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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going no contact with friend but still love her parents

54 replies

Namechange25621 · 11/11/2023 20:00

I've had a major falling out with my oldest friend, the result of years of resentment. I've decided to cut all contact with her for my own mental health. But I still love her parents. They're like my second family and I'd hate to lose them. AIBU to think I can still maintain a relationship with them even if I have nothing to do with their daughter anymore? For context myself and friend are both late 30s and she doesn't live with them.

OP posts:
ProvisionsOnTheDock · 11/11/2023 20:03

Why would they want to maintain a relationship with you if you've cut their daughter out of your life?

Actually, is this a reverse? Are you the daughter whose friend still wants to see your parents?

Bivarb · 11/11/2023 20:06

That would be quite cruel actually. They are her parents, not yours. If you're going to throw her away/cut her off then you need to leave her family alone also

UnderTheSkyline · 11/11/2023 20:07

If someone cut my child out, I wouldn’t want a relationship with them. How would that work?

Labradoodlie · 11/11/2023 20:08

I have a similar relationship with one set of friend’s parents, but it wouldn’t survive a falling out. Obviously, their loyalty would be to her not me.

Dacadactyl · 11/11/2023 20:09

Even if they do love you very much in your own right (which I'm prepared to believe, for the sake of argument), I cannot imagine they'd want to be put in that position.

Anon1072 · 11/11/2023 20:09

No absolutely not. The parents loyalty ( unless some huge backstory) will be with their child. Maintaining a relationship with you would be incredibly difficult for them given the situation you describe.

InsomniacA · 11/11/2023 20:10

I hope this isn't real.

If it is, how selfish and cruel of you. No, of course you can't cut off her friend and expect to use her parents as your 'second family'. Horrible.

Thelnebriati · 11/11/2023 20:11

If this relationship did survive, it would suggest they have a very peculiar relationship with their daughter.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 11/11/2023 20:13

Most people are going to choose their own daughter over anyone else so I think you are only likely to be able to maintain the relationship if she gives her blessing and you’re going non-contact without any hard feelings.

Moveoverdarlin · 11/11/2023 20:14

If someone cut me out their life, they can fuck off if they think they are still going to nip round to my parents and have a tea and a chat. No way. Xx

Mamato29192 · 11/11/2023 20:14

Yabu

Cnidarian · 11/11/2023 20:14

No obviously not!

theduchessofspork · 11/11/2023 20:21

Yes you are.

It will cause her pain - if you want her out of your life, then you need to get out of hers. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

Meeting · 11/11/2023 20:28

No, you can't do that.

Original poster
Namechange25621 · 11/11/2023 20:31

Ok for context i'm really close to her parents, lived with them for a few years and they've been with me for all my major life events. I'm more like a second daughter to them. I see them a lot independently of my friend and live much closer to them than she does. Why do I need her approval to see them? Aren't they adults who can decide who they associate with?

OP posts:
DisquietintheRanks · 11/11/2023 20:33

Are you planning to tell them you're going nc with their daughter?

BarneyAteMyHomework · 11/11/2023 20:34

Aren't they adults who can decide who they associate with?

Well, yes, but I’d be really surprised if they wanted to associate with you much if you’ve cut their daughter out of your life! A bit like you wouldn’t really expect to keep in close contact with your former in-laws unless there’s a practical need to.

Homesweethome23 · 11/11/2023 20:34

You are correct they are adults and can chose who they associate with, pretty good chance they will pick their daughter and not want to see you again.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 11/11/2023 20:35

OP, I mean this kindly but I think you are probably asking too much of them. It isn't fair to put her parents in that position. I would definitely not want to remain friends with someone who cut my daughter out no matter what our relationship was before that. Unless they have an already fractured relationship with their daughter I just can't see it surviving.

Exasperatednow · 11/11/2023 20:35

Did you start the thread to get people to agree with you?

Sunnydays0101 · 11/11/2023 20:36

Initially you might think you can remain close to your friend’s parents but the friendship will drift away. Blood is thicker than water, they are her parents, not yours. You might think you are more like a second daughter, but the reality is, you aren’t.

LondonElle · 11/11/2023 20:38

It's just not going to work out long term and will put them in an awkward position... blood is thicker than water.

Meeting · 11/11/2023 20:38

You're assuming they they see you as a daughter. That's a very large assumption to make.

ModeWeasel · 11/11/2023 20:40

There is a reason you felt the need to put this in AIBU.

ExtraOnions · 11/11/2023 20:40

She is their actual daughter though, and, if they had to make a choice blood is thicker than water.

You are telling them that thier daughter is so awful, you can’t be friends with her … doubt they will take that well.