To want to play with my kids on Christmas Day?

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Long story short, I’m working through some issues from my childhood and how my parents still treat me now. My mother is a narcissist and incredibly explosive. She can be lovely to be around but the little digs become bigger and then she will just explode on one of us (nearly always myself or my dad). She’s made it very clear over the years nothing I will ever do or achieve or be will ever be good enough. My sibling is of course golden and can do no wrong, and gets showered with massive 5 figure gifts. I’m in therapy and attempting to start unwinding it.

Up until now we’ve tried to for every other year with them at Christmas as per her expectations. But the last two have ended up with me being in floods of tears because she exploded on me about something stupid/accused me of stuff I hadn’t done.

We didn’t go last year, and we said months ago that we’d go this year. Golden sibling is due to be out of the country. It’s not a distance we can drive there and back in a day. Plus they have a massive house and gardens and at home my kids are crammed into one tiny room - they love going to grandmas.

Anyway, the pressure has started - mother likes the full on fancy Christmas dinner with every side ever imaginable. Full on make Nigella jealous. She does a fantastic job at it, food is exquisite and very expensive, but of course it requires at least two adults in the kitchen from 8am to 2pm - golden child usually does the main part these days and the rest of us dip in and out. However this is what caused the tow last time - I spent an hour playing with my kids with their new toys during this time. Mother has made it clear I should do the turkey etc this year - in reality I can tell you every time I’ve cooked for them in their house she’s constantly hovered and interfered and changed recipes whilst I’m working on them, and it’s been a disaster every time and the food has been ruined.

The thought of all that is stressing me out. I’d rather do a simple meal and spend quality time with my kids building Lego whilst they are still at this age. I can do fancy dinners when they are older and would rather be on computers/phones. But I won’t be allowed to do that if we visit parents. I’ll have to be good servant daughter doing everything that my mother wants doing regardless of if anybody actually wants 3 different types of braised cabbage.

AIBU to prioritise quality time? The only kicker is if we stay home we won’t have anyone to see on Christmas Day, which feels pretty crap. I love seeing relatives.

YANBU - stay home and play with Lego
YABU - go & cook the elaborate dinner

Just find a form of words to send in a card 'we have decided that we want to stay at home for Christmas Day'. She is going to be angry - but you describe the relationship in very poor terms so what is the loss if she is annoyed with you?

Please don't sacrifice a Christmas at home with your dc to appease an abusive adult..

At the moment everything outwardly appears ok. I’ve been bowing to her demands for the last few years. She flips out etc, but we haven’t had a massive fall out.

Yes this will just be an annoyance if we drop out. I’m trying to avoid a massive fallout at the moment whilst I try to work out how to manage the relationship healthily.

Stay home and enjoy time with your kids!
We stopped going to see relatives on Christmas day & Booking day when DD was 4. She stood there, looking at all her new toys and couldn't decide which one to take to nannies.... 😢

Since then, Christmas day has been a semi low key day focused on our little family unit! (We both work FT, DC at school and time consuming hobbies) we traditionally see my family day after boxing day... MIL does alternate Christmas with us and SIL so we still have a small traditional Christmas dinner.

I’m trying to avoid a massive fallout at the moment whilst I try to work out how to manage the relationship healthily. This is how abusive relationships work - the reasonable person takes on the responsibility of avoiding the fallout. In reality if your adult parents get angry about this, that is their issue. They can express their disappointment in a reasonable way, or they can express their disappointment in an unreasonable way - that is on them.

Sounds as though you need to put a stake in the ground and say you're staying at home and having your own family Christmas. Tbh she'll kick off in some way whether you go or not.

Can you discuss how to do this with your therapist?

I would go one last time but when she inevitably explodes/gets critical use this as the chance to set your boundary. State that you are leaving and you will be reluctant to spend Xmas in the future unless she can commit to stopping this behaviour.

So, go this year, but keep boundaries in place. I know my counsellor would say, keep it calm until you get stronger.

Better than an explosive fight. Cook, but don't rise to the digs at you. You won't win. She's basically after a reaction, any reaction, so don't give her one.

Drive home as soon as you can (Boxing Day?) and plan a quiet day doing nice stuff with your dcs after that.

Then, in future, don't commit to go for Christmas. Just say, dcs are older now and I'd rather spend the day at hone, rather than lugging presents up the motorway.

That's what I would do, anyway.

If you want to avoid an argument and stay at home, it sure would be a shame if 3 days before you spent time next to someone who had covid and did a test which came back positive. Good news is you're asymptomatic and fine but oh dear someone you were with had it very bad. So it's rife and you'd be heartbroken to spread it. But we'll make it up and grin and bear a random day in January which isn't as special..... what a shame if this happened.

A white lie where nobody is actually showing ill either so the kids can't accidently let the secret slip.

A shame you'd have to do this with your parents but it might work

Out of interest - what would your kids rather do?

A white lie won’t work because she will get the truth out from the kids somehow. Either I’d have to lie to my kids and say we are going then disappoint them, or I’d tell the kids we aren’t going and when she inevitably says to them “we can’t wait to have you Christmas dsy” - she had form for telling the kids they’ll be going to see them when I’ve not made a decision yet. She goes out of her way to drop it in.

They want to go to grandmas - they get a massive room each to themselves there, and more people = more presents.

How about suggesting you go to a local nice place for lunch? So no one has to cook? Then some of the drama should at least be avoided?
Would you be able to sell it as saving her the effort of shopping and wanting to be able to spend quality time together on Xmas day, rather than you both cooking?

How about option 3 - you go there and your DH takes care of the dinner? Your mother will have to behave with him. Just tell her it's his turn as you did last year's.

Probably not going to be a popular opinion here, to be clear your mum sounds like an abusive cow and I wouldn’t go. BUT if I did go… you no exactly what her expectations are, you are the guests and she wants the big Christmas dinner which her and your kids love, you can play with the kids after Christmas dinner, all evening, the next day etc, and the kids can play with their dad and grandad while your cooking Christmas dinner. They aren’t going to be damaged by you cooking Christmas dinner on Christmas Day, so I’d just do it. Next year and last year you can take the simpler route and play all day. I’m not saying it’s right, and personally I’d just not go, but if your gona go I’d not bother doing exactly what will trigger the row and make me cry, I’d do my expected part through gritted teeth and play with the kids after.

If she’d go out for Christmas dinner or accept you playing for an hour without kicking off then that’d be great, but from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound realistic.

If she’d accept this though, I’d do this!

But you're not learn how to manage the relationship; you're taking the oath of least resistance, which is what you e always done. So nothing will change.

How about going but 'unfortunately ' sprain your wrist the day before so that you DH helps her out I'm the kitchen and you helpfully stay out of the way.

Tell her you are now vegetarian /lactose intolerant so easier to stay home! If your dc are swayed by gifts maybe work on the some dc don't get any gifts and being grateful for what you have is as important as santa coming message...

Or lay down your rules for coming, ie simple food, food prep night before, help for a set time on Christmas Day but you are going to be playing with your children during the day as that is important to you.
If she won't accept, you don't go and you do your best to stop her contacting DC to try and change the story!

If your kids want to to, and you are sure that they do, to be honest I’d suck it up and go. This won’t be a popular view I suspect, but it is truthfully what I would do.

Do you have a partner who can take turns in helping in the kitchen? Can you play with your children after lunch? Can you come back early the next day and carve out some family time then?

Is there any prospect at all of having a discussion with your mum before and set a few boundaries? Even if it is just that you won’t start helping out till a certain time?

I should add that you would not be unreasonable not to go. Absolutely not. I usher not voted. Your mother sounds emotionally abusive. But on the basis of least bad scenario and taking into account that you are in contact, your children want to go, and it does sound as though come the day you might have regrets if you don’t, then my honest view is I’d do it.

I would absolutely go. Tell your DM that you’re bringing sides/pudding/whatever helps and that you’ll prepare them in advance so you can play with your kids when you’re there.
Any emergency in the kitchen can be fielded by your DH!

Life is way too short and precious to faff about making others happy who don’t care about your feelings. Imagine it’s your last ever Christmas, think how you’d want to spend it and do that.

Could you just go for Boxing Day and the 27th? Avoid the big meal.

If she’s going to explode at you, let it be on your own terms.

Would you consider getting in touch and saying that you are going to play with the dc, won’t be helping with the cooking but you are very happy to bring some dishes to contribute to the meal.