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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at partner not being bothered about pregnancy

70 replies

sweettooth09 · 12/11/2023 11:35

I am 35 weeks and 6 days pregnant and it has been quite a stressful pregnancy.

I had bleeding at 9, 14 and 17 weeks pregnant.

I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 33 weeks and I find out next week if I will be having a C Section due to having a low lying placenta.

I also had a blood test for cholestasis yesterday due to itching on the feet.

I just feel so stressed all the time and my partner just dosent seem to care.

We live separately at the moment as the plan was for us to buy somewhere but will wait until next year now.

Partner has a 2 year old XL Bully and that is the main reason he does not live with me.
So I see him probably 2/3 times a week as otherwise the dog will poo/ urinate all over the house.

Partner had tried to rehome the dog but nobody is interested and he dosent want to just hand him in to rescue centre either which I understand.

When I ask him how is it going to work when the baby is here he just shrugs.
I dont want an XL Bully near me or my baby even though he is a friendly dog and has never shown any kind of aggression.

Another issue is how my partner is so concerned about his 18 year old nephew.
Partner's nephew smokes marijuana, has stabbed someone in the face, has drug dealers after him and suffers from depression.

I dont think it is my partner's responsbility to father a grown man who has his own parents.
My partner's nephew will call him on a daily basis begging my partner to pick him up.
And now after the dog he seems to he taking priority.

I am on antibotics for a UTI at the moment and feel really crap and partner went away last night with his brother and stayed over night in a city 3 hours from our city and I am really annoyed with him.

Today he plans to see his nephew and take him out on his return.

I just feel that me and our unborn son are not a priority to this man.

He swears he loves me and because 2/3 times a month he will do my washing and cleaning he thinks he does everything for me.

We havent even brought any baby stuff and I maybe having a planned C section at 39 weeks, he just does not seem bothered.

I text him this morning to advise him that his name will not be going on the birth certificate and as soon as the baby is born he will have to pay me child support.

I am just so fed up with everything.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 12/11/2023 13:11

I think you are better off alone and I do not say that lightly. The sog and the nephew are both a risk and pose a danger to tour baby. He is unreliable. Even if he moves in his dog and nephew will be either there or frequent visitors and your home should be your safe sanctuary for you and your child. If you are bringing a man into that you need to k ow 100% that you and your child are his main priority and focus and it sounds like this is far from the case.

PinkRoses1245 · 12/11/2023 13:14

Kitkatcatflap · 12/11/2023 12:40

You are stark raving bonkers to have considered having a child with a man who prioritizes a leaky muscle dog and a stabby druggie.

Make your own to raise YOUR child, don't waste time or energy on this man. Do you have family and friends that can help you?

This. Do not move in with him. Don’t put his name on birth certificate. Be prepared to be a single parent because honestly it sounds like it’ll be easier. And you can buy baby stuff yourself

SiennaMillar · 12/11/2023 13:17

Change your locks OP. I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my baby. Also, my ELCS was stress-free and calm, best of luck to you and baby.

Original poster
sweettooth09 · 12/11/2023 13:24

I get that he wants to be there for his nephew but all that happens is he goes to see him, watches him smoke weed and go for food.

Partner feels guilty as the nephew wants "attention" - yeah I get that but the nephew has a brother, parents and grandparents to do that.

When I am not well and the birth being so close I expect to be a priority along side his own unborn son and not someone else's son.

I feel so sorry for the dog, he is a friendly dog and partner works full time and the dog will just be on his own all day.

I have already mentally prepared to so everything my self anyway as I dont have any faith in him at all.

My close friends and family live in a separate city about 45 mins away.
I am looking to move but being on maternity leave I am unsure if any landlords would be willing to take me on.

OP posts:
Babysharkdoodoodood · 12/11/2023 13:27

Has he answered your text yet?

Hibiscrubbed · 12/11/2023 13:31

This man is a dud.

You and your child don’t matter to him.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 12/11/2023 13:32

Jfc OP.

What a prince among men 🙄

Fuck him off. Accept he doesn't give a shit about you or your unborn child and yes, definitely leave him off the birth certificate and also, don't depend on any money from him, because you won't get it.

Think of yourself as a single mum and sort your life out accordingly.

margotrose · 12/11/2023 13:33

I'd be concerned about the dog. It needs to be rehomed or handed to the RSPCA soon. If he won't do that, he is essentially choosing the dog over his own child.

Rescues can't take them as they'll be banned in two months and will just need to be PTS. They won't take banned breeds.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 12/11/2023 13:39

If he fave a shit he would have replied to your message immediately

StSwithinsDay · 12/11/2023 13:41

Another child born to another shit father.

Original poster
sweettooth09 · 12/11/2023 13:45

Babysharkdoodoodood · 12/11/2023 13:27

Has he answered your text yet?

Yes he said asked me "why am I starting for & being so nasty?, and to stop it because he really loves me and our unborn son".

As soon as I know if I will be having a C Section I can start making the necessary arrangements.

I have have already packed my hospital bag.

OP posts:
Wibblywobblylikejelly · 12/11/2023 13:47

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ThomasinaLivesHere · 12/11/2023 13:53

Your baby deserves better than him. The dog maybe friendly to you but you’ve no idea how it will respond to the baby so definitely keep away and don’t give baby to him to take care of.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 12/11/2023 13:54

Like others say, start making plans for you and the baby. Make a list of what you need and try get it sorted soon.

TeaKitten · 12/11/2023 13:58

I text him this morning to advise him that his name will not be going on the birth certificate and as soon as the baby is born he will have to pay me child support.

Stop pointlessly aggravating him, and for-warning him of your plans when you are still pregnant and vulnerable. If he nos you aren’t gona let him on the birth certificate, he now knows he just has to be nice once the baby is born until he is on it - or that brilliant, now you aren’t gona put him on it he won’t have to pay child maintenance straight away until you’ve forced a DNA test. You are having a baby with a moron, so you need to get smarter OP. Accept you are a single parent, and buy the baby stuff yourself. Even if this guy did start showing an interest in you, he’s got a dog that pees all over the house so he can’t live with you and is very close to his violent druggie nephew who you also don’t want around your baby. Leave this guy behind and focus on your baby and a plan to move closer to people who will help you. Good luck with it all OP.

Maxiedog123 · 12/11/2023 13:58

Are you able to stay with family after the baby is born. You will need help after the birth, esp if having Caesarian, and realistically the boyfriend is not going to provide it
If you are already off work could you go now and be looked after the last few weeks.

postitnote8 · 12/11/2023 14:04

You've made a very wise choice to now hold your baby's father at arm's length and tell him he needs to contribute financially, because you've realised he is not going to be much more use as a father or a partner. Well done! Now you are going to need a lot of support to stick to that decision. Having a newborn is hard and it's going to be very hard for you on your own but you understand your priority is to keep you and your baby SAFE. Please make sure you tell your midwife and your GP what's happening. Your midwife will be able to signpost you towards any support available. Tell your family, tell your friends, gather your resources and good luck- you are going to be a great mum.

Hibiscrubbed · 12/11/2023 14:11

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But considering you thought he was a Stella candidate as a father I'm wondering what mother you will also be.

Fucking hell.

Not ok. The fuck has happened to this place?!

soscarlet · 12/11/2023 14:11

When I am not well and the birth being so close I expect to be a priority along side his own unborn son and not someone else's son.

I mean this in the nicest possible way - nothing he has done has shown that your expectation is reasonable. You are not his priority, I’m sorry I know that’ll hurt and you want him to be decent, but he’s just not.

Can you move back with parents/friends/relatives in your home city? You need to start building your life as a single mother - he will not be there for you or your child. You will probably be entitled to universal credit while on maternity leave, and go through CMS to get money out of your baby’s father.

Good luck with the birth, you’ve had it tough so far and the father isn’t making it any easier and I really do feel for you.

FictionalCharacter · 12/11/2023 14:12

End the relationship and never see him again. Single parenthood will be much easier than a life that includes this dangerous man.

TeaKitten · 12/11/2023 14:13

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You don’t sound like a particularly Stella person yourself making shitty comments like that to a vulnerable pregnant lady who is clearly trying to do her best for her baby.

soscarlet · 12/11/2023 14:16

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You probably mean “stellar”. Also, you’re horrible.

Mumto1boyo · 12/11/2023 14:26

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Notwhatyouwanttohear · 12/11/2023 14:29

Why on earth would you have a child with this man.

You are clearly not even his 2nd priority let alone first.

And you don't even live together.

Bonkers

Hibiscrubbed · 12/11/2023 14:32

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You and @Wibblywobblylikejelly need to have a word with yourselves.