To think we can't carry on like this

[mrlistersgelfbride]

I should say in advance this may be triggering to some. I promise I'm not a troll and it isn't a reverse. I've posted on here under different guises over the years.

Tonight my partner (after an afternoon in the pub) said to DD (5) who is our only child "How does it feel to know you'll never have a sibling?"
When I protested ('don't say that') he said "Well your mum (meaning me) killed your only chance of one" I was astounded. DD kept saying "What , what?" and he said aside (to me) "Well what can I tell her when she's older when she asks? That's what I'll tell her, it's the truth".

Context ( I'll keep this as brief as I can):
Together 11 years. DD unexpected. We aren't married. I had post partum psychosis, struggled a lot. Lots of problems, arguements between our families, I got resentful of partner drinking and going out too much and not parenting (which he still does). Found out I was pregnant again when DD was 18-20months. I still had moderate depression (it's lingered for years). Both partner and I agreed on a termination. I went ahead with that.

Partner never got over it. It was 4 years ago and he's brought it up in arguements. He's called me a baby killer (I also had termination at 20 before I met him). He's played ther terminator music when I walk into a room...im not making this up. He's been really horrible. I would have considered another child with him later if we'd been able to sort things out. We've talked and talked, he will never see my side. Counseling didn't work. He spends his time at work, asleep, drinking and arguing with me.

Why have I stayed? Fear, nowhere to go, money, don't want DD missing out. Not all days are bad. We still go on days out and holidays together to try and give DD a good life. DD adores her dad, she tells me often. He's her favourite and she's rather live with him than me. Told me that too.

But there's no coming back from that is there? It's genuinely the worst thing he's ever said to me. Oh apart from the fact he's wished I'd rot in a mental asylum with my post partum psychosis.

He's drinking tonight keeping me awake, Monday morning is looming. He does this most weekends.
I've tried all sorts of tactics with him. He's a classical narc and the more I protest, the more he'll continue to wind me up. I tend to go driving the streets in my car to get away from the loud music , singing and wailing insults which is what I'll do later probably. Not for long, I don't want to leave DD with him at all. She always sleeps through everything.

I've spoken to my family, and whilst they hate him, they don't want to know. They don't take me and DD even for a night. Neither can any friends. When I've opened up to friends they just say kick him out, but he's 18 stone and a bully. It's not that simple.

I know AIBU will give me honesty.
I don't know what to do but I'm determined this will be my last miserable year living like this.

Get out of there. What sort of childhood is this for your daughter? I can promise you, if you don't get out now, your daughter will carry the mental scars for the rest of her life.

Very very cruel

But he has been like this pre-termination, so it can’t all be hurt.

Plus whether he’s grieving or not, he’s psychologically/emotionally/mentally, and possibly physically abusive to @mrlistersgelfbride.

Additionally to the above, he’s also being mentally/emotionally/psychologically abusive to a 5 year old child.

The child is siding with him, saying she loves him and wants to live with him, because it’s appeasement. When my stepmother used to leave my father, I also sided with her as I didn’t want that to be yet another thing she held against me! Although she mainly held it against me that I was alive so…

My father was an abusive (to his wife, my stepmother) alcoholic. She because she couldn’t win in a fight would him, made my life a misery! Beat me with the buckle end of a belt. Punched in the face, giving me black eyes and chipping my teeth. Smacking me on my bare bottom with shoes and slippers. Generally just abusing me. She also blamed me because my father didn’t want children with her as he had me. Eventually a paternal uncle had enough. This was back in the 70’s. He got my dad to take us to his house. My Aunty took me out into the garden and my uncle locked himself in a room with her. I don’t know what was said/done but I stayed with him and my Aunty for a couple of weeks and when I went back to my dad, my stepmother never touched me, whilst my uncle was around. After 3 years, my uncle moved abroad and my life went back to being miserable. I ended up running away at 13. My life was pretty much shit from there on. I met a man who was a drug addict and criminal. I didn’t know this until after he’d got me pregnant. Once pregnant, the abuse started. Financial, physical, emotional, psychological, mental. I basically repeated the pattern of my childhood. Eventually I escaped him. None of my family knew what had happened. I felt so ashamed. I bear the scars of the way I was raised and that relationship even now. It colours my interactions with everyone.

Please @mrlistersgelfbride, take your daughter and get away from this man. Video how is, the way he speaks to your DD. Get nanny cams set up in the rooms so it’s a constant record. But get you and your DD away. Please.

At best, it’s parental alienation, which is child abuse.

At worst, it’s emotional, psychological and mental child abuse.

He is abusing that child. Maybe your whole life has been really good, your relationships with partners have been really good.

As someone who actually was this child, this is abusive and traumatic.

Please get the fuck away from him as soon as you can, by stealth, as remember the most dangerous time is when a woman leaves.

Absolutely this ^^^

She cannot legally lock him out of the house if he is on the deeds.

There have been instances were separated couples have to live in the same house, as they either can’t sell it as no buyers for the price they want, or one partner refuses to sell and it takes time to go to court.

Either way, OP should keep paying her share of the mortgage if she doesn’t want her credit score tanked. That in itself is an expense and she would probably need to get a small one bed flat somewhere until the house can be sold.

Other than abstinence, which other method of contraception is 100%?

Clearly, you know of some, hitherto unknown to mankind, method of contraception that is completely effective! I’ve known of people who have got pregnant after tubal ligation and vasectomy!

He manipulated their daughter to believe OP has deprived her from having a sibling.

No, he has manipulated their daughter to believe OP is a literal murderer.

You don't think it's abusive to manipulate a child into believing such a thing?

Leave him as quickly and safely as you can; call women's aid for support

Firstly leave. Secondly when your dd is a bit older explain to her about body autonomy and choice. Don't let his narrative dictate your relationship with your dd.

I have an arsehole exh who constantly slated me to dds . I ignored and never retaliated. They saw the truth when they were old enough. Now we have an amazing relationship and they barely see their dad. (Adults now so their choice)

I don’t believe for a minute he’s traumatised by the termination. It was agreed between you both and was clearly the right decision at the time. He’s just using it as a stick to beat you with and a means to control you and make you feel guilty. My DV counsellor said to me it’s very easy to control someone when you make them feel guilty. He’s also using it as a proxy means of control by now involving your daughter.

What an absolute LTB. You have to leave, he will poison your daughters thinking as he's affected yours. Some things are unforgivable. Take any advice you are offered on here to enable you to free yourself.

@mrlistersgelfbride what do you feel you need to do? Do you feel unsafe? If this is the case you will need to make a decision to leave him.

I would give up everything I had and go into refuge rather than put up with this for myself or my child. Please call Women's Aid and see what they can offer you OP, anything has to be better than this

I was 😳 when you said he told his own 5 year old her mom's a murderer, then 😱 when you said he plays the terminator music / calls you baby killer when you enter a room. I don’t even know which is worse, but I know he’s The Devil incarnate.

However traumatised he may be, it does not give him the right to torture you or wreak havoc on a 5 year Old’s mind.

OP please- make a plan to get away from him before he completely alienates your daughter with his vitriol.

Forget your useless family and start contacting Women’s Aid / Refuge who can help you out of this situation. 💐

You’re in an abusive relationship and now he is emotionally abusing your child with parental alienation techniques. You should call women’s aid and ask for assistance in finding a refuge or go to the council to discuss housing options if you can’t rely on family in the short term.

This is abuse. You are afraid of him. He is appalling and long term will be emotionally harmful to your daughter.

Have you considered a women's refuge?

You both disluke each other , have different values and are on completely different pages in life.
That alone is enough to break up.
Living with someone with secere mental health issues is extremely difficult and i strongly suspect your DP has his own side of the story.
Find some helpline for advice, oh and sort out some contraception!

I fucking would. Bloody hell.

OP, this man is abusing you and your daughter. I know it’s easier said than done, but you do need to leave.

You need to take control of the narrative with your dd, for her sake if not yours.

Explain to her that another pregnancy would have been dangerous for your life (it would, pp psychosis has a high risk of suicide) and that you could not risk another pg for both your and her sake.

That although it is possible that your health might improve enough one day to have another child, your priority is your existing child and you will never do anything that would threaten leaving her without a parent.

You shouldn't have to talk to her about it but now that he has you have to manage the situation in her head in an age appropriate way.

And find a way to leave him.

Contact women’s Aid for advice. That’s emotional abuse. Document it all. Including what he said to your daughter. He’s disgusting.

I actually cannot believe what I am reading.

This manis evil personified. You never, EVER mention stuff like that in front of a child.
You need to get out, not this time next year, but now. Contact Refuge, Shelter or if anyone else on here has any suggestions - do it. You cannot subject your daughter to this man anymore.

The OP is absolutely describing abuse. The getting drunk and arguing all night, what do you think that is? Domestic violence isn't all kicks and punches and DV in the home is abusive to the child.

Just start with trying to call women's aid when he not around. When you're financially tied to someone it can be very difficult to leave, without looking even looking at the trauma you carry. one step at a time until you're free.