To expect DH to attend Dd birthday party

[Spectrum2001]

My DH will try and get out of doing anything that he doesn’t want to. And one of those things is kids birthday parties, I get where he’s coming from, I can’t stand them really. But he thinks I should ‘go it alone’ at our Dd birthday party and leave him to do what he needs to do (he says he will be working, he is self employed) I say he’s being unreasonable and he’s not there for me but for our dd. He says that there’s no need for us both to be there. It’s a hosted party so we just need to turn up with a cake and party bags.

Yeah I don’t think my Dad was always at my parties… but he did the food shop each week, the ironing, cooked tea the nights Mum worked late. Picked us up from guiding clubs etc. The party in itself isn’t a major issue but the bigger picture is.

My ex-husband is the least social person and with PTSD the noise of a party can be a lot but he comes and sits in a corner because he knows he should show up for his daughter.

@Spectrum2001

My dds unfortunately have an arsehole for a dad. We split up when they were 2/4, he actual did attend party's. (Completely organised by me) as he likes opportunity to shine (without the effort) But he was short tempered. Never really played with them. Not at all responsible or someone to rely on. He regularly let them down. Eldest dd had a bit of hero worship so she struggled in her teens when reality didn't match her image of him. Younger dd seemed to have him sussed from a young age and gave him a short shrift .

They are adults now, he lives about a hour away and they go visit maybe once every 3 or 4 months (he rarely comes here) They still live with me so I see them all the time but we also go on hols, have nights out, play games together. I've never slated him and have even defended him if I felt they were being unfair. (Unlike him who slagged me off constantly when they were young) I have a wonderful relationship with them now. You reap what you sew.

If hosting kids parties were the one thing he couldn't bear, but he was overall an amazing, engaged, loving hands-on dad, then there could be a workaround. But it sounds like he's generally disengaged lazy bugger, and this is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

I would honestly be rethinking my marriage - not because of the birthday party, but because it doesn't sound like he's a real partner. If you're doing everything yourself and you are the de facto parent it will build resentment. Yes, insist on the party but also put some thought into where this relationship is going and what you want and deserve.

I mean, I can see his point. I’d rather take my own head off than go to a kids party. As pp said, this is a relatively new thing. But just because other people do it doesn’t mean he has to. I don’t remember if my dad was at my parties, I expect some he was, some he wasn’t.

Obviously he should show up for his daughter on the celebration of her birth. If he is genuinely of the belief that it only needs one of her parents there then why does he not suggest he does it instead of you? Why is it assumed the mother will do it?

I remember how uninvolved my dad was, watching the news was more important than talking to me about my day at school, just didn't give a shit.
See him twice a year nowadays with virtually no contact in between.

I'm sure your daughter would like her dad at her party. So on that basis, your husband is being unreasonable.

Does he really need to be told, as parents we do whats right by our children, no ourselves? Selfish man needs to grow up, I think.

I have missed one of DD1’s birthday parties as it was towards the end of Covid isolating (when the person had to isolate but not the family if they were negative). I still feel guilty about that now. However, I know DD won’t hold that against me as it was a one off that I couldn’t avoid.

He sounds like a shit father. There are so many things I’d opt of if I could but I don’t because my children are my priority and we do things because they will love it! Birthday parties are one of those things.

DH didn't attend any of DD's parties either. TBH I think it is more than just being intolerant or unsociable. He really, really can't bear noisy busy places. It's almost like a phobia.

I didn't have a problem with it as otherwise he was an involved and hands on father. He was always better at playing make believe with DD when she was little than I was.

I don't recall many dads being at their DC's soft play or other parties TBH.

Dad attending his own child's birthday parties isn't a new thing, most of my friends growing up had dad's who were happy to attend because they actually liked spending time with their kids and watching them have fun, mine was noticeable in his absence when we had parties because he was a shit parent and as I discovered quite early on also a shit husband.

No one actively enjoys little kids parties but you throw them to make your child feel special it's a blooming low bar for a parent to not make an effort for even one day a year.

Bollocks! My dad attended mine and my sister’s parties when we were younger. He was a really hands on dad who attended things that were important to us - as did my mum. They’ve taught me to have high expectations for a hands on father for my children and to be a hands on parent myself. My DH feels the same as me fortunately rather than seeing it as opportunity to put his own wants first.

Absolutely! My father had occasional flashes of Disney-dad, which aggreivated my mother (mainly because of the costs), but for the most part did no parenting and put in no effort. As we got older we noticed.
The icing on the cake for me was when he fucked off on a works jolly on my 18th birthday, knowing that my mother wouldn't celebrate with me for religious reasons. In fact, she invited friends over that evening so that I couldn't. I'm in my 50s now and still haven't forgiven him.

In fact, thinking about it, it was too much effort for him to attend my 50th birthday party too, despite me offering to pay for a train and hotel. I've not physically seen him in over 5 years.

The icing on the cake for me was when he fucked off on a works jolly on my 18th birthday, knowing that my mother wouldn't celebrate with me for religious reasons. In fact, she invited friends over that evening so that I couldn't. I'm in my 50s now and still haven't forgiven him.

Have you forgiven your mother? Sounds like they both didn’t give a shit about what you wanted for your 18th.

It’s not ‘bollocks’, as I said I can’t remember properly. I don’t remember any of my friends dad’s regularly being at parties either. I’d have to look back through our photo albums to check but it just didn’t seem to be a thing in our circle at the time (40+ years ago).

It’s like back then, all parties were drop and go, even at primary age. I was gobsmacked when my friend at work said she was taking her 6yo to a party and there were prizes for ‘parent participation’ and ‘mummy/daughter dances’. I can state confidently that wouldn’t have happened in my day.

Does that apply to Mum's and other female relatives? Do you miss your children's birthdays because you don't like them, or do you realise as a parent, there's parts you have to get over not enjoying?
It isn't ok to cop out of being a parent because you have a penis.

I have a DD 15. She was about 8 years old when she first cried her eyes out after coming home from her friends house ( where she was a regular visitor) because she didn't understand why her dad wasn't like her friend's. Her friend's dad regularly drove her friend to her hobbies, took her out to the park, attended her special occasions, like school plays and birthday parties.
Her dad and I separated almost 4 years ago now but she still breaks her heart over how emotionally absent her dad has been / still is.

DH is a very hands-on involved dad, never missed a parents' evening, play, or anything like that. But he's only been at the birthday parties when he's been making the food, I think.
If it's soft play or something like that, there won't be anything he needs to do, your child won't be taking any notice of him, and he'll struggle with chitchat with the other parents more than you. He may just feel like a spare part.
I wouldn't worry about this one - it's things like school plays where it will matter much more to your child.

I can’t imagine not wanting to attend my child’s birthday. He sounds horrible.

Am I supposed to enjoy the work that goes into planning, arranging and making a birthday party happen because I have a vagina?
Because if so who do I inform about the program that obviously didn't download properly?

People need to stop excusing fathers from all parts of their childrens childhood.
Not to say there shouldn't be a balance or exceptions but to not take part because it's not their thing or they'll feel like a spare part ( maybe if they were more involved with their children they wouldn't feel this way ) is a really shit excuse that just perpetuates the low expectations they are held to.

he'll struggle with chitchat with the other parents more than you

🤨

This is a weird assumption. My DH is far better at ‘chitchat’ than I am and would feel infinitely more comfortable talking to other parents than me.

Why would a dad be a spare part at his own child's party any more than their mum would? I honestly don't get that logic??

No particular reason why dad would be a spare part more than mum, I suppose, but only one parent is needed. I don't think mum was suggesting that he needed to be there instead of her. Maybe if mum is doing this one alone, she can suggest it's his turn next time!

Maybe the assumption that dad would struggle more with the chitchat was wrong too, but if he's the sort to avoid children's parties, it might well be true. Again, you need one parent there to do the hosting (preferably who knows at least some of the invitees), and they probably get out of most of the chitchat because they need to get the cake/party bags ready/keep an eye on the children. With both parents there, they'll have less excuse not to chat to any other parents who have stayed.

No particular reason why dad would be a spare part more than mum, I suppose, but only one parent is needed.

You may only need one parent to host a party, but surely any parent who cares about their child would want to attend and celebrate their birthday with them.

It's not about the fact that only one parent is actually needed to host the party though, it's the simple fact that both parents should want to be there because it's their child's party and they are celebrating together.

No parent enjoys hosting parties but we do it for our kids because they have fun and it's nice to do something to mark the occasion. I don't see why so many posters think this should solely be down to the child's mother.

What if mums decided that birthday parties weren't their scene either?

I know! Next year, let's all just fling our small DC a few hundred quid or whatever would usually be spent and tell them to crack on with it. After all, they won't notice we're not there 🙄.

If a child doesn't notice a parent's absence at their birthday party, it's because they're not used to sharing things which are important in their life with that parent and that parent should really reflect on how their child perceives them.