. Not my definition of lovely. I bet he is lovely when he is off on the weekends with his friends though (also bet he never gets sick then)

I couldn't be bothered with him tbh.

Far from being overprotective, I bet your parents discussed this for ages before plucking up the courage to say something to you. Unfortunately you can't make someone be a good dad.

your partner sounds like a right lazy prick! (that is a word I do not normally use!!!!!) he is too tired to help with the child but he perks up in time to go away for weekends with his mates or to see a gig??? someone needs to have a big word in his selfish earholes!!!!

Never grumbling at my DP again after reading this

Also, your partner does not love his son tremendously, no dad who loves his child that much acts like that, especially the hospital examples. He isn't a lovey person because lovey people don't act that way and leave their partner to do everything and leave them to cry numerous times a week. He's a selfish prick

Those two struck me as well.

That, plus the gig/tiredness/hospital thing, just means he cares about himself more than you or DS.

He wants you and DS around. It's nice to have a family and anchor in the world. But he doesn't want to put the hard work in. He 'loves' you, as a nice add-on to his life of having fun and pleasing himself. But he doesn't want the hard work. And children remember the hard work.

I'll tell you a story, toddler DD was a total mummy's girl until we all got norovirus one winter. DH got sick, then I did, then DD. I was too sick to look after her well, DH was recovering but still tired. He did everything for her while I was too sick. Cleaned up puke, cuddled her in the night, washed sheets and sick bowls. By the time DD and I were well, she was a little daddy's girl. She had always loved playing with him, but that winter proved to her he was reliable and there when she needed him. Your stepfather sounds like that kind of man. Your partner isn't.

Your Step Dad is a good man, and you should trust his judgement and ask for his advice as to how you address this situation you are in with a man who is too lazy to parent or be in a relationship.

You have the housewife's burden!
First of all you both work and he needs to do his share of taking time off to care for your child's health needs.
You need to give him jobs to do, don't let him shirk his responsibilities.
Get him to do house admin too
Pay for a babysitter so you can go out - do this every other weekend, or whatever works for you both
Slowly he should start to see
Things he needs to do

The only positive thing about him is that he has a job.

Other than that he's a useless lump taking up space.

I would take note of what your step-dad says. It's not easy making these observations. He cares about you a great deal. I would think carefully about what he's said.

Doing the maths, you were only with this guy for slightly over a year before you fell pregnant.

Listen to your step-dad and PPs - this guy isn't lovely at all, he's a shiftless waste of space and you may well be better off in the long run moving on and living life as a single parent.

I suspect your folks would be delighted and happy to help...

The fact that your step dad has noticed this and felt strongly enough to pull you aside speaks volumes OP. He can see this is not sustainable. Crying several times a week is not normal, and you seem to be doing absolutely everything.

You need a break. You need a solid and frank heart to heart with DP - he needs to cancel his weekend away and concentrate on doing an equal share

he’s a shit father and a shit partner, in fact he just sounds like a complete shit, certainly not lovely.
your step dad is right.
what are you going to do about it?

Sweetie, the way things are going you will become I’ll and that won’t help your DS at all.

Tell DP he gets one chance to step up and be a decent dad and partner. At the moment his priority is himself and that needs to change. His priorities are firstly DS- doing his share of cover and supporting hospital visits, and you- because of you get ill he’ll have to do everything himself. Only then does he have time for fun and friends and fannying about. After he’s made sure you and DS are ok.

@Jugglingitall85 massive squishes and I’m so glad your step dad took the steps and said something.

your partner is not stepping up and being a supportive or loving partner or father.

he’s checked out of any parenting decisions or responsibilities unless absolutely pushed into them and then complains and whines about poor little him… how does he not give you the total ick every time you look at him.

you seem to be caring for two children. But ones an adult.

look at your posit of what you do and tell us how different it would be as a single parent with supportive family and friends around you. No trying to jolly partner up and trying to get him to come out on days out. No resentment about him not doing fuck all unless asked.

your own happy little place.

I mean not attending hospital appointments or showing interest etc?.. how fucking dare he.

he is not lovely. I think you mean there are times he behaves more tolerably. In between fucking off with his mates, avoiding parenting etc.