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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD to just walk out of her lesson?

76 replies

Shishh · 12/11/2023 18:08

DD is in high-school.

She is under assessment waiting list for Autism by CAHMS. School is generally very supportive.
She has counselling in school weekly because of past trauma.

Her confidence is very, very low and she has genuine communication issues.

She finds it very hard to use her voice and every parents evening it's the same thing "Lovely girl, smart, does her homework but needs to work on speaking up in class as she's way too quiet and lacks confidence" Some teachers said they have never heard her speak!

DD has been quiet all weekend. I finally got it out of her that she needs to do a presentation in media studies, to another class.

She's been sobbing her heart out.

I said I would ring the teacher tomorrow to talk about it but DD said she's not actually in tomorrow, which makes little sense if it's the day of the presentation??

They have a different teacher on Mondays and could be anyone she said.

I said I would ring the head of year but shes extremely busy and sometimes you can't get hold of her same day.

I told DD that if I can't speak to anyone by the time the lesson starts tomorrow to just go to the office and ask them to ring me.

I understand kids sometimes have to do things they don't want to do. But it's much deeper than tha with DD and I'm worried about it setting her back in general.

AIBU to just tell her to not go to the lesson if I haven't managed to sort anything out before hand? Like her being able to do the presentation 1 on 1 with a teacher or for some of her close friends?

OP posts:
Brilliantlydone · 12/11/2023 18:11

Can you ring the SENCO start of the day.
Advice to go to the office and ask them to ring you is otherwise not bad idea.

BethDuttonsTwin · 12/11/2023 18:13

I'd keep her off. Too much to go wrong. My dd has autism.

MidnightOnceMore · 12/11/2023 18:13

YANBU, she can't do the presentation and it sounds an inappropriate task for her.

Fionaville · 12/11/2023 18:13

Forcing her to do something that is making her this anxious and upset, is definitely not worth it. It could set her back further. I've no advice about how to handle the school situation. I'd probably keep her off (but I home ed, so I'm not the person to advise on that)
I would encourage her to do some drama outside of school. It helped my confidence so much. Its one of the most important subjects imo.

fishfingersandchipsagain · 12/11/2023 18:14

Honestly, I would just keep her off school for the day. There’s too much risk of it setting her back.

Nodancingshoes · 12/11/2023 18:16

I was very quiet at school. At parents evening it was put as a bad thing! One even said I was like a mouse... I did all my work, didn't cause any trouble and passed all my exams with flying colours. Tell me again how this is a bad thing???

Original poster
Shishh · 12/11/2023 18:16

I don't want to keep her off the whole day as we had real school refusal issues last year and we've managed to get back on track.

I didn't think to speak to the SENCO. We mainly deal with the HOY who is absolutely wonderful but hard to get hold of.

The lesson is early in the day so I was just worried I wouldn't be able to sort anything before it started.

So as a last resort just not to go if nobody has approached her with confirmation she doenst have to do it.

OP posts:
DNLove · 12/11/2023 18:16

Send her in with a letter to hand into the office and copy of same to give to teacher.

ExtraOnions · 12/11/2023 18:18

Don’t just walk out of class, if she’s anything like my ASD teen that’s going to lead to a spiral.

SENCO, Head of Year, Pastoral Support, Head Teacher. Ring the office, explain the situation. Alternatively keep her off - however be careful that this then doesn’t become the default position for any issue that comes up.

From what you say, the Pastoral Team is aware if your daughters needs, I’m sure they can sort it out

Original poster
Shishh · 12/11/2023 18:18

DNLove · 12/11/2023 18:16

Send her in with a letter to hand into the office and copy of same to give to teacher.

Ah that's a good idea, as a back up.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 12/11/2023 18:19

Same is said about my DD and it’s only in the last month I’d considered she could be autistic, not just that but other things and now I think omg how could I not have suspected this. Anyway, I wouldn’t send my DD in. She works so hard in school and I wouldn’t think twice about keeping her off to avoid this horrible experience

Original poster
Shishh · 12/11/2023 18:20

ExtraOnions · 12/11/2023 18:18

Don’t just walk out of class, if she’s anything like my ASD teen that’s going to lead to a spiral.

SENCO, Head of Year, Pastoral Support, Head Teacher. Ring the office, explain the situation. Alternatively keep her off - however be careful that this then doesn’t become the default position for any issue that comes up.

From what you say, the Pastoral Team is aware if your daughters needs, I’m sure they can sort it out

I meant don't go to class, rather than walk out. Just go to the office instead of class.

She does this sometimes when she's overwhelmed.

OP posts:
AhBiscuits · 12/11/2023 18:20

Definitely make sure she doesn't have to do it. There's literally no benefit in forcing her to go through that.

I just a had a flashback to English lessons at school. We used to take it turns reading pages of the class book out loud. There was a boy in class with a really bad stammer and he lived in a permanent state of terror at being asked to read. The teacher would pick him often he'd be sat with tears streaming down his face trying to get the words out. It always felt cruel and unnecessary.

cansu · 12/11/2023 18:20

Walking out of the lesson would be ridiculous, dramatic and would likely cause her more distress. Write an email and also give her a written note to give to the teacher in case the email isn't picked up in time. The note should say something like: 'Please excuse dd from the presentation task today as she hasn't been able to prepare. She is undergoing assessment for her SEND and speaking in front of others is something she finds very difficult. She is struggling with the task and it is also causing her stress/ anxiety at home. I would like to discuss possible ways she can do the work at a different time or in a different way. Please could you get in touch with me to organise this. Kind Regards ...

endometriosis · 12/11/2023 18:21

Keep her off. Take away the stress completely x

Alighttouchonthetiller · 12/11/2023 18:21

cansu · 12/11/2023 18:20

Walking out of the lesson would be ridiculous, dramatic and would likely cause her more distress. Write an email and also give her a written note to give to the teacher in case the email isn't picked up in time. The note should say something like: 'Please excuse dd from the presentation task today as she hasn't been able to prepare. She is undergoing assessment for her SEND and speaking in front of others is something she finds very difficult. She is struggling with the task and it is also causing her stress/ anxiety at home. I would like to discuss possible ways she can do the work at a different time or in a different way. Please could you get in touch with me to organise this. Kind Regards ...

This.

Quitelikeacatslife · 12/11/2023 18:25

Do a letter and get dd to hand in her presentation with a transcript (what she would have said) with the letter from you. If you email now they should pick it up before school as well

Original poster
Shishh · 12/11/2023 18:31

There's absolutely nothing dramatic about her.

She often leaves lessons part way through if she gets overwhelmed or is feeling unwell. There's an understanding that she needs to do so and there's never been any 'drama' with it. It's done quietly and without disruption.

OP posts:
Happyhappyeveryday · 12/11/2023 18:33

Allow her to go in after the lesson with a note, saying she felt unwell. Ensure she does attend, however. Make sure to speak to ALNCo and/or achievement leader tomorrow.

PortalooSunset · 12/11/2023 18:34

Shishh · 12/11/2023 18:20

I meant don't go to class, rather than walk out. Just go to the office instead of class.

She does this sometimes when she's overwhelmed.

Show quote history

If she's got a plan in place to deal with the overwhelm then she should follow that. Because she'll very likely be overwhelmed!

If it's not for GCSE or whatnot then I wouldn't put her through it.

romdowa · 12/11/2023 18:34

If its an early class , can she not just go in after?

BecauseTheWorld · 12/11/2023 18:37

My DS has high functioning autism, school struggle to get their head around him not speaking up if he’s struggling, he will present as “fine” and then come home and have a melt down.

I haven’t leant yet how to walk the line of “please excuse my child from X perfectly normal activity because he can’t cope” and “pushing DS to do things NT children might struggle with”.

So no advise but plenty of sympathy.

Igglepiggleandhisboat · 12/11/2023 18:37

I’m a teacher and was very much like your DD at school. I once had to perform a dance in front of lots of people and I remember the terror of needing to do it and crying every day on the lead up. In the end my mum kept me off and said I was ill. I can’t tell you the relief it gave me. FWIW I have now been able to create a fantastic mask and appear to everyone when I teach that I’m confident. Not at all the case and outside of teaching I’m still the quiet girl who never talks to anyone. Yes children need to do some things they don’t want to but not at the detriment of their well-being like this!

theresapossuminthekitchen · 12/11/2023 18:40

As a teacher, I think your advice and your general approach is a good one. You’re not saying she shouldn’t do it at all, so she isn’t getting a message that she can totally avoid what she finds hard but she is supported in doing it in a way that she can manage at this stage. If you can’t get hold of anyone in advance then going to the office or equivalent space sounds like a reasonable plan (definitely don’t go to the class and then walk out, than would be more likely to need up in conflict and stress). Also, definitely don’t keep her off school altogether - it can be very difficult to go back the next day knowing that you’ve missed lessons (and people might ask you about it and so on…) It can end up as emotionally-based school-avoidance, and can be very difficult to break. As the school are generally supportive, I‘m sure it can all be sorted out. Best of luck for you and her. It’s hard to see your children struggling and the current wait times for CAMHS is, frankly, criminal.

Nothankyou22 · 12/11/2023 18:44

Does she have somewhere to go, my son has autism and the same issues.
he has a traffic light system on card attached to a key ring, which he uses to show the teacher, red means he can leave the lesson immediately and go to the sensory quiet area which is manned by an TA.
It means he doesn’t have to explain why he’s feeling a way but that he needs to leave no questions asked, yellow is struggling and take 5 mins and come back and green is happy

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