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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to attend Dd birthday party

59 replies

Spectrum2001 · 10/11/2023 21:21

My DH will try and get out of doing anything that he doesn’t want to. And one of those things is kids birthday parties, I get where he’s coming from, I can’t stand them really. But he thinks I should ‘go it alone’ at our Dd birthday party and leave him to do what he needs to do (he says he will be working, he is self employed) I say he’s being unreasonable and he’s not there for me but for our dd. He says that there’s no need for us both to be there. It’s a hosted party so we just need to turn up with a cake and party bags.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 10/11/2023 21:31

I would expect my child's father to be there for her birthday party, hosted or not. I would imagine it would mean a lot to your daughter, more than anything.

NotLactoseFree · 10/11/2023 21:37

this is just the start. If he can't be assed with his actual child's birthday, I guess he won't be willing to be the one taking her to class mates birthdays when she's at school? And he won't be doing ballet lessons or attending concerts or going to parent teacher meetings?

what a wanker.

wishing3 · 10/11/2023 21:38

Wow. He’s an idiot!

Wotsitfappe · 10/11/2023 21:39

I'd expect him to be there. But I can't imagine wanting to be married to a man who tried to get out of this, or anything he didn't want to do. Urgh

unfairornot · 10/11/2023 21:40

Tell him it's not about him it's about his child. Does he want a child that will make an effort with him when dc is older. Because if he doesn't invest in his relationship he can't complain if when his children are adults they are not close to him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/11/2023 21:40

Does he really not care to be part of a special celebration for his child? Beyond him thinking it’s your job because he’s too important to do something he doesn’t fancy - which is rank in itself - I’d be heartbroken that he just doesn’t seem to care about being part of something lovely for his daughter, with his family.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/11/2023 21:41

What a horrible piece of shit your DD has for a ‘father’.

AhBiscuits · 10/11/2023 21:43

Thats horrible, of course he should be there.

BaronessBomburst · 10/11/2023 21:44

Your daughter will grow up thinking that her father is an arse.
But that's up to him, I suppose.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 10/11/2023 21:45

Your DD will remember this, or at least see the photos when she’s older.

Up to him really. You don’t need his presence as it’s hosted, so it’s about his relationship with his child. Perhaps he’s an otherwise very present dad and perhaps she knows she’s deeply loved and wanted and celebrated by him despite his absence, including on her birthday.

xyz111 · 10/11/2023 21:47

He sounds awful. Does he do other things with her?

BeckhamSeven · 10/11/2023 21:47

My dad never came to my birthday parties! I don't think of him any differently or "worse", it just wasn't his scene and he too would have been working.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/11/2023 21:49

BeckhamSeven · 10/11/2023 21:47

My dad never came to my birthday parties! I don't think of him any differently or "worse", it just wasn't his scene and he too would have been working.

What if it wasn’t your mum’s scene? No parties?

DGPP · 10/11/2023 21:51

sorry but i would be having a very serious word. What an arse. Parties aren’t my scene either but I still go because it’s about my child not me

WaltzingWaters · 10/11/2023 21:53

Does he give a shit about you and his Dd normally? Cause he sounds like a complete uninvolved dick of a father and husband.

Original poster
Spectrum2001 · 10/11/2023 22:04

Thanks everyone, your replies have summed up how I feel about it. He should go, to be there for her, to be a good parent.
Unfortunately he tries to get out of doing anything really, only if he’s in the right mood and boy does he demand ‘dad of the year’ praise. I’ve told him it’s to be there to support and celebrate with her, we will see if his one brain cell can compute that.
he is often a narcissistic prick, but there are some occasions where he is kind, generous, funny.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spectrum2001 · 10/11/2023 22:06

H

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/11/2023 22:08

but there are some occasions where he is kind, generous, funny

Ah, well that’s okay then. Bloody hell.

Original poster
Spectrum2001 · 10/11/2023 22:08

BaronessBomburst · 10/11/2023 21:44

Your daughter will grow up thinking that her father is an arse.
But that's up to him, I suppose.

I often wonder how they’ll remember his input whilst growing up and if they’ll realise how he was.

OP posts:
HungryandIknowit · 10/11/2023 22:09

Unbelievable. Of course he should go.

Mumsanetta · 10/11/2023 22:10

Out of genuine interest, why are you still with a man who can’t even be bothered to turn up to his own child’s birthday party?

LightSpeeds · 10/11/2023 22:11

'Dad of the Year'?

Top Wanker of the Year more like.

YourNameGoesHere · 10/11/2023 22:13

Mumsanetta · 10/11/2023 22:10

Out of genuine interest, why are you still with a man who can’t even be bothered to turn up to his own child’s birthday party?

Agreed. Honestly if he can't even be arsed to come to his child's birthday what the fuck is the point in him. What would you say if your daughter grew up to have such a shit 'partner'. Follow the advice you'd give her.

bellamountain · 10/11/2023 22:15

I can't remember my dad being at any of my parties as a kid, I think he actively avoided it by going fishing. I'm not scarred for life.... your DH will have to pick up the slack elsewhere though.

unfairornot · 11/11/2023 06:41

bellamountain · 10/11/2023 22:15

I can't remember my dad being at any of my parties as a kid, I think he actively avoided it by going fishing. I'm not scarred for life.... your DH will have to pick up the slack elsewhere though.

Just out of interest what era was that? I grew up in the 80's and my dad attended one party i had. )I probably had 3 or 4 over all) It never bothered me but tbh no dads were at the parties I attended either which is completely different to my children generation. Saying that I'm not close to my dad and I think a factor in that would be he never really did anything with us at all. He spent his leisure time watching tv and going pub.

It t really depends on how the op's dp is day to day. If he's not making the effort with his kids he won't have that closeness when they are older.