Treating adult children different but fairly

[Keepitrealnomists]

What does that actually mean in your experience?
I feel I am treated massively different, my brother is clearly favoured amd always has been, but it's because he needs help apparently. 🙄 38 year old married man with 3DC who can't manage his finances, in a huge amount of debt which is wife doesn't know about which in my mind is financial abuse but it's fine for my divorced parents to give him a second car they pay for, swimming lessons, holidays, food shopping.....
I feel they have created massive divide and I am LC with all 3 of them!
I have a good career, married, 2DC, enough money to pay for everything we need with ittle debt. I just feel massively, well....annoyed and hurt that they give him everything allowing him to facilitate his wreckless behaviour, so AIBU ?

I think it’s quite common OP and I agree it doesn’t feel great to be the one who is constantly overlooked despite having your own life in order. There is always one adult sibling who monopolises parents be it for childcare, money, attention etc. Other siblings have to take a step back to preserve their own sanity and their feelings from being hurt.
From my own experience, parents and grandparents are rubbish at treating children and grandchildren equally. All you can take from the situation is you intend to treat your own better in the future.

So, you don't think they should bail him out and they should allow him to descend into a pit of his own making so that he is, and his family, is properly punished for his bad choices and the world can fully appreciate the full thrust of how shit he is and then, what? What outcome are you imagining....your parents might like you better?

You said you thought she was being financially abused, then you call her blind and stupid? If he is abusing her financially, he may well be abusing her in other ways too. Abuse is complex and she may need help, not victim blaming.

If they’re just paying for things for him which allows him to hide the debt from his wife they’re not helping they’re enabling. My brother and sister in law were in a mess financially, all their own doing, and my parents were clear that any help was a loan that they had to pay back, so I get where OP is coming from. Paying for things all the time isn’t helping him, he needs to be honest and learn how to manage his money better, not just keep getting bailed out by mum and dad.

The op isn't looking to improve the quality of her brother's life through some useful tough love. Fairness seems to be the prevailing theme of the op.

I can understand the comments made by lots of posters here but I understand how you feel OP.
It isn't about money, it isn't about 'is that the only reason you're low contact' as people have suggested. It's about feeling second best to a sibling, and almost feeling punished for having your shit together.
For example, my sibling and I both have a child under 3.
My mother does 3 days per week of childcare for my sibling for free (they are about equivelent to us financially), and invites her, her husband and her son for dinner every Sunday.
My mother does no childcare for my daughter, who came along after my siblings son. My sibling and I both work the same number of days per week, however we pay for my.daughter to go to nursery 3 days per week. We were last invited for a meal at my mums on 6th January.

There are no 'issues' between my mum and I to suggest why she favours my sibling, however I have recently gone low contact because the resentment is getting too much. And before anyone says anything, sometimes raising the issue just gets you nowhere/is brushed off.

i can’t fathom an otherwise loving relationship between parents and an adult child being low contact on the grounds that I felt peeved that my parents offered more support to my sibling - when their grandchildren clearly benefit and would lose out if they did not.

So I suspect that it is one of a number of “main issues”

Bless you OP.

It’s not about the money- they enable your brother which does him no favours. One day the chickens will come home to roost. They’ll run out of money and be no use to him, or need care that he won’t provide.

I’d stay LC, and do not get drawn in to caring.

Have you had therapy? That accident, and their response to your pay out must have been traumatic.

It’s never easy trying to understand why one child gets generous and affectionate treatment while the other is expected to suck it up and thrive on neglect. I suspect if you fawned over your brother things would be easier with your parents.

Best to understand that it’s not about you, it’s about them, and it isn’t something you can fix.

And enjoy your in laws!

I've thought about therapy and I think its something that would definitely benefit me. I will have another look into it.
There has been a fair amount of trauma in my life that I could do with sorting out.

It goes from bad to worse, car repairs worth over 1k, new tele, food, extras for his kids. I get a bottle of wine and a card for my birthdays.

It's difficult. We have two adult children, and while we do try to treat them fairly, one of them needed a lot of support at one stage-she was in a violent relationship and needed a lot of practical and financial help. We made very sure that her sibling understood what was going on and he was very supportive of her sister too. But the fact remained that at one stage in his life he had to take a back seat in a way that can never be made up.

You're the scape goat and he's the golden child. It's a similar dynamic in my family. Brother spent 10 years drinking every penny he had , stealing from others to fund his drinking and raking up debt. My parents bank rolled him through out these 10 years, paying off his debts every time, buying him hundreds of euros worth of clothes and shoes. One Christmas he got 500 euro worth of gear and I got a dressing gown From primark . Also during this 10 years he distroyed their house, broke windows, doors , furniture . I was the dutiful one who was helpful and went above and beyond. Even now when he's sober he does nothing to help. My mother has been diagnosed as terminally ill and I was expected to run around after her but I finally said enough. He can do his bit now while I concentrate on my young child.
So I understand how you feel op but my advice is to leave them to it and get on with your own life.

I try to keep the monetary value in line, but for one that's a contribution to mortgage and wedding, for the other it's a similar amount for a car.

I’m sorry, @Keepitrealnomists

It isn’t going to change. The only thing you can change is how you respond to it- how you feel. If you can acknowledge it’s totally unfair, totally unjustified, and totally not your fault/not about you… you’ll feel a lot better. It’s an active choice you can make.

To me, it means giving them what they need at a given time - whether that's time, emotional support, a nudge in the right direction or some financial or practical help. But always with an eye to how that makes the other child feel.

E.g. DS2 usually gets way more of my headspace as he has additional needs. He flourishes, living unassisted, but that is partly because of the hours and hours and hours of support he was givenwhile transitioning to adulthood, to help him find his feet. DS1 had none of this and at times, I think, resented it.

But recently DS1 moved into an unfurnished, decrepit flat. We spent two weeks deep cleaning, mending, restoring and decorating it, helping him choose furniture from ebay and junk shops, restoring that furniture, giving him some things from home that he loved and buying him some expensive white goods. He was clearly bowled over by all this attention, time and love spent on him. Maybe he is not used to being the focus of our undivided attention. But this was when he needed it, and his brother is happy in his own life right now and needs less support.

One thing I am pretty careful about is not giving more money to one than the other. We've spent a fair bit on DS1 recently. When DS2 eventually finds a place of his own, rather than a rented room in shared place, we'll do the same for him.

The way my parents deal with it is that they've financially supported both me and my brother (him more than me) at different times, according to need, but made a note if it so that it will be corrected for before the inheritance is shared between us (they don't have much savings but do own their house having paid off the mortgage). They've explained this to both of us.

I think that's a good way of approaching it.