Treating adult children different but fairly

[Keepitrealnomists]

What does that actually mean in your experience?
I feel I am treated massively different, my brother is clearly favoured amd always has been, but it's because he needs help apparently. 🙄 38 year old married man with 3DC who can't manage his finances, in a huge amount of debt which is wife doesn't know about which in my mind is financial abuse but it's fine for my divorced parents to give him a second car they pay for, swimming lessons, holidays, food shopping.....
I feel they have created massive divide and I am LC with all 3 of them!
I have a good career, married, 2DC, enough money to pay for everything we need with ittle debt. I just feel massively, well....annoyed and hurt that they give him everything allowing him to facilitate his wreckless behaviour, so AIBU ?

if they stop bailing him out there might be repercussions that they are trying to avoid. so keep doing it. have you spoken to them about it ?

Your parents big mistake is telling you about it, there isn't any need. They are helping their child which they are entitled to do, it is their money after all.

Ignorance is bliss.

Think you’re getting harsh replies here @Keepitrealnomists

im in a similar position.

my parents have provided my brother with a fantastic lifestyle. Long story short he is an arsehole who thinks he is a lot more special than he really is, and flounced out of the only job he ever had. Parents “took him on in the family business”, he’s lazy and rude and bad at it but that doesn’t matter. As part of that he got a lovely house in a very expensive part of the country built for him by then, an expensive car, pay nursery fees for their kids (even tho SIL is anSAHM), food bills, mobiles etc. all provided. And a lot of childcare/ help/ support.

it’s a sore point as I was always such a good, dutiful daughter and he treated them like crap. But now I’m just always second line, as are my kids.

Are you close to your parents?

So you are low contact with your parents because of the support they offer your brother? No other reason?

I’m in a similar position, but it doesn’t bother me. My brother has a completely different relationship with my parents to the one that I have. They give him money in the context of that relationship. Fair enough.

Ask yourself: do you want or need your parents’ money? If your brother wasn’t getting it would you want it anyway?

if the answer is no then why are you upset? Do you expect life to be ‘fair’? Are you still in a childhood dynamic where you’re competing with your brother on some level?

I bet he feels shit about himself and is indebted to your parents emotionally as well. If you care about your brother then you could try to talk to him and help him out of this mess.

Actually if he is accumulating debt which could affect his dw's credit score and future she should know. My exh left me with debt. Wish I had known in advance..

My 2 sister's are a mess and my parents are constantly bailing them out. It doesn't make me feel jealous in anyway whatsoever. I'm happy to be able to stand on my own two feet and not be a burden on them.

I think at this age (all in our thirties) we should be re-paying our parents for everything they did raising us, not still looking for handouts. I would never accept money from them.

You can't change any of this though OP.

Your winding yourself up over something you have ZERO control over.

Look, I'm talking from a similar position here. If I spent all my time getting angry about how my brother leaches off my mum and dad I'd have a very unhappy life.

I've explained to mum how he has plenty enough money of his own at 36 and doesn't need her money for petrol or to pay his child maintenance but she won't have any of it.

He moved home when his relationship broke down and has been there now for 5 years.

They and he are a lost cause. I focus on me and mine.

I understand it’s frustrating that it seems like they are enabling him, but it really isn’t your problem unless your parents complain about it to you. If they do I’d be firm in saying that it’s their choice but you don’t agree with their course of action so you’d prefer not to hear about it.

I understand you just think he should be responsible for his own issues, but how would you feel if your parents cut him off and he went bankrupt and his wife left him? It might be his fault but surely you wouldn’t feel good about that and I imagine your parents would prefer to give help they shouldn’t have to give than watch his life fall apart, even though it would be reasonable for them to refuse to help.

Comparison is the thief of joy. You are a stable independent adult who doesn’t need a handout from mum and dad, which sounds a lot better to me.

I understand how you feel.
I found my DM was supporting all three of my dsis.
My DM had stage 4 cancer, I moved in to look after her with little to no help from dsis.
None of them work, I work full-time, I also can wfh so I was sleeping and working at dms whilst looking after her.
I was the executor when DM passed and her bank statements showed that she was making regular payments to dsis.
These women are all in their 50's.
I wasn't hurt that she was making payments to them and not me, she offered and I declined.
It was the fact that they were taking the money from a woman who was dying but not pulling their weight and supporting her when she needed it.
We were all bought up the same, had the same opportunities but they have made wrong choices.
It still leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.
Funny thing is that they knew it was wrong, when I brought it up they were embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it.
Unfortunately there's nothing you can do, it's your DPS money to do as they wish.
Your DPS probably feel sorry for your db, my DM definitely felt sorry for my dsis.

It's very much the wife's business and she should know.

I didn't say it wasn't the wife's business ...

I think you need to see it as them helping their grandchildren. They benefit from food, swimming lessons and transport.

In my experience, parents always pander to the one that wouldnt piss on them if they were on fire. You cant give it headspace.

If one of my children dared to tell me how I could spend my money I would be furious.

You are also low contact with them so you have no idea about the realities, the other sibling has lots more contact so it is natural they will be more sympathetic to problems etc as they will know more about them

You sound very bitter tbh. Get on with your own life and mind your own business

Similar situation here. Dsis is in a worse financial position than me so I understand the urge to help her (and I have done so in the past) however, she is also making absolutely no attempt to cut back or stay within a budget.
She continues living the life she wants to have and just turns to parents when her money runs out.
She also lets admin type things become absolutely urgent knowing it stresses my dm out so it's done for her.

I find it frustrating because while I don't need the money now, I did in the past but it wasn't available because they were paying for things for her.

OP you can have the conversation with your parents but don't expect things to change too much. Your options realistically are to either accept things the way they are or back right off (as you say you have done)

It's not about inheritance, they don't have much so it's not an expectation. It's not even about the money they continue to give him, that he and his family benefit from. To me It's a feeling of one child being favoured more than the other and allowing it to continue.
This goes far deeper than what I have mentioned, DB has always been favoured, he had his first car bought for him, deposit paid on a rental, moving costs given, so many examples but with me it's been far harder, I've struggled at times and been told to get on with it. When I was a teenager I was involved in a car accident and received a pay out, my mother counted uo everything she had bought me including a car (as did my brother get a car) and wanted over half my pay out. There is alot to unpick. I see my parents as much as I can bear which is not alot and when I do see them it's all about my DB, I saw her yesterday which left me feeling flat which triggered this post.
I have offered my brother financial advice, debt charity help but he's not interested. Having my own children has made me see that I would never favour one over the other.

Genuine question has the one child always required more from you so your second child has learnt/been conditioned not to ask because you have always expected them to be the bigger person?

Harbouring resentment about who gets what and when only hurts and eats away at you. Let it go.

@Sisterpita possibly yes. We suspect the younger has adhd and has always needed a lot of attention/support from being a toddler. (She was in her teens when we realised) Their dad and I split when they were young and elder dd was always more for her dad but unfortunately he's useless so she would ask him for support but inevitably be let down. It has altered abit in adulthood as older dd has got better at asking/showing and younger has become more mature. But teen years were a nightmare.

Is the only reason you are LC because of this issue?

OP, your parents are doing 'differently AND unfairly'.

Differently but fairly means to me some level of 'according to need'. e.g. We will pay medical bills for our DC as needed, but won't try to balance out spending if one has much greater medical needs than the other. Similarly maybe also nursery costs.

it does not mean enabling repeated profligate spending and being in debt.

I get it... I remember being told that my parents couldn't help me when I was struggling to survive on a really low wage while at work placement during my studies. Someone else's parents invited me for lunch every Sunday so I could have a great meal and some company. When I was moving between placements, two other people's parents helped me move and helped me find a place to live.

I sat and howled at the kindness and support shown to me my strangers which my parents were unable to show me. They now say.. oh you were so independent Chateaux, you didn't need us.

They offered very different support to my siblings. There have been times they could and should have supported my sister but choose not to while they have given a huge amount of financial support to my brother. Yet they insist tehy treat us equally. When I point it out.. they say, 'we are sorry you feel that way'.

It's not about the money... it's about how they express their love and what they expect in return.

It's the main issue yes, in my 40s I have come to realise that I am very different to them and don't have much in common. On mothers/fathers day I always see SM posts about how they have amazing parents, I just don't have that which makes me sad. I do have wonderful in laws who treat me like a daughter who I am lucky to have.