To feel down about a judgemental mother?

[Katielottierose947]

Hiya I’m 25 years old and in a long term happy relationship

I was out for a coffee yesterday with a couple of my girlfriends and another lady had tagged along (she was friends with my friends) everything was fine and we were chatting and then children got brought up. Both my friends that were there have children and also the new lady I’d just met let’s call her Lucy ( not her real name)
Lucy is in her early 30’s with 2 children.

Lucy asked ‘When are you going to have kids then?’ I replied that me and my boyfriend have decided we actually don’t want children and that even though we’ve thought a lot about it it’s still the decision we’ve come to. Lucy proceeded to say ‘ I wouldn’t feel like a proper woman if I hadn’t of had children to be honest, I mean it’s a bit selfish! ’ she laughed and then she made her eyes go wide like she was in shock . I laughed nervously back. And saw my two friends wince.

My friends saved me from the awkward silence that arose. I didn’t want any confrontation. When I went home that afternoon I felt a bit down thinking should I want children, am I a normal woman? I’ve seen loose women discuss this in their show before so I know I’m not alone I think it was Vicky Pattinson?

Why are woman called selfish for NOT wanting children? Am I being unreasonable to be upset by this comment ? Has anyone been in a similar situation before ?

thanks sweeties 😊

I think lots of women think that's motherhood is what defines them and their lives, and that to not have them therefore makes you lacking. I don't think it's that they secretly hate their kids and regret having them.

I was once asked at a social event by a man I had only just met, if I had children (I was there with DH). When I said no, he jokingly said "why, are you barren?" I was so shocked I couldnt speak. Never forgotten that.

Some great responses on here. OP I will add that when people are as monumentally idiotic and rude as this women was, you are entitled to offer a measured, but cold response. Some suggestions:

"Gosh, that was a strong opinion to share! I wonder where it came from? Is everything ok with you?"

"The vast majority of parents are bad at it and should never have had kids." (I don't believe this but it's a great response to someone being a twat)

"I've never met a parent as happy and successful as am." (This will work better when you are a bit older, obviously. My 35yo sister gets good use out of it!)

As a very happy parent of nearly three, I cannot fathom why anyone has an opinion on anyone's choices when it comes to reproduction. It's baffling.

What a stunningly stupid woman. With any luck she will soon reach the point when the memory of this conversation makes her go cold with horror at how she has embarrassed herself.

thanks sweeties

Hmm.

Maybe ask her if you see her again if she is struggling with motherhood.

Selfish to whom? Certainly not the planet which is groaning under the weigh of a gazillion humans. She sounds thick, shallow and bad mannered.

What an awful woman. The fact that the other two winced says a lot.

Having children is selfish because guess what, people do it because they want to be parents and satisfy that desire for themselves. (I have kids by the way.) Maybe Lucy kids herself that she's had children in order to contribute their wonderfulness to society and the wider world.

Also I absolutely HATE the notion that a woman isn't a complete and proper woman/person if she isn't a mother. Of course she is. On the contrary it is easy as a mother to feel that is principally what defines you to others and feel like you have lost part of yourself.

All women are people in their own right!

Another very happy mum here who thinks she's absolutely mental. Ignore her.

Truth is, some people are just twatty about any life-changing experience they've had: travel, religion, politics, whatever it is, there's a certain kind of person who not only loved their life-changer but can't imagine how anyone's life could be complete without it and can't keep that to themselves.

"I'm glad you've done the right thing for you, Lucy, but if you can't be glad that I've done the right thing for me we should probably talk about something else."

I'd love to hear your experiences of when you've met women 16-25 who are pregnant or have children and told them they're very young and might change their mind.

Lucy is a knob who doesn't know how to be tactful.

I have a child. I am no more a 'woman' than you! Go enjoy your fabulous child free life I say!

Awful woman.

The trouble is, sometimes when people are this bad it just knocks the wind out of you and you don't manage to come back at them successfully. Very frustrating. When I've had this level of rudeness/crassness aimed at me, my mouth has gone dry and my brain turns to fog and I've just been unable to get back at them - it's a physical thing, not a 'too timid' thing.

All I can suggest is; rehearse a few good responses to this for future use. If you think ahead, you might manage to put the next idiot in their place.

Sadly some people are so lacking in imagination (and empathy) that they can't get their heads around the idea that you might want completely different things from them. They Have Figured Out The Correct Way To Live And They Are Always Right. Ignore them - unimaginative people can be quite boring.

Some of my coolest and most awesome friends are child-free through varying degrees of choice. And there's definitely nothing 'lesser' about them.

She's a prick, and it's none of her damned business what you do.

She's an idiot and very rude.
If it happens again you could act faux surprised and say, "oh no I think it would be selfish to have a child I didn't want just because I feel I'm supposed to. How awful for the unwanted child! Is that the reason you had children??" Then do the wide eye thing.

You could rub all the disposable income and long lies in her face!

I have a child by the way and love being a parent. That doesn't mean everyone would feel that way. My best friend is child free and fabulous.