To attend funeral with baby + complicated family dynamics.

[Winterbeach]

I've name changed as this could be outing.

DH is still fairly close with his ex's family. They're all in regular conversation, came to our wedding and still very fond of DH. DH is cordial with his ex, they had a clean break after she broke up with him a few years ago but she has made herself scarce the last year or so when he's met up with her family. I've never met her but met her family a few times of which they welcomed me in with open arms.

After a very short illness DH former SIL has passed away. It's devastating as she really was a one-in-a-million type of person, DH is devastated. The family has kept DH in the loop the whole illness; he is still like a son to them. He views SIL as the sister he never had; SIL viewed DH the same.

We've just been given the funeral details by ex PIL. It's a couple of hours away and our baby is EBF on top of would it be imposing on ex-gf baring in mind i've never met her before. But on the other hand, DH is devastated and I hate the idea of him having to do the day alone. Obviously ex-gf grief/comfort of the day comes first but what shall we do?

It’s definitely inappropriate for you to go (and of course baby).

I think it’s lovely he’s so close to his ex/ex’s family though.

Some ex’s and families are crap but I think it says a lot about a person who is still close to the family and doesn’t talk shit about them/the ex.

It’s lovely he’s going to pay his respects.
And it’s lovely that you have no issue with it.

It sounds like you and him have a genuine solid relationship which is rare on here!

I think you're right to not go to the funeral, especially as the ex girlfriend keeps her distance when your DH visits her family with you.
Your DH is the one that has the close connection to the family here and as you're EBF, just leave him to go to the funeral/wake.

Agreed. Frankly I find it odd that the DH is 'devastated'.

Of course she gets the final say - her sister has just died suddenly at presumably a relatively young age.

It's a hugely traumatic thing to lose a sibling. Consideration for her feelings is the absolute priority here.

I am amazed you are even happy about this dynamic. No way would I be happy about my husband being all pally pally with his ex and her family.

In which case, the OP's husband should also not go either.

But presumably you would have broken off your relationship at an early stage if this was unacceptable to you? Rather than marrying someone and having a baby with him and then deciding your husband has to cut off longtime relations with his ex's family because you're uncomfortable with it?

You shouldn't go. Sometimes we have to go to funerals alone, this is one of those times. You could of course travel with him and go off and do something else but I can't see that being much fun for you with a small baby.
Be supportive from home and ready to listen when he gets back!

Am I right in thinking that you’re suggesting that you, your husband’s new wife, attend a funeral your husband ex wife is holding for her own sister? And if that weren’t enough, bringing your baby along too?

No. Just - no. I don’t think anyone should have to deal with their ex-husband, their ex-husband’s new wife, and their ex husband’s new baby, whilst trying to mourn their own sister.

Support your DH but none of the three of you should be there. It’s not about any of you.

(And this is before we get into babies at funerals, which I always find totally inappropriate.)

It' should be whatever the family are most comfortable with. Thankfully the OP seems to understand that.

Agree with virtually everyone else.
You stay away.
Obviously the baby isn't taken.
DH can go on his own. People who attend both the service and the gathering afterwards will comfort each other.

You can't go to that

Do not take a baby to a funeral, go and stay in the car or in a cafe near by to support him but don’t turn up with a baby.