To feel down about a judgemental mother?

[Katielottierose947]

Hiya I’m 25 years old and in a long term happy relationship

I was out for a coffee yesterday with a couple of my girlfriends and another lady had tagged along (she was friends with my friends) everything was fine and we were chatting and then children got brought up. Both my friends that were there have children and also the new lady I’d just met let’s call her Lucy ( not her real name)
Lucy is in her early 30’s with 2 children.

Lucy asked ‘When are you going to have kids then?’ I replied that me and my boyfriend have decided we actually don’t want children and that even though we’ve thought a lot about it it’s still the decision we’ve come to. Lucy proceeded to say ‘ I wouldn’t feel like a proper woman if I hadn’t of had children to be honest, I mean it’s a bit selfish! ’ she laughed and then she made her eyes go wide like she was in shock . I laughed nervously back. And saw my two friends wince.

My friends saved me from the awkward silence that arose. I didn’t want any confrontation. When I went home that afternoon I felt a bit down thinking should I want children, am I a normal woman? I’ve seen loose women discuss this in their show before so I know I’m not alone I think it was Vicky Pattinson?

Why are woman called selfish for NOT wanting children? Am I being unreasonable to be upset by this comment ? Has anyone been in a similar situation before ?

thanks sweeties 😊

God she sounds awful. There’s absolutely nothing wrong in not wanting children and it’s certainly not selfish! Selfish would be having children you didn’t want because you felt you ought to and not being cut out for parenting.

YANBU to not want kids, it's not selfish (in fact it's probably more selfish to want kids)

But YABU to be down about it! She's just some stupid woman who had a stupid opinion.

She just sounds like an absolute thicko to be honest. The idea that not having kids is selfish is moronic. Why anyone would say shit like that to someone they've just been introduced to is beyond me. Its a shame she's chosen to reproduce really.

Not at all unreasonable to ignore entirely and hopefully your reaction will make her think twice about saying exactly what's on her mind again. I'm sure we've all put our foot in it at times, but that's a fairly impressive one.

It never ceases to amaze me as to what people think is reasonable to verbalise out loud.

Apparently you're not complete unless you have kids, that was in a fiction book im reading and even reading it I thought it was bullshit!! I have kids but I also know women who don't and don't want them and I understand that. Weare all still normal women with different mindsets. To judge someone for not having children is really unkind, even asking the question without knowing a reason is out of line.

You have made your choice, you aren't wrong, it's what you want in your life so don't mind anyone else.

What a cow. Obviously insecure and thinks that anyone else's different circumstances/ lifestyle are an implicit criticism of hers, hence she has to put the boot in first. Idiot.

God what a nightmare woman. Ignore her and avoid ever seeing again. She's probably jealous deep down & hates it

She's a dick.

Although at 25 you might change your mind

Christ, how utterly fucking tedious that people are still subjected to this crap. Talk about internalised gender stereotypes.
I used to get the 'you're so selfish' bollocks and 'not very womanly' (wtf!) Oh and the patronising 'you'll change your mind'. As it happens I did but that was largely due to a DH who was also prepared to give a big fuck u to the patriarchy and step in to be 'mothering and domestic' in equal measure.
My come back to the 'you're selfish' was always to inquire to whom was I being selfish? Selfish to the world (pretty sure the global population doesn't need my kids?). UK for denying them future workers (cause that makes it sounds like you want me to be a birthing machine for a capitalist society)? My partner (his decision too). My unconceived child.. ? That last one always got them.
I would tell them quite clearly that my very thoughtful decision was the opposite of selfish. That selfish would be bringing a child into the world with out too much thought, not really assessing whether you had the emotional, relationship and financial resources to do a good job and then being a bit crap at it and making the kids life a bit crap. I would say that I'd really thought about it and that the time commitment that it needed wasn't possible for me, nor did I want it. And thankfully I had a choice.
That and a hard stare usually shut them up.
Sorry you're experiencing this. I really really wish more people thought a lot more about becoming parents as it would stop so much misery and and struggle. I commend you for making your choice for whatever reasons you have because you've made an active choice.

Tbh even if you wanted kids , it was stupid to ask when you're only 25.
Then she compounded that stupidity with her next comments. The thing is.. you can't fix stupid.

At least she's not an actual friend or someone you'll be likely to see much of , it at all, again. So fuck her and what she thinks.

The word selfish is very telling here op.it means she is struggling and thinks you don’t want kids so you can have an easier or better life.

shes envious. I see this a lot on here. Women being bitchy about other women If they think they have chosen an easier path than them. Or trying to convince them to do something they did , as they suffered. odd but simply tells you more about them than they wish you to know.

so let it go, it’s not about you , it’s about her feelings about her own choices.

So horrible and tactless of her

You may have been trying for a baby for all she knew so she shouldn't be making these sort of comments to anyone

What are you, then, OP; imaginary?

She's talking crap, and as a childfree woman myself I can tell you that you've got about 15 years where you will get the same crap from many people who can't think past their own life choices.

Just ignore.

Come and join us on the board for mn without children.

very ignorant of her

Although at 25 you might change your mind

Yes, but she also might not.
25 is perfectly old enough to make a decision to either want kids or not.

Completely your choice whether or not to have children. I have 2 with a third on the way and they are incredibly hard work. I love them and wouldn’t change anything but having children when you aren’t convinced you want them is never a sensible plan in my opinion.

Next time someone says something so rude to you, call them out on it instead of laughing nervously.

There's nothing to be down about. An intolerant woman who can't possibly imagine that people are different made herself look like a dick. That's it. Your friends wincing should tell you how crass she was being.

My DB and SIL have chosen not to have kids and they (she) still gets occasional comments now in their 40's. Some people just seem to take alternative life choices as a personal criticism.

i voted YABU as you need to stop giving this woman headspace.

it was really rude and insensitive of her to say what she did, but then some people are.

You’ll meet people like this. Be confident in your own choice and have firm but polite replies to shut down the conversation.

That’s a silly response. Lucy is clearly a monumental idiot in terms of (a) actually thinking this and (b) being insensitive enough to say it, but ‘she’s just jealous’ is one of those non-things posters invent in all kinds of unlikely situations on zero grounds. Maybe Lucy adores being a parent. Maybe Lucy is one of those limited types who never had the faintest idea what she would do with her life outside of having children. Maybe Lucy has some kind of neurological glitch that means she doesn’t have theory of mind and doesn’t grasp that other people don’t share her (limited) thought processes. Or yes, maybe Lucy is regretting her children.

OP, you are going to need to toughen up about this. These kinds of comments to childfree women aren’t uncommon in exactly the scenario you describe — your friends wouldn’t say anything so dense, but friends of friends sometimes do, or people you meet at parties. (See current thread on the Mners Without Children’ board.) You will go mad if you let it lay an axe to the roots of your being every time.

For what it’s worth, I never wanted children, and would occasionally get those kinds of comment. I’m fine with confrontation, so if I was in the humour I would say something like ‘Gosh, do explain to me why you chose to have children now that there’s reliable contraception’, or ‘Poor you. I can’t imagine feeling my identity as a woman depended on my reproductive capacity’.

Also, I did have a child, by choice, when I was about to turn 40. I remained exactly as ‘selfish’ as I had been before I had him. I’m exactly the same person, but with a child.

Urgh, I can’t believe there are still people out there that not only think like this but have no qualms about spouting off about it either.

Having my daughter was a decision I made entirely for me (and my husband of course) to fulfill our own desire to be parents. We work very hard to be good ones, which means having to be selfless quite often in terms of putting her needs first, but that’s our responsibility after the choice we made to bring her into the world - not some sign of our worth as people/ inherent generosity of spirit.

NO ONE SHOULD ASK ANYONE WHEN THEY ARE HAVING KIDS! She is a PRICK.

She sounds like an insecure dick.

If being a mother is the only thing that she has going for her then good luck to her when they all grow up and leave home.

I wouldn’t want to waste my breath on people like that.

Forgot to say, how the hell is it selfish to not want children?