To attend funeral with baby + complicated family dynamics.

[Winterbeach]

I've name changed as this could be outing.

DH is still fairly close with his ex's family. They're all in regular conversation, came to our wedding and still very fond of DH. DH is cordial with his ex, they had a clean break after she broke up with him a few years ago but she has made herself scarce the last year or so when he's met up with her family. I've never met her but met her family a few times of which they welcomed me in with open arms.

After a very short illness DH former SIL has passed away. It's devastating as she really was a one-in-a-million type of person, DH is devastated. The family has kept DH in the loop the whole illness; he is still like a son to them. He views SIL as the sister he never had; SIL viewed DH the same.

We've just been given the funeral details by ex PIL. It's a couple of hours away and our baby is EBF on top of would it be imposing on ex-gf baring in mind i've never met her before. But on the other hand, DH is devastated and I hate the idea of him having to do the day alone. Obviously ex-gf grief/comfort of the day comes first but what shall we do?

In this case the issue is not really with the baby attending but you. It is not appropriate for you to attend. Your dh should attend this alone. You and the baby can travel with him and find a coffee shop/soft play/hotel that you can wait for him.

Your Dh should go by himself to pay his respects but not sit near the family.

You've never met his ex. Her sisters funeral is not the time or the place.

She makes herself scarce when he's at family gatherings, so she's clearly not comfortable. He needs to give her space at this particular family gathering. As you say yourself, her grief/comfort comes first.

Either he should go alone or if he wants you nearby, you should stay nearby but I wouldn’t attend. You never met the ex and whilst it sounds like there wouldn’t be issues in normal circumstances, she’s grieving her sister. If he’s close to her family it sounds like he will be supported by them too.

Thank you all.

100% not going. I was toying if I should go to the service to support DH (sitting at the back) leaving baby in the car with a friend. I've not discussed it with DH yet as he's still at work and the details have just came through.

No, I’ve got a pretty relaxed attitude towards funeral politics, but this is absolutely one you should be sitting out. If he goes by himself he will be able to participate in the collective support of everyone being there together, including his ex-gf, to celebrate ex-SIL in a way that I don’t think he would be able to if you were there - I think it would be actively detrimental for you to go.

He should go alone.

He should go without you and baby. He won't be on his own, he'll be with her family

It's nice that you want to support him but it's not appropriate to put his needs before his exes in this instance.

She is the one in need of support. He can support her by going. You can support her by graciously staying at home.

He should go alone, I get invited to my ex's family events but I'd always go alone, they actually do extend invites to my dp as a courtesy but I don't think it's fair. My exh in return doesn't invite his latest gf if I'm going to be there

Something like this would be your best bet

Do NOT go!

He goes, you stay home. He’ll cope.

You are far nicer than me, OP. I would not marry a man who was so enmeshed with his ex's family. I am surprised as well that mine is the first comment that says so. Everyone is saying 'don't intrude' etc. but what about your feelings!? Are you seriously happy with your husband being so close to this family, or are you just putting up with it?

As pp said, this is one for him to go to without you. If he needs support, does he have a friend or sibling who can go with him?

I’d travel with him if he wants you to but you and baby don’t go to funeral.

I don’t see what’s wrong with taking a baby to a funeral - as long as you take it out as soon as it starts crying - if it does.
Dd took a 3 or 4 month EBF baby to our friend’s funeral, absolutely no problem.

Honestly when I first started seeing DH I found it a little strange. But DH was always open with me when he was seeing them/Ex-gf. I figured she dumped him and DH always seemed to be ok with it, they had plenty of time to rekindle if they were ever going to. Now, he's happily married to me and her family welcomed me in with open arms. If anything had be a secret I wouldn't have been happy with it. If anything I always saw it as a good thing, he must have always been good to her for her family to still love him. They're like family and I do see them as extended family of his (hence why they were at our wedding - was funny to explain the relationship to my side).

You’ve totally made the right decision to stay away. It would have been inappropriate for you and your baby to have gone.

Does your partner have a friend, sibling or parent who’d go with him? Someone who’d met the sister, obviously. I am sure he’d be fine on his own though.

That's ridiculous. 'Enmeshed' suggests a negative entrapment. This man just gets on well with his ex's family, and in this scenario, no one is clearly engaging in the kind of magic amnesia that overtakes some people who have known and liked one another for years but it's all abruptly ditched as if it had never been the moment a divorce or relationship break-up happens.

A healthy non-codependent relationship of mutual liking and respect that survives a break-up is a good thing, and suggests people with decent self-esteem, good boundaries and an ability to see beyond immediate hurts.

I don't think that it is 'ridiculous'. I am genuinely happy for the OP that she is happy with the situation, as she has clarified. However, not everyone would be. I would not, and that doesn't make me 'codependent' or anything else!

I am genuinely glad for you, in that case. My advice to you would most likely be to ask what your husband would like you to do, and take it from there. I don't think that the ex should get to veto your presence if she is happy to have her ex there, that would just be strange.

Yes, but presumably someone who was unhappy that their boyfriend had a good relationship with his ex and her family wouldn't continue in that relationship? A friend of mine has been dating a widower with young adult children for a few months now, and she's the first person he's dated since his wife died, very young, a decade ago. He's still extremely close to his wife's family. If my friend had had a problem with that, she'd have just stopped seeing him.

I'm not suggesting you are copdependent, just that using the term 'enmeshed' suggests an unhealthy or overly dependent relationship between someone and an ex or ex-ILs. It's not always like that.

This.

I would let DH go on his own to the funeral and you can enquire if being at the wake is OK - usually only a few drinks or with a meal you may or may not be paying for yourself. THey tend to be a bit more of an informal gathering

This