To attend funeral with baby + complicated family dynamics.

[Winterbeach]

I've name changed as this could be outing.

DH is still fairly close with his ex's family. They're all in regular conversation, came to our wedding and still very fond of DH. DH is cordial with his ex, they had a clean break after she broke up with him a few years ago but she has made herself scarce the last year or so when he's met up with her family. I've never met her but met her family a few times of which they welcomed me in with open arms.

After a very short illness DH former SIL has passed away. It's devastating as she really was a one-in-a-million type of person, DH is devastated. The family has kept DH in the loop the whole illness; he is still like a son to them. He views SIL as the sister he never had; SIL viewed DH the same.

We've just been given the funeral details by ex PIL. It's a couple of hours away and our baby is EBF on top of would it be imposing on ex-gf baring in mind i've never met her before. But on the other hand, DH is devastated and I hate the idea of him having to do the day alone. Obviously ex-gf grief/comfort of the day comes first but what shall we do?

Tricky, I’m sorry.

Does he have a friend who knows the family who could go with him?

Don't go. And don't take a baby, people are polite but it is never something people remember in a good way. He's an adult presumably?

No, you definitely shouldn't take your baby.

I don’t think it’s your place to be at the funeral tbh.

That's one for him to attend alone, sorry.

I don't think you should go OP. He should go on his own.

In a slightly similar situation, ex DH's new partner brought him to the service, waited outside in the car so she could take him home afterwards and neither of them came to the wake

Please don't take your baby to this funeral service

Go. Stay near the back, take baby out of they are awake and making any noise.

Loads of people say any child at a funeral is dreadful. Loads of us think it's absolutely fine and would expect anyone who has children to bring them.

Could you do the drive with him, drop him off, wait somewhere (I’d suggest a nice soft play that does good, nice coffee and toys!) and then drive him home afterwards.

I think it's OK to take a baby to a funeral if you're planning to go outside at the first noise, but I don't think you should go to this one.

He needs to attend alone. It's not appropriate for you. Its her loss, her family, her grief.

I have no problem with a baby at a funeral, but this baby should not be at this funeral.

I think it's OK to take a baby if they are part of the immediate family, when no other relatives are available to care for them

But not in this situation

Normally I'd be very much you should go to the funeral but I wouldn't go to this one if I were in your shoes.

He'll know other people there. He won't be alone. And if he'd split from her and hadn't got with anyone else, he'd be in the same situation of attending without a +1.

As has been suggested, if you can wait in the car I think that would be more appropriate.

Not appropriate for you to go. If he is as close to the family as you say then he has them for support.

Also, you've never met the ex, as she has made herself scarce the last year or so when your DH has met up with her family

So, when this poor woman is grieving for losing her sister, she shouldn't have to think about seeing you or your baby. Nice that DH wants to go, but he should go alone

Travel with him but find somewhere for you and baby to go during the service/wake.

Not against babies at funerals but it's not fair in this case. It might be unpleasant for his ex and that's not ok in this situation. Has he asked you to go?

I think this is one for him to decide. If your motivation in going is that he not be alone all day, then I think he gets to decide whether finding you a comfort would be more important than potentially complicating a good relationship with his ex and her family. If he's close to the family in general still, surely he's not going to be 'alone', anyway?

I think the baby is neither here nor there. If you go, clearly the baby needs to go too, but again, if your motivation is being an unobtrusive support, I think I'd be waiting in the car, there if needed. Which would probably be a fairly miserable day for you and the baby, so I would probably stay at home, and let your DH grieve with his ex's family without having to pussyfoot around the presence of you and your baby...?

He can go alone. You would be completely in the way.

It wouldn't be appropriate for your and your baby to attend the funeral.

Could you drop him off and find somewhere to entertain baby for an hour or two? Then have lunch or dinner together before driving home.

While its lovely that he still has such a positive relationship with his ex ILs, and that they've been so welcoming to you, this isn't the time to be introduced to his ex.

I think you and your baby should sit this one out.

You're being kind and supportive as it is, don't go. He can share in the experience with the extended family. I'd normally say no issue taking baby, just go at back and take them out if noisey but in this case definitely don't take baby. Only because you don't know the family, baby isn't in the family. Just write tge family a nice card from you and the baby, DH can write his own.