To want to play with my kids on Christmas Day?

[RandomButtons]

Long story short, I’m working through some issues from my childhood and how my parents still treat me now. My mother is a narcissist and incredibly explosive. She can be lovely to be around but the little digs become bigger and then she will just explode on one of us (nearly always myself or my dad). She’s made it very clear over the years nothing I will ever do or achieve or be will ever be good enough. My sibling is of course golden and can do no wrong, and gets showered with massive 5 figure gifts. I’m in therapy and attempting to start unwinding it.

Up until now we’ve tried to for every other year with them at Christmas as per her expectations. But the last two have ended up with me being in floods of tears because she exploded on me about something stupid/accused me of stuff I hadn’t done.

We didn’t go last year, and we said months ago that we’d go this year. Golden sibling is due to be out of the country. It’s not a distance we can drive there and back in a day. Plus they have a massive house and gardens and at home my kids are crammed into one tiny room - they love going to grandmas.

Anyway, the pressure has started - mother likes the full on fancy Christmas dinner with every side ever imaginable. Full on make Nigella jealous. She does a fantastic job at it, food is exquisite and very expensive, but of course it requires at least two adults in the kitchen from 8am to 2pm - golden child usually does the main part these days and the rest of us dip in and out. However this is what caused the tow last time - I spent an hour playing with my kids with their new toys during this time. Mother has made it clear I should do the turkey etc this year - in reality I can tell you every time I’ve cooked for them in their house she’s constantly hovered and interfered and changed recipes whilst I’m working on them, and it’s been a disaster every time and the food has been ruined.

The thought of all that is stressing me out. I’d rather do a simple meal and spend quality time with my kids building Lego whilst they are still at this age. I can do fancy dinners when they are older and would rather be on computers/phones. But I won’t be allowed to do that if we visit parents. I’ll have to be good servant daughter doing everything that my mother wants doing regardless of if anybody actually wants 3 different types of braised cabbage.

AIBU to prioritise quality time? The only kicker is if we stay home we won’t have anyone to see on Christmas Day, which feels pretty crap. I love seeing relatives.

YANBU - stay home and play with Lego
YABU - go & cook the elaborate dinner

could the turkey be cooked day before?

Having teens you realise how short the window is where you get to play with your kids on Christmas Day before they’re too grown up. Prioritise this time that you will never get back. That either means being by yourselves at home (which is actually really nice, much as I love big family time at Christmas too) or setting the boundaries in advance with your mum - “just to let you know it’s really important to me that I have time to play with the kids on Christmas Day, I’m happy to help out in the kitchen as well but need to make sure I have time with them, so don’t put me in charge of anything too important”. It sounds like you’d feel much more relaxed if you weren’t around your mum though. She can’t demand that you’re there every other year - you’re an adult who can make your own decisions, especially when she usually ends up upsetting you.

The kids' preference shouldn't drive this. They have the rest of their lives to do Christmas as they wish.

It sounds miserable. Just tell her that you've decided to have a quiet day at home with his year.

Could you go for New Year instead? Just say that whilst your dc are little you want to be able to enjoy Christmas with them.

Are your kids really going to be bothered if they stay home for the day itself but visit family afterwards another day? They'll get the presents eventually, won't they?

How much do kids really enjoy the day given the family rows, does it not upset them?

Do they actually dislike Christmas at yours?

Do your kids care about the sides/ fancy veg?

Can you go away Christmas or find something else to do on the day / Christmas eve that would make staying at yours more attractive.

Do what you want. If she treats your sibling differently to you and you feel stressed being there, just say you are having Christmas at home this year. Tell her diplomatically you're happy to help but want to spend time playing with the kids, and that it ends in arguments so better not to go. If she explodes, it's her problem and her issue to work through. If your sibling isn't there this year, it will give her something to think about.

Cook the turkey at your house very early in the morning, then bring it over in the morning and just keep it warm. Tell your mum that will be your contribution to the dinner and you will not be missing christmas with your children and spending it in the kitchen. If she isn't happy with that plan, tell her you won't be coming at all.

Yes this will just be an annoyance if we drop out. I’m trying to avoid a massive fallout at the moment whilst I try to work out how to manage the relationship healthily.

I was the child of a narcissistic evil old bag. You are not going to please her whatever you do and whatever you do will always result in a massive fallout. So why bother? Life is short, too short to not do what makes you happy, especially at Christmas.

The kids will be happier at home in the smaller house with a mum who plays with them.

Just go, fuck up the food and no one will ask you again. Take a bottle of wine for yourself and enjoy throughout the day. Have fun playing your own game.

Plan a lovely Christmas at home. Don’t tell her. “Get covid” three days before so that you can’t go. Sorry I know that’s a dishonest strategy BUT it allows you to control your time and have a lovely Christmas without upsetting your DM. Make it your Xmas gift to yourself.

You set boundaries:
Mum, I want to come and I will help with dinner - but I am not willing to sacrifice all morning and not enjoy playing with the kids
I will be bringing some pre-done sides so this works out

You are a mother now and how you set the example for your dc. She has you in tears and anxiety and do your kids deserve this? Do you deserve this? Stay home and give your dc the best gift - you being at peace and happy.

I just wouldn't go, I don't put up with people like your mother and I give no notice to adult tantrums.
Stay home and enjoy playing with your children.

You have more than EVERY right to spend Christmas with your kids. Tell your mother your decision in good time, you don't want another year being subjected to emotional abuse so you just tell her no.

Nice closed answer NO.

Just think OP, you could have one of the best Christmasses ever, spending your time watching your kids open their prezzies and playing with them. Nothing is more delightful than that and these years will be the most memorable too but this time for happy and positive reasonsas, this is what Christmas is about.

Let your mother stagnate and chained to her own misery, she's a scrooge.

100% she uses the wealth to try and control me. They are very well off. Mansion of a house.

Golden child has been given lump sums worth about 4x my annual salary in order to be able to buy down the road from them. I’m apparently not ready to handle such help, but “one day” they’ll help me, so it’s not even sodding inheritance, it’s a carrot on a stick to make me behave now.

I need to be more like your friend.

The kids want to go, so go. When she asks for help in the kitchen, send in the DC. Or your DH if there is one. Stay firmly on the sofa with a glass of wine (or on the floor with the Lego if that’s really your preference). She will explode and then life will move on.

Oh, and pick your timings to suit you. Why not drive down in time for the Christmas meal - then you are excused from all the prep. Stay one night and leave.

What’s your husband or partner’s role when you’re there for Christmas- and generally? Are they supportive of you?

If so then I’d go but make a deal with my partner that I was to be relieved in the kitchen between X and Y o’clock, and if possible I’d tell my mother in advance that this was the plan.

YANBU, stay home and enjoy a peaceful Christmas with your children. Put your children first. Do they need see their mother crying and being bullied? No, they don’t. It will be much better for them to have you playing with them.

@RandomButtons I'm so sorry you're treated so badly. What I witnessed with my pal and her bro was their mum turned them against each other. I'd watch her do things, like my pal and I share a birthday so I went to hers to drop in her gift and her mum was there. She was clearing her cupboards out but whilst doing it saying, "db is so organised, I'd have never needed to do this for him". DB is a smug twat imo but he'd have never needed it done for him because she bullied his poor wife so much she's probably to scared to not have everything organised to a military standard. (I imagine she's on here seeking like minded women being terrored by a overbearing MiL!)

You possibly will inherit a massive amount from what you say about your DM wealth, that's something that will improve your and kids lives, my BFF is missing out on 50k maximum and she's told me she'd pay that twice over to be free of them.

But if it was money that meant buying a home outright and living in comfort, walking away wouldn't be that easy. Especially since she's been so vile to you, I think more than inheritance with parents like this it's compensation.
Idk if I could walk away from what would potentially be a form of freedom from the rat race if I were you, but you're also not in a situation it's guaranteed because she sounds incredibly spiteful.

You're in a truly unenviable situation here and I think you need to really weigh up what will create your mental wellbeing more joy, one day money or having this time now away from her bollocks.

It's nothing anybody else can decide but you and there are some remarkable posters on the stately home thread who will have been in your situation and give you lots of food for thought. But reading your post in almost shines with sadness and whatever your set to gain long term, you need some strategies to deal with the now before it ruins your foreseeable future.

Sorry that was very long x

OP have you discussed this with your therapist? Seems like that might be helpful.

Are there any upsides to going, other than the DDs enjoying it ?You mentioned seeing relatives - are there other people there whose company you enjoy?

If you are in the house I suspect no boundary setting in the world will work - unless your DP is prepared to be her help mate instead. That's a very good option btw as it will take the wind right out of her sails. She wanted help - she's getting help, but you know it's you in the kitchen being criticised and nagged that she wants.

Is it an option to drive down on Christmas morning- you said it's a long drive so means you couldn't possibly prepare the meal - don't go to such an effort DM, you know we're happy with M&S stuffing and roasties.

OP I think the problem is that you’re trying to address Christmas without addressing the relationship. Nothing is going to change until you set and hold boundaries, and accept that she will explode against those boundaries, you just have to keep holding them. There is unfortunately no magic answer where you’re happy and she’s chilled about it. The advantage you have is that you can predict her reactions - so you can work through what it looks like to go but not help cook, to stay home, etc. and work out which you feel able to cope with. But please do not sacrifice another Christmas with your children to this woman.

Im sure I’m not telling you anything new, but you really need to start thinking about the impact on your children. You’re teaching them that the way your mother treats you is ok. Sooner or later she is either going to recruit them in to treating you the same way, or she’s going to start treating them the same way. I’m not sure which is worse. I am not unbiased on this, as I am estranged from my (wealthy, successful, ever so wonderful and generous to the outside world) father.

Yes you’re absolutely right - I’m very concerned she will try and turn my kids against me. She’s started with treating them badly already - saying they are annoying her, in her way, eat too much, etc etc. keeps telling me the teenage years will be hell.

I’m so done with all this crap.

It's ok to stay home this year, even if they think you are going. A quick message along the lines of - We've decided to stay at home for Christmas and have a quiet one this year. I'm sure you understand. I hope we can catch up in the new year.

In a similar position, we had Christmas without my troublesome parents last year and it was bliss. My mother has started acting towards my daughter how she did to me, and that's a hard no for me! I spend the day playing with the DC and it was delightful and relaxing. Highly recommended.