To find my MIL just so intrusive and possessive?

[LoveattheWaterCooler]

MIL has, from day 1 had a possessive chip on her shoulder. It's really hard to explain, there's been so many small things over the years that I can't really remember, but when I first met DH, she made a huge deal of telling me that SHE'D decorated and picked all the decor/ sofas etc for the house he was then living in. I was like, okay great, not sure why you're telling me this or why it matters? When I moved into that house a couple of years into our relationship, she made it clear she wasn't happy and I can't explain it, but when she came to visit, she'd make all these petty, possessive remarks about things.

We bought a house together, 4 years after we met. She lives 3 hours away and would make a big thing of messaging saying she was going to come and visit and DH could just leave keys out for her to make herself at home (we were both at work) there was no question of her just arriving after we'd got home from work. I'd get home and she'd have rearranged things in the living room and would be asking me what the thank you card in the hallway was for etc.

We have 2 dogs and she acts so possessive and entitled over them, when she visits no one else is allowed to walk them (she knows walking the dogs is my favourite thing and whilst I do invite her on some dog walks, tbh some of the time I want to use walking the dogs as an excuse to get away from her for an hour) She cottoned onto the fact I enjoy the peace and quiet and excuse to get away from her for an hour, so now she jumps out of bed at 6.30 when she's here to dash downstairs and walk them before anyone else is up (they don't have a morning walk with us, they just get an hour and half's walk at some point in the day when we have time) she does the same again in the afternoon, stands up and announces that she's going to walk the dogs and practically runs to get their leads. Doesn't ask if it's okay, just does it. We once asked her not to walk them and she threw an almighty strop, said we were being cruel for not allowing her to walk the dogs (it was once, they'd both caught something off the field the day before and had been throwing up all night) she was their granny and entitled to walk them?! WTF?!

She came to stay at the weekend and said her and FIL would be with us at midday, we had a party to go with the kids until 2pm so asked if she could arrive about 2.30/3. She said no, they wanted to get to us for lunchtime and to just leave a key out and they'd make themselves at home. I said to DH I wasn't really comfortable with this, why couldn't they just arrive when we asked. He agreed but he said he wanted to pick his battles with his mum so would just leave the key out.

When we got home, I asked who wanted a drink and went to walk to the kettle, MIL jumped up and said 'I'll make the teas' I said, no it's fine, they're guests I'm happy to make the drinks to which she huffily said 'This is MY grandchildren and Son's home, I'm entitled to make a drink.' I snapped back I know it was, but it's my home too and I'm also entitled to make a drink. It was so awkward after that. On the Sunday it was my dad's birthday so I scarpered over to my parent's whilst DH took the kids out with PIL and it was great to get a break.

This morning I go on Facebook and see my MIL has joined our village community page and is commenting on someone's post?! WTF, she lives 3 hours away, why on earth has she joined our community page? I know why, because she's desperate to prove that our life is also HER life and that SHE practically lives here too (when she doesn't).

It's like a power struggle every time we see her and I'm so over it, AIBU?

Also, if she does try to march in to get the dogs and complains when she finds the bedroom door locked -

'that's because we were having a damn good fuck at the time, MIL'.

She’s in a pissing contest with you. Trying to exert dominance in your ‘territory’ and Queen Bee it over your husband, your house, your kids, your dogs, and now your bloody neighbours!

I’m all for informality around family - we’re very much at home in each other’s houses and don’t stand on ceremony - but there’s still respect for normal boundaries and each other’s preferences. This doesn’t at all sound like what’s happening here.

Your husband may be reluctant to challenge her, but he needs to know that unless he supports you and starts pushing back on all this nonsense, he’s going to have a far bigger and more stressful shitshow to deal with when his wife and mother have a spectacular falling out - which you know is inevitably how this will go, OP, when you finally think ‘fuck it’ and start asserting your own boundaries.

OP, she sounds batshit. She wont be around forever though.

You DH clearly isn't going to stand up to her and I doubt she will take any notice of you so as PP have said, quietly scuppering her plans probably is the way forward.

Get her kicked off the community FB.
No key to your house
Hide the dog leads

I'd also laugh at her a bit
"haha MIL that's so funny that you call yourself the dog's granny. What an odd thing to say"

Not sure I'd be fighting her over who gets to make the hot drinks though. Let her crack on unless the tea is awful.

It's all in the context and delivery. Everything you have mentioned could be sweet and innocent or it could be batshit. The fact that she rearranges the furniture and takes ownership of the dogs suggests batshit

I don’t like my MIL’s behaviour similar to what you’ve described OP.

It is so nosey and rude to read cards and then to ask you about it is even worse.

Regarding the dog walks tbh I’d just be glad she was out of the house and not trying to join you when you walk the dogs.

Not a chance in hell would I leave out a key. I’ll be home when I’m home, they can wait elsewhere.

She is not entitled to anything in your house, she is there as a guest of you both.
DH needs to know that he either has a battle with MIL at times and has your back, or he will find himself in a battle with you. This is the only saving grace I have that DH stands up to his mum a lot and is very boundaried with her. But it took time and lots of incidents and she did rummage in our bedroom one day (wasn’t invited back for over a year and even then was probably too soon). She loves DC and for that I will tolerate her but on my terms.
She comments on everything, tidiness of the house, I say yes DH is really behind with that, I must help him out (because she acted like he needed a medal for changing a nappy).
I pass all wifework requests from MIL back to DH. I am pleasant and polite to her and buy her gifts etc. She causes offence to a lot of people so I’m not the only one to find her difficult. Everything good about our house or DC is down to DH according to her.
And for people who think she can’t be that bad, she raised him, he’s had therapy and his parenting is very different to how he was brought up.

I'd be concerned about the key business tbh. What's to stop her getting a copy cut and rocking up whenever she wants to?
Dh needs a kick up the arse.

About the key, why don't you get a friend to pop in using the key and "steal" your TV to show DH how easy it is?

I think I probably need to grow a pair as the thought of hiding the leads just cringes me out. It would be SO obvious and rude, but then she doesn’t give a shit about being rude so maybe I should just be rude myself.

It is not rude to ask someone, even a MIL, to take a step back in YOUR house. Be pleasant but be firm and say no. This will escalate, as it appears it already has, if you don't stop it now. Make sure she hasn't copied your house keys. She sounds the type.

It's like a power struggle every time we see her and I'm so over it, AIBU?

You are not being unreasonable.

This is a power struggle and the person who can close it down in your FP.

he wanted to pick his battles with his mum so would just leave the key out.

This is the crux of the problem. He has got to pick a side. If he doesn't pick your side and demonstrate that by not leaving a key l, then you have lost.

Make sure he realises what is at stake, he needs to reset boundaries with his mother. If he agrees and she just doesn't get to do things when you have said no, I think you can afford to let her do some things, like making tea or joining the Facebook group.

If he can't stand up to you, you have a choice your life is always going to be like this, MiL encroached on your life and tramples your boundaries. You need to decide what to do.

Let's hope your DP realised you are serious and agrees to enforce your boundaries.

Good luck.

Oh, and change the locks do not give her a key for the new ones ever. Look it up on YouTube it doesn't need a new lock, just the barrel.

Just in case.

And to reinforce to your DP that you are drawing a line, setting a boundary. He needs to decide whether he is going to have your back.

I wouldn’t be leaving a key out for anyone-isn’t that inviting a burglary??

She sounds hard work!

OMG my parents are your MIL, with my DB and SIL.

Tbf (although is it fair?), my parents (1) bought their house for them (2) look after their house when they're away on holiday (3) help them with childcare in their house (4) do some of their grocery shopping for them.

My SIL doesn't have a problem with it all, she has a very healthy approach of mucking in together. Lord bless her! My DB minds a little more but puts up with it because he knows he gets more than a fair deal. I cringe though, whenever I'm around! Neither DB nor SIL have any privacy, as far as I can tell. It's so odd.

Meanwhile, my own MIL has been known to go through my medicine cabinet; flip through the family calendar; read birthday cards/ wedding invitations/ notices left on the mantelpiece; go through my kitchen cabinets (what on earth for?!). I took to hiding everything vaguely personal before she came over. They've moved away from us now so rarely visit but <shudder> those times were horrid.

Absolutely do this, on a day when it's left out for MIL to arrive
SHe'll not only have the drama of not being able to get in, but nothing would have been stolen if the key hadn't been left out.

Agree with hiding the dog leads - take them to bed and to work in the day.

Let her crack on with tea making - does she wash up and clear away as well?

I feel your husband is a bit useless to be honest.
Your MIL sounds like a right pain, but I think that your husband need to step up a bit and set some ground rules for her. He sounds like he’s frightened of upsetting her.

Oooh she’s a crafty one, picking things which are clear power moves while being very awkward to object to without being made to seem petty. I actually hate her! Also, such a weird fucking game she’s playing, like what’s her end objective? Get her son to admit that his mummy is the best one?

Reminds me of my mil who also joined village fb pages. Batshit.

@Offcom is 100% correct.

Yes, you’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head. It’s exactly the problem, she’s so sly and that’s what maddens me the most. How can I complain about her walking the dogs, without sounding petty? She was never overly bothered about walking the dogs, until I stupidly let slip that I love walking the dogs, it’s my quiet time and around the same time, they were ill and so we asked her not to walk them. It’s like all of a sudden she thought ‘well if she can walk them, I need to be able to walk them, I’m just as entitled to.’

In fact everything she does is sly, all of it. The leaving the key out, the going through my cards, the joining the Facebook page, none of it is awful in certain context’s (as PP have pointed out) but in the context of her I know there’s hidden meanings and agendas behind all of it but if I object to any of it, I look like a petty cow.

You’re correct, she is sly, getting to your house before you do gives her an opportunity to snoop. Joining the Facebook group is almost like she’s stalking you.

If dh wont tackle her then you’ll have to. Don’t be worried about upsetting her, she’s not worried about standing on your toes is she?

“No, MIL, we won’t leave a key out, we’ll be home at whatever, we’ll see you then” and keep repeating it, then close down the convo with, “see you both at whatever time, safe journey”.
”I’m taking the dogs out today, you just relax with a cuppa”
“This MY home too, My dogs, My dh and My children. You are a guest. Please remember that”
Let her sulk, she’ll get over it.

Yes! Please do this, OP! And I agree that your DH needs to talk to her. It’s YOUR (your & your DH’s) home; NOT hers.

Also, this would INCENSE me:
she'd have rearranged things in the living room…

Stop leaving a key out. Say it invalidates your insurance.

Id let her make the tea and give her other jobs too so too, though once she’s been asked to do something she’ll probably pull back. And yes to removing the dogs leads, tell her it’s something you enjoy doing and you’ll continue to do it as they’re your dogs.

re the fab page, can you get in touch with one of the admins and explain that she isn’t a resident and that she’s actually being a pain in the arse and you’d prefer her not to be allowed to stay as a member.

I’d also explain to dh he either has an upset mother or wife, who does he think would be more problematic?

You have a DH problem.

MIL sounds overbearing and he should stand up to her and say the key won’t be left out.

If he leaves a key, I would come back myself and remove it 😂

She’s so determined to mark her territory all over your home and your life I’m surprised she hasn’t started pissing everywhere.

As ever, your husband needs to grow a bit of a spine. She only does what she does because he lets her.

She sounds unbearable and should respect you and your home and your wishes. She is a control freak. Good for you standing up to her as bet no one has ever done that.
I would not leave a key out for her as she could copy it if she has not done already and I would lock any personal things away as she seems to love snooping or else leave a vibrator on the bed and give her something to be shocked about ha!!
Has she always been like this or has she gotten worse as she has got older? Sounds like she needs to get her own dog to keep her busy and for walking.
I would get your husband to say to her that she should not be on your local group online as that is just her been pure nosy and controlling.
If I were you I would sit down with her and calmly tell her that you love to see her but she has to respect your house and you and if you want to make the tea then she should not confront you on that or about the dogs either. She sounds batshit crazy but handle her calmly and firmly and do not feel intimidated by her.
What does her husband say or does he just keep his mouth shut.
I have a sister and she also reads other people's cards and I was shocked at this when we visited our brother. She also opened my mail that went to my brother's house while we were staying there. Shocking and no respect and just nosy.
Your husband also needs to talk to her and tell her that she needs to realize it is not her home and to just stop acting as if it is. Imagine what she would be like if kids were in the picture.