Treating adult children different but fairly

[Keepitrealnomists]

What does that actually mean in your experience?
I feel I am treated massively different, my brother is clearly favoured amd always has been, but it's because he needs help apparently. 🙄 38 year old married man with 3DC who can't manage his finances, in a huge amount of debt which is wife doesn't know about which in my mind is financial abuse but it's fine for my divorced parents to give him a second car they pay for, swimming lessons, holidays, food shopping.....
I feel they have created massive divide and I am LC with all 3 of them!
I have a good career, married, 2DC, enough money to pay for everything we need with ittle debt. I just feel massively, well....annoyed and hurt that they give him everything allowing him to facilitate his wreckless behaviour, so AIBU ?

I’d be telling the wife about the debt

I've thought about that so many times, but the other half of me thinks that's she's blind and stupid not to realise!

None of your business

Equity not equality in all things.

Your parents are trying to help him out of a fix. They aren't being unfair to you, if you were in the same mess they would be doing it for you too.

You never know what's around the corner for you

Don't do this, it's none of your bloody business and neither are your parents finances.

Concentrate on what YOU can do to change your own fortunes and you will be a lot happier.

I do understand how that feels unfair, however do you need their help?

I know your brothers behaviour is the problem, but could it be that they can't fix that but they can help with the fallout and their grandchildren?

It very hard to see one of your children and their family struggle, especially grandchildren in the middle of it.

That’s a nice idea in theory but there does come a time when people are just facilitating unwise behaviour. Helping someone get out of debt because a business failed due to matters outside their control, or because they lost their job, or because of ill health is one thing. Facilitating an ongoing pattern of spending more than your means is another. I don’t know which category OP’s brother falls into, but if it’s the second then I can understand her being a bit miffed.

DM has supported DBro financially a lot more that she has supported me. BUT he was laid off from work during the pandemic whereas I wasn’t, and is single so more at risk of dips in income. I don’t need financial support. I know she would support me if, eg I divorced or DH couldn’t work.

Definitely a pattern of overspending, sense of entitlement without working or budgeting for it. I am very happy with my own fortune, what I am not happy with how differently I am treated for making better choices!

The only people you can discuss this with are your parents and your brother.
Have you pointed out that it is not good to facilitate your brother's bad behaviour? Enabling him doesn't help him improve. Have that discussion.

You don't need anything so you are not being hard done by, however.
I would have the conversation to help your brother and to make certain that your parents are not aused.

Then it's just pettiness? I assume your parents can afford to help him out and support their grandchildren?

OR are you one of those awful people who feel that they're watching 'their inheritance' be spent and feels bitter about it?

Honestly this says way more about you than them or him.

Focus on your own life and fortunes and keep your nose out of theirs.

my half sibling is like this I'm past caring tbh it's their life and I think they are miserable not that I wish misery on them. .

My parents paid off my sisters debts when she was a young adult (and she never got into debt again). When I had my child they provided childcare for me. It felt to me like their way of evening things out - not that they needed to in my eyes.

OP what do they need to do to make it fair in your eyes? Give you money you don't need?More of their time?

I've experienced this and apart from going low or no contact there is nothing you can do. Its shit but it is what it is. If one parent enables this there really isn't anything you can do. I'd make peace with it and go completely no contact if that will cause you to feel less resentment. I'd be honest with them about how you feel though and they should be aware that it is their response to his fecklessness that has driven you away.

Presumably they’d help you too, if you needed it?

your parents are probably sick to the back teeth of bailing him out but have got stuck in the cycle of helping him because they love him. it sounds exhausting.

But he needs the help and you don't...

It's like saying I deserved 400£ a month from my parents aged 18 because they helped pay for his uni accommodation. Not my fault he went to uni!

You want them to spend their hard earned money on some leisure for you AND bailing their child out?

I have 2 dd, one definitely needs more support than the other. Not financially but more emotional/practical. The elder one also rarely asks for help because I would help if needed.

I've said to her on the past her reward is being more independent/able to succeed /less reliant on others.

No, I want them to stop bailing him out, let him stand like the grown man he is, help him make better choices and stop taking debt out his wife knows nothing about.

But it’s their choice.

I can see it’s irritating but they are trying to get him out of a hole, not favouring him over you.

They are probably facilitating the debt by endlessly bailing him out, so you could talk to them about how they can actually help him deal with it - but don’t get too involved.

Only tell his wife if you are doing it for her sake, rather than because you want to cut of your brother’s funds. I say this because you don’t know what the consequences may be - it could end in divorce which could be bad for the kids and put him in a worse place financially.

Do you though, or do you just want to get an equal share of handouts from them? - because that’s what your OP indicated

It is their choice.....