To want to play with my kids on Christmas Day?

[RandomButtons]

Long story short, I’m working through some issues from my childhood and how my parents still treat me now. My mother is a narcissist and incredibly explosive. She can be lovely to be around but the little digs become bigger and then she will just explode on one of us (nearly always myself or my dad). She’s made it very clear over the years nothing I will ever do or achieve or be will ever be good enough. My sibling is of course golden and can do no wrong, and gets showered with massive 5 figure gifts. I’m in therapy and attempting to start unwinding it.

Up until now we’ve tried to for every other year with them at Christmas as per her expectations. But the last two have ended up with me being in floods of tears because she exploded on me about something stupid/accused me of stuff I hadn’t done.

We didn’t go last year, and we said months ago that we’d go this year. Golden sibling is due to be out of the country. It’s not a distance we can drive there and back in a day. Plus they have a massive house and gardens and at home my kids are crammed into one tiny room - they love going to grandmas.

Anyway, the pressure has started - mother likes the full on fancy Christmas dinner with every side ever imaginable. Full on make Nigella jealous. She does a fantastic job at it, food is exquisite and very expensive, but of course it requires at least two adults in the kitchen from 8am to 2pm - golden child usually does the main part these days and the rest of us dip in and out. However this is what caused the tow last time - I spent an hour playing with my kids with their new toys during this time. Mother has made it clear I should do the turkey etc this year - in reality I can tell you every time I’ve cooked for them in their house she’s constantly hovered and interfered and changed recipes whilst I’m working on them, and it’s been a disaster every time and the food has been ruined.

The thought of all that is stressing me out. I’d rather do a simple meal and spend quality time with my kids building Lego whilst they are still at this age. I can do fancy dinners when they are older and would rather be on computers/phones. But I won’t be allowed to do that if we visit parents. I’ll have to be good servant daughter doing everything that my mother wants doing regardless of if anybody actually wants 3 different types of braised cabbage.

AIBU to prioritise quality time? The only kicker is if we stay home we won’t have anyone to see on Christmas Day, which feels pretty crap. I love seeing relatives.

YANBU - stay home and play with Lego
YABU - go & cook the elaborate dinner

If you don't want to go and it's mak8ng you ill, don't go.

Let DH call in sick for you and get busy with the lego. Can't expose oldies to bugs, can you?

When DC are older they will recognise the digs and have your back.

Feel suspicious about golden child's timely disappearance.

@Nonplusultra

This.

Go on your own terms. We would love to come but I can't compete with your turkey, I'll bring something I can make in the advance but I'm not cooking there.see what she says..

They want to go to grandmas - they get a massive room each to themselves there, and more people = more presents.

Why would you want your kids around this type of adult, just so they can get their own room and more stuff?

My mother was VERY similar to how you describe yours and the minute I had kids I started to realise that they will grow up and be treated the same by her so we cut contact. I would never allow my kids the upbringing i had if it was avoidable, and it was.

Please don't think that because she showers them with gifts or attention now, that she will treat them any differently to how she treats you as they grow up. At the moment it's all fake bullshit for the purposes of Facebook or her friends at bingo. With people like this it's all about how things appear to others from the outside looking in, but often the people on the inside (yourself) describe a very different type of person. Don't allow your kids to get used to this type of "love".

Stay home and play Lego with your children.

Stay home. Don't let it get to the point where she explodes on one of the kids. Because that's a real possibility. Why do you even have a relationship with someone who reduces you to tears, on Christmas Day, while your kids are there? What an awful person.

I'd just be taking some sides I'd made in advance and could be put in the oven. Then playing with my kids!

@RandomButtons so she expects you to go to her house so that you can cook her christmas dinner???? dont go, your priorities are your children. stay at home and throw a chicken in the oven and play with your kids to your hearts content!

Yes this will just be an annoyance if we drop out. I’m trying to avoid a massive fallout at the moment whilst I try to work out how to manage the relationship healthily.

Why is it up to you to make this happen? To tie yourself in knots, asking random strangers on the internet how to best appease your mother? Do you imagine that your mother is giving even a moment of thought or an ounce of energy to try and work out how to ‘manage the relationship’ in a better way? So why are you?

You can’t ‘manage this relationship healthily’: to do that, the other person in the relationship needs to be working with you. All you can do is learn how to respond to it in a different way: one that is healthier for you.

Where are your father and DH in this? My DH would never agree to spending Christmas with someone that makes me cry! And I’m guessing your father is a lifelong enabler, so that he has a quiet life?

Assertive boundaries are needed, for example 'I will not be shouted at, if you continue to shout at me this is the end of the conversation/we will be leaving' mean it, stand your ground calmly, draw your lines and follow through.

This is what I’d do. Make it clear that you will help but not before lunch until serving up. You will be building Lego etc. Then crack on with the dishes afterwards. Brush off any comments - ‘well, as I said in November, I’m not sacrificing precious fun time with DC for an elaborate dinner, but I’ll pull my weight with the dishes.’ Keep smiling and if she explodes, leave the room. In fact, one of you needs to be able to drive in case it gets bad and you need to leave.

Your DC want to go.... I'd go. But have a chat with your mum first. Take her out for a coffee and make it really clear that while you are happy to help with the dinner, you think it's important to spend time with your children so you don't want to be in the kitchen all morning.

Some options:
A) I'm going to bring with me xyz prepared in advance
B) I'll do the following times, but DH will do anything that needs doing outside that time

She cannot make you cook. She can sulk. Theoretically she could uninvite you. But if you can't be an adult and talk to her, then you have a good reason not to see her and the DC will have to miss it. But what's the harm in TRYING to make it work?

They want to go to grandmas - they get a massive room each to themselves there, and more people = more presents.

That's hardly a reason to go!

Agreed. You’re teaching your children that material comfort / wealth trumps healthy relationships and respect every time. So your kids get more presents and the fun of their own rooms? And the price they pay is that they see is granny shouting at their mum until she cries? Not a great lesson for them.

She does a fantastic job at it, food is exquisite and very expensive but she isn't doing a fantastic job of it if it requires 2x people giving six hours of preparation on the day itself. In fact it sounds spectacularly unorganised.
Suggest she buys 'Rogan at home' Christmas dinner kit or similar. This is from a 3 Michelin star chef and just requires bunging in the oven.

It probably is a lot for your mum to cook a big meal without help in the kitchen. We are only hearing your side of things. Maybe she is resentful that she is slaving over a hot stove while you are sitting on the floor playing Lego. You can either give your kids the Christmas they want and suck it up and lend a hand or stay home and do what pleases you.

It totally is a crazy amount of work, and far too much for one person- but she’s the one who wants all the masses of side dishes, every vegetable possible done in fancy and elaborate ways. 3 different meats available. 4 dessert options. Etc.

When we do Christmas at ours it’s turkey, spuds, roasties, parsnips gravy and carrots. Buy a Xmas pudding and blast in The microwave. It doesn’t need to take over 8 hours of the day. Bake in the over rolls with leftovers for dinner. Where’s the fun in that?

It's difficult isn't it OP - you have my sympathy.

Would they accept you visiting between Christmas and New Year? Less stress of the big dinner but the kids still get to see them?

I love my mum to bits but she's difficult - we also have the golden child V disappointment dynamic - she can be hypercritical of me and does the subtle digs - I have cut back contact in the past few years due to her starting it with my oldest girl (21) - and a very stressful visit last year when I just packed the car up and left.

We see her around the 27th for a day visit (4 hr round trip) I do Christmas with my kids and no stress.

That is a bloody awful reason to go. Your kids need to learn that other things like respect and good mental heath or more important.

Just tell your kids you won't be going to Grandma's because she's a nasty vicious cow she upsets you and you're not having your Christmas ruined again.

The only way to have a healthy relationship with this woman is to keep as much distance between you as you need to be able to maintain your boundaries. I think that the best thing to do would be to send a card telling them that you’ve decided to stay at home this year, so will be in touch to make arrangements to see them at some point after the New Year. And tell your DC that you’re not going as well.

If you do end up being guilt tripped into going though, would it help if, instead of her sabotaging your cooking, you asked her to supervise and teach you how she does it? Obviously you know what you’re doing but a bit of pretend ignorance might flatter her ego enough so that you at least have a nice meal to eat? It’s shit that you need to think of strategies to get through the day, but if you can pretend to be interested in three different types of braised cabbage, it might make the day calmer for you, rather than being nagged, criticised and sabotaged.

But it again, I really think you should stay at home.

Wait until you know she's bought all the expensive stuff and then a couple of days before ring and say "sorry, we've all tested positive. wouldn't be fair on you for us to come for Christmas."

Sorted!!!

If the kids want to go I’d go. I usually help with the dinner a bit so play games in the afternoon, well I did, kids have grown up now. My kids always preferred to go to family, even with limited space. This year due to a new puppy on my mums side and an anxious dog going blind being a bad mix, I’m staying home. So cooking for only the second time ever, covid being the first 2020

Another reason why Christmas should be phased out. All this stress, brainwashing, must have presents and a cooked dinner on the day.

To the Op who said go out for lunch what a rip off and most places are probably booked up now.

People paying to be ripped off when you could go out any other day to eat for less than half the price.

Get rid of Xmas it's so liberating.

I disagree with the "if the kids want to go, I would go as well" comments. The kids like going because they get more presents and a big bedroom, why should OP accept abuse for the sake of material things?

I'd lie and have norovirus Xmas eve if I were you.
Your mam can freeze left overs can't she.

But I suspect there are wider issues here than having to deliver a Gordon ramsayesque turkey.

Does she use her wealth to somewhat control you? So if you're not dancing to her tune are you under threat golden sibling will inherit her wealth and you'll be pushed out?

No experience of the wealth you're talking about, however my BFF's abusive mother made it clear if BFF didn't dance to her merry jig her golden bollocks brother, who is a sneaky little shit btw, would inherit the family home. In these parts their 2 up 2 down terrace would still make a decent dent in a deposit, however BFF just had to tell her TM (toxic mother 🙄) to leave her house to stay cats for all she gave a fuck.

Shes not due to inherit anything now but her peace is invaluable.

Your mum sounds horrid and I hope you do choose the lego option x

We prep everything the night before. Plan when things need to go in the oven and it's done!! Xmas dinner isn't a massive fuss for us. Don't understand how people spend the whole day in the kitchen

If your children are expecting Christmas at Grannys/know it's a "Granny" year, how are they likely to be if you don't go?