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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my MIL just so intrusive and possessive?

85 replies

LoveattheWaterCooler · 10/11/2023 12:14

MIL has, from day 1 had a possessive chip on her shoulder. It's really hard to explain, there's been so many small things over the years that I can't really remember, but when I first met DH, she made a huge deal of telling me that SHE'D decorated and picked all the decor/ sofas etc for the house he was then living in. I was like, okay great, not sure why you're telling me this or why it matters? When I moved into that house a couple of years into our relationship, she made it clear she wasn't happy and I can't explain it, but when she came to visit, she'd make all these petty, possessive remarks about things.

We bought a house together, 4 years after we met. She lives 3 hours away and would make a big thing of messaging saying she was going to come and visit and DH could just leave keys out for her to make herself at home (we were both at work) there was no question of her just arriving after we'd got home from work. I'd get home and she'd have rearranged things in the living room and would be asking me what the thank you card in the hallway was for etc.

We have 2 dogs and she acts so possessive and entitled over them, when she visits no one else is allowed to walk them (she knows walking the dogs is my favourite thing and whilst I do invite her on some dog walks, tbh some of the time I want to use walking the dogs as an excuse to get away from her for an hour) She cottoned onto the fact I enjoy the peace and quiet and excuse to get away from her for an hour, so now she jumps out of bed at 6.30 when she's here to dash downstairs and walk them before anyone else is up (they don't have a morning walk with us, they just get an hour and half's walk at some point in the day when we have time) she does the same again in the afternoon, stands up and announces that she's going to walk the dogs and practically runs to get their leads. Doesn't ask if it's okay, just does it. We once asked her not to walk them and she threw an almighty strop, said we were being cruel for not allowing her to walk the dogs (it was once, they'd both caught something off the field the day before and had been throwing up all night) she was their granny and entitled to walk them?! WTF?!

She came to stay at the weekend and said her and FIL would be with us at midday, we had a party to go with the kids until 2pm so asked if she could arrive about 2.30/3. She said no, they wanted to get to us for lunchtime and to just leave a key out and they'd make themselves at home. I said to DH I wasn't really comfortable with this, why couldn't they just arrive when we asked. He agreed but he said he wanted to pick his battles with his mum so would just leave the key out.

When we got home, I asked who wanted a drink and went to walk to the kettle, MIL jumped up and said 'I'll make the teas' I said, no it's fine, they're guests I'm happy to make the drinks to which she huffily said 'This is MY grandchildren and Son's home, I'm entitled to make a drink.' I snapped back I know it was, but it's my home too and I'm also entitled to make a drink. It was so awkward after that. On the Sunday it was my dad's birthday so I scarpered over to my parent's whilst DH took the kids out with PIL and it was great to get a break.

This morning I go on Facebook and see my MIL has joined our village community page and is commenting on someone's post?! WTF, she lives 3 hours away, why on earth has she joined our community page? I know why, because she's desperate to prove that our life is also HER life and that SHE practically lives here too (when she doesn't).

It's like a power struggle every time we see her and I'm so over it, AIBU?

OP posts:
GentlemansRelish · 10/11/2023 12:19

No, she sounds ghastly. I suppose the issue is that she seems to spend a lot of time in your house for someone who lives quite a long way away. I think you just need to say, no, she's a visitor so you don't want to leave her a key, you want her to arrive at a time that suits you, and you want her to go along with your established routines. Maybe one ferocious scene where you say 'BACK OFF, MIL -- I REFUSE TO HAVE SOME POWER FIGHT ABOUT WHO WALKS THE DOGS AND MAKES THE TEA!' might clear the air.

It's also OK to just not like people you only have in your life through who you happened to marry. Neither DH nor I much like one anothers' mothers, and while I'm very fond of his dad, he finds my father's autistic behaviour difficult.

OhNoForever · 10/11/2023 12:23

Your dh needs to learn to say no to her. No, I don't want to leave a key out mum can you arrive at 2.30 please.

TwiddlingMyToes · 10/11/2023 12:28

Is your DH her only child? And does he make an effort to keep in touch with her generally?

My MIL has 2 sons (no daughters) and they're not too bad at keeping in touch with her, but I talk to her (and my own mother) far more. Maybe she feels like she needs to be the one to get that contact because her son doesn't initiate it?

Obviously her behaviour is crazy and not appropriate, I'm just trying to see where it might be coming from?

ClareWilsonNS · 10/11/2023 12:33

It's hard to judge because some of the examples you've given of her supposedly unreasonable behaviour seem perfectly normal to me, or at least something that can be tolerated with a little internal eye roll. For example:

  1. Her telling you she decorated her son's home. So what? She's understandably proud.
  2. You asked could she arrive at 2.30 because you're out til then. She says she'd prefer it to instead be midday and you leave a key. It's a 3-hour journey, older people like eating at set times and this works better for them.
  3. She asked what a Thank You card was for? She was curious, so what?
  4. She joined the local FB page. Again, she's curious about the life of her son and grandkids who presumably mean the world to her. Unless she starts telling lies about you on there, it's harmless.
Yes, the tea-making and the dog-walking arguments sound odd and annoying. But on this evidence, you are over-sensitive - perhaps you were both being unreasonable. Just leave those debates to her son, and make sure you get some time and space for yourself during the visits. You seem to be over-reacting to fairly normal behaviour here.
CSIblonde · 10/11/2023 12:39

Well done for standing up to her over the tea thing. You both need to put your foot down. She's going to go full on temper tantrum , as tests her MO to get you to back off, but shes walking all over you & the key thing , dogwalking, is marking her territory etc: & letting herself in is so invasive of your privacy. The world wont end if you do but if you put consequences in place, like " if you struggle with our boundaries, maybe its best for all if we dont see each other quite as often", and go thru with them, she will realise she can't get away with it.

Hoogieflip · 10/11/2023 12:43

@ClareWilsonNS: "older people like eating at set times." That's very patronising. Can you specify at what age we're all suddenly going to arrive at this stage?

Gymnopedie · 10/11/2023 12:45

I said to DH I wasn't really comfortable with this, why couldn't they just arrive when we asked. He agreed but he said he wanted to pick his battles with his mum so would just leave the key out.

But does he ever HAVE a battle or is there always some reason why 'not this time'?

Original poster
LoveattheWaterCooler · 10/11/2023 12:55

ClareWilsonNS · 10/11/2023 12:33

It's hard to judge because some of the examples you've given of her supposedly unreasonable behaviour seem perfectly normal to me, or at least something that can be tolerated with a little internal eye roll. For example:

  1. Her telling you she decorated her son's home. So what? She's understandably proud.
  2. You asked could she arrive at 2.30 because you're out til then. She says she'd prefer it to instead be midday and you leave a key. It's a 3-hour journey, older people like eating at set times and this works better for them.
  3. She asked what a Thank You card was for? She was curious, so what?
  4. She joined the local FB page. Again, she's curious about the life of her son and grandkids who presumably mean the world to her. Unless she starts telling lies about you on there, it's harmless.
Yes, the tea-making and the dog-walking arguments sound odd and annoying. But on this evidence, you are over-sensitive - perhaps you were both being unreasonable. Just leave those debates to her son, and make sure you get some time and space for yourself during the visits. You seem to be over-reacting to fairly normal behaviour here.

I disagree. I find it all rude./ odd behaviour. I'd never dictate to someone what time I'd be arriving at their house, so unbelievably rude.

The card, well yes it is a small thing but it she has gone round the house picking up all my birthday cards and read them before, in front of me, which again, I just find intrusive and odd. Again, perhaps I'm an overly polite guest but I wouldn't go around reading cards in someone else's house in case there was a private/ personal message in them. Her and I aren't close so why would I want her reading my cards?

The community page thing again, I disagree. It's odd, she doesn't live her. It even says when you join that the page is for residents only, she's not a resident. I have no desire to go and join my sister's community page or my parent's community page.

I definitely am being over-sensitive about some stuff, I agree but it's because it's been going on for years and I've finally had enough.

OP posts:
ClareWilsonNS · 10/11/2023 12:55

You are right @Hoogieflip I should have said "some older people" or even just "some people".

Original poster
LoveattheWaterCooler · 10/11/2023 12:59

Gymnopedie · 10/11/2023 12:45

I said to DH I wasn't really comfortable with this, why couldn't they just arrive when we asked. He agreed but he said he wanted to pick his battles with his mum so would just leave the key out.

But does he ever HAVE a battle or is there always some reason why 'not this time'?

Hmm, yes, it always seems to 'never be the time' He has challenged her a couple of times over the years which has resulted in her being po faced and sulky, but a lot of the time he just appeases her.

When she was throwing the strop about not being able to walk the dogs, I wanted him to say get a bloody grip and stop acting so entitled, they're not YOUR dogs. Instead he just kept saying 'Mum, it's lovely that you want to walk the dogs but we just want them rested for today.' That just wasn't strong enough because she wouldn't drop it and brought it up 3 more times before I finally snapped and said in a really stern voice 'MIL, we'd appreciate it if you didn't walk the dogs this morning, THANK YOU.' She sneered and did an indignant laugh and walked off. So rude.

OP posts:
Helenahandkart · 10/11/2023 13:00

I would take the dog leads to bed with me to scupper her 6.30am walk.

Rjahdhdvd · 10/11/2023 13:03

Christ she does sound a lot; I really would try to brush it off though and arrange things to do when she visits so you can escape. It sounds like she finds it hard being so far away.
I think also pick your battles; maybe put the dog leads where she won’t find them and then just say thanks for the offer but you’re walking them and she can’t then try to take that over

Screwballs · 10/11/2023 13:05

Holy crap, I couldnt deal with that. The tea incident alone showed exactly why she is behaving like this, she is clearly threatened by no longer being the "top woman" and fighting you for the position. Its pathetic. I'd be being much firmer going forward and calling her on it, because it honestly sounds like she thinks she's being clever.

Rjahdhdvd · 10/11/2023 13:05

Also the key thing you could just say you’re not comfortable leaving one out in case it’s found.

Screwballs · 10/11/2023 13:07

Rjahdhdvd · 10/11/2023 13:05

Also the key thing you could just say you’re not comfortable leaving one out in case it’s found.

Sorry MIL, lots of break ins. We'll be back at half 2 (then drag it out till 3 a couple of times), if you need somewhere to wait then there is a Morrisons Cafe a couple of miles down the road?

Therealjudgejudy · 10/11/2023 13:10

She sounds batshit!

StopPissingMeOff · 10/11/2023 13:10

I'd be tempted to message the Facebook group and say she's a scammer and not your real mil 😂

RandomMess · 10/11/2023 13:11

I would tell the village group moderators she isn't a resident. I agree with taking to dog leads to bed with you.

She sounds utterly tiresome!

JFDIYOLO · 10/11/2023 13:15

Keep saying

We'll be back at xx.00 and ready for you to arrive from xx.00.

No, we won't be leaving a key out because of the risk of breakins.

Have the dogs beds and leads in your bedroom so she can't get at them.

Maybe get a lock in case she marches in.

FictionalCharacter · 10/11/2023 13:16

She has no right to boss you around in your own home, but unfortunately your H is allowing her to. Yet again it’s an example of a weak man who prefers to let his wife be walked over than stand up to his domineering mother.

In calling herself the dogs’ granny (!), she’s trying to give herself a kind of joint ownership of them. She absolutely is NOT entitled to walk them as she claims. She isn’t their owner. She says your home is “HER son’s and GC’s home”. These are symptoms of the whole issue - she thinks your home, dogs and even your village belong to her too. And your H goes along with it.

Tell him you won’t stand for this any longer. If he won’t put a stop to this himself, you need to be very firm yourself and ignore the huffing. At the very least I would never give her a key and would make it very clear that H isn’t to give it to her either. Rearranging things while you’re not there is clearly territory-marking.

Bluela18 · 10/11/2023 13:16

LoveattheWaterCooler · 10/11/2023 12:55

I disagree. I find it all rude./ odd behaviour. I'd never dictate to someone what time I'd be arriving at their house, so unbelievably rude.

The card, well yes it is a small thing but it she has gone round the house picking up all my birthday cards and read them before, in front of me, which again, I just find intrusive and odd. Again, perhaps I'm an overly polite guest but I wouldn't go around reading cards in someone else's house in case there was a private/ personal message in them. Her and I aren't close so why would I want her reading my cards?

The community page thing again, I disagree. It's odd, she doesn't live her. It even says when you join that the page is for residents only, she's not a resident. I have no desire to go and join my sister's community page or my parent's community page.

I definitely am being over-sensitive about some stuff, I agree but it's because it's been going on for years and I've finally had enough.

Show quote history

I also disagree with this! It is very rude and odd behaviour. It's like she wants to have control over your lives and remain ' the main lady' in her sons eyes. She needs to understand that she can be very much a loving part of all your lives but when you start to control and become possessive that's when you get pushed out!! Just keep politely reinforcing your boundaries!

Ifulikepinacoladas · 10/11/2023 13:17

Helenahandkart · 10/11/2023 13:00

I would take the dog leads to bed with me to scupper her 6.30am walk.

Omg please do this 😂

But also your DH needs to speak up...

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 10/11/2023 13:18

So what battles does you DH pick because I'm betting its not often

cheddercherry · 10/11/2023 13:20

I’d probably miraculously have plans every-time they planned to visit… sorry I’m at a birthday party/ work event/ salsa competition/ space launch rather than engage in her pettiness.

I’d not stand being smirked and sneered at in my own home tbh, but I’d actually be more annoyed at my husband for not saying anything than the MIL who obviously is just an inherent arse.

Redissuereader · 10/11/2023 13:24

She's a pain, my MIL also reads all my cards, when she can't find one she thinks should be there she asks "where is your card from DH?" I replied well he wrote something very smutty in so it's in our room - her response... "I don't mind reading that" 😮I don't think the key excuses will work, you can string out the fact that your house insurance would be invalidated if you were broken in to but she'll just ask for a key to be cut. Your DH needs to have a word before you snap (which I think is actually the best course of action - a quick sharp "this is my home, my family, my children, my dogs, back off")