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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at partner not being bothered about pregnancy

70 replies

sweettooth09 · 12/11/2023 11:35

I am 35 weeks and 6 days pregnant and it has been quite a stressful pregnancy.

I had bleeding at 9, 14 and 17 weeks pregnant.

I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 33 weeks and I find out next week if I will be having a C Section due to having a low lying placenta.

I also had a blood test for cholestasis yesterday due to itching on the feet.

I just feel so stressed all the time and my partner just dosent seem to care.

We live separately at the moment as the plan was for us to buy somewhere but will wait until next year now.

Partner has a 2 year old XL Bully and that is the main reason he does not live with me.
So I see him probably 2/3 times a week as otherwise the dog will poo/ urinate all over the house.

Partner had tried to rehome the dog but nobody is interested and he dosent want to just hand him in to rescue centre either which I understand.

When I ask him how is it going to work when the baby is here he just shrugs.
I dont want an XL Bully near me or my baby even though he is a friendly dog and has never shown any kind of aggression.

Another issue is how my partner is so concerned about his 18 year old nephew.
Partner's nephew smokes marijuana, has stabbed someone in the face, has drug dealers after him and suffers from depression.

I dont think it is my partner's responsbility to father a grown man who has his own parents.
My partner's nephew will call him on a daily basis begging my partner to pick him up.
And now after the dog he seems to he taking priority.

I am on antibotics for a UTI at the moment and feel really crap and partner went away last night with his brother and stayed over night in a city 3 hours from our city and I am really annoyed with him.

Today he plans to see his nephew and take him out on his return.

I just feel that me and our unborn son are not a priority to this man.

He swears he loves me and because 2/3 times a month he will do my washing and cleaning he thinks he does everything for me.

We havent even brought any baby stuff and I maybe having a planned C section at 39 weeks, he just does not seem bothered.

I text him this morning to advise him that his name will not be going on the birth certificate and as soon as the baby is born he will have to pay me child support.

I am just so fed up with everything.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 12/11/2023 11:38

Yeah - I'd keep this one out of my home.

YouJustDoYou · 12/11/2023 11:39

"I text him this morning to advise him that his name will not be going on the birth certificate and as soon as the baby is born he will have to pay me child support.I am just so fed up with everything. Am I being unreasonable?"

Nope, you;re not. He sounds like a disappointing loser of a father, and I would also be very, very concerned that he has frequent dealings with a relative who "has drug dealers" after him and has stabbed people. I also wouldn't want someone in my life who prioritises someone so volitile and potentially dangerous to have near my child. That also makes me so nervous for you that you have zero baby things yet, what are you going to do?

Velvetbee · 12/11/2023 11:40

Yeah, this has disaster written all over it. You’ve absolutely done the right thing. Don’t give in when he comes crawling back promising the world.

Original poster
sweettooth09 · 12/11/2023 11:43

YouJustDoYou · 12/11/2023 11:39

"I text him this morning to advise him that his name will not be going on the birth certificate and as soon as the baby is born he will have to pay me child support.I am just so fed up with everything. Am I being unreasonable?"

Nope, you;re not. He sounds like a disappointing loser of a father, and I would also be very, very concerned that he has frequent dealings with a relative who "has drug dealers" after him and has stabbed people. I also wouldn't want someone in my life who prioritises someone so volitile and potentially dangerous to have near my child. That also makes me so nervous for you that you have zero baby things yet, what are you going to do?

@YouJustDoYou - that is exactly what I tell him, but because he is family he feels he has to father him and feels guilty.

I am going to text him to send me half the money and just buy the baby stuff myself next week.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 12/11/2023 11:44

You've chosen the wrong person to have a baby with. He isn't bothered because he's a waste of space. Yabu having a baby with someone who doesn't live with you and shows you no commitment. Seeing someone 2/3 daus a week isnt a serious relationship. I'd be preparing myself mentally for going it alone in your shoes. If you have any family or friends if reach out for them for support. Once your child is born I'd put in a claim for cms. Learn to value yourself more. In the meantime ask for help from those you are closest to inorder to prepare for your child's arrival. I'd speak to your midwife too.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/11/2023 11:46

My advice is to fully accept that this man will not be a part of your child's life, the relationship is over, and you will be a (brilliant) single mum.

Let all of this stress and resentment go, it will only serve to ruin your early days with your baby.

His loss, I say.

Luxell934 · 12/11/2023 11:47

He needs to get rid of the dog. Don't let it anywhere near your baby.

I can understand your point of view but maybe him being a father figure to the nephew is him trying to help him turn his life around, especially if he's on his way down a bad path. I would see this as a good thing, it shows your partner can step up and be a parent? Just a thought...

arethereanyleftatall · 12/11/2023 11:48

Yes, you did the right thing, sad as it is.
He isn't your partner, he's a man who got you pregnant.

Caggers · 12/11/2023 11:49

I gave no idea what’s possessed you to have a child with this man.

He’s clearly not interested in you or the baby.

Slobberchops1 · 12/11/2023 11:51

Don’t worry about the dog or the nephew, just ditch this loser

i believe animal rescue are not allowed to take XL Bullies and they are to be PTS

Cakecakecheese · 12/11/2023 11:51

Yeah you're pretty much a single parent really so stop trying to get support from him as unfortunately it's not really happening. As others said get help from friends and family and speak to your midwife.

DustyBinCat · 12/11/2023 11:54

your on your own…wtf did you get pregnant by this bellend!

ilovepuppies2019 · 12/11/2023 11:55

You're single now so I would encourage you to prepare to be a single parent. It will create less disappointment and resentment if you accept it now. He isn't interested in your or your baby. A committed man would make a plan for the dog and not put the dog before his child. No serious man would just shrug when the issue was raised.

Is he 'fathering' the nephew or is he having fun with the nephew? It sounds like he might have a lot in common with the nephew and enjoy the same lifestyle.

Olika · 12/11/2023 11:55

I don't think you should be with him at all. Just be a single mum and he can pay. Your child deserves more than this.

Dacadactyl · 12/11/2023 12:03

His name wouldn't be going on the birth certificate if I were you.

I'd be doing absolutely everything in my power to keep him away from the child.

wednamenov · 12/11/2023 12:06

Yikes. Someone who just shrugs at the idea of an XL bully near a newborn, and is loyal to a person who has stabbed another in the face...! Lovely. 🤢

Best thing you can do is kick him to the herb and make sure your child never builds a relationship with him, because this is not going to end well.

EvenBetta · 12/11/2023 12:13

This specimen was clearly never going to be a high quality father, he’s not even a boyfriend, just a bloke who calls in for sex. Sadly your kid will have the right to be parented by him. Do you have childcare and support in place for the upcoming years?

golf7 · 12/11/2023 12:18

Also take some responsibility. Nothing has been brought for the baby ? Why not? I appreciate you haven't had an easy pregnancy and have been unwell but you can literally order all you need online without needing to leave the house / bed or sofa. Take action yourself ffs and stop worrying about which city he's in or his dog. Christ!

LightSpeeds · 12/11/2023 12:22

Sceptre86 · 12/11/2023 11:44

You've chosen the wrong person to have a baby with. He isn't bothered because he's a waste of space. Yabu having a baby with someone who doesn't live with you and shows you no commitment. Seeing someone 2/3 daus a week isnt a serious relationship. I'd be preparing myself mentally for going it alone in your shoes. If you have any family or friends if reach out for them for support. Once your child is born I'd put in a claim for cms. Learn to value yourself more. In the meantime ask for help from those you are closest to inorder to prepare for your child's arrival. I'd speak to your midwife too.

^Totally this.

You and the baby are not this man's priority.

Maray1967 · 12/11/2023 12:25

Keep this man, his violent nephew and his dangerous dog a long way away from your baby.

MintJulia · 12/11/2023 12:25

I'd be concerned about the dog. It needs to be rehomed or handed to the RSPCA soon. If he won't do that, he is essentially choosing the dog over his own child.

Looking after his nephew who is only 18, is not a bad thing, it shows he cares and is willing to help a family member in trouble, and try to be a good role model. He doesn't bring the nephew's drug dealers to the house. It sounds like he is trying to sort him out.

As for the baby kit, some men don't see the urgency because they think they've got months yet. And they feel sort of helpless if there isn't anything physically they can do about illness.

I'd just make it clear that he needs to get rid of the dog before the baby arrives. Go shopping for baby stuff by yourself and send him pictures and half the bill. Try to involve him in name choosing and some of the nice stuff. Threatening him with CMS at this point is unlikely to help.

And see where it goes from there. Once you know if you need a C-section, explain it to him. Tell him the date he will need to be at the hospital with you and the weeks he will need to take paternity leave afterwards, because you will not be able to lift the baby on your own. If he steps up and gets involved, you may still be ok. If he doesn't, you know you are on your own.

Good luck.

FestiveSandman · 12/11/2023 12:26

And you had a baby with him why?

CadillacCataract · 12/11/2023 12:28

None of it sounds great. If you and the baby were a priority the dog would have been gone long ago and you would be living together, in a proper adult relationship. This sounds like teenage stuff.

I’m sorry OP. It’s not what you want to hear when you’re heavily pregnant, unwell and feeling vulnerable, but I’d prepare for him being a fairly useless father. And don’t let that dog anywhere near your baby.

Popperzip · 12/11/2023 12:38

Pop onto Vinted or fb market place and get everything you can second hand, so you have more money for you and the baby instead of paying full price.

Make peace with the fact your going to be a single mum, do not put his name on the birth certificate and claim CMS.

I wish you the best with the rest of your pregnancy, and I hope you build on your self esteem and confidence to never meet someone like this again.

Kitkatcatflap · 12/11/2023 12:40

You are stark raving bonkers to have considered having a child with a man who prioritizes a leaky muscle dog and a stabby druggie.

Make your own to raise YOUR child, don't waste time or energy on this man. Do you have family and friends that can help you?