Husband constantly telling me what not to do

[Hol932]

Recently it’s been really getting on my nerve that my husband tells me what ‘not to do’ or picks on little things I do with our 7 month old baby. For example walking down the stairs he’s like ‘hold onto the hand rail’. And ‘don’t slide the high chair between dining room and kitchen with the baby in it’, ‘don’t let him roll in the mornings incase he’s done a poo’ (which I don’t anyway?) but then he mentioned it was a suggestion for us both. Actually it’s not just with our baby it’s with our car as well. He’s constantly watching how I get in and out to make sure I don’t scratch anything/my coat zip doesn’t scratch anything. I’m just finding it all really tiring. I haven’t actually scratched/damaged the car at all. He thinks im very clumsy and dopey and I guess I am to a limit but not that much that I deserve this? But I’m really not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable and my husband is just making reasonable suggestions.

AIBU- husband is making reasonable suggestions.
YANBU- husband is unreasonable with his comments

How often does he look after baby alone?

he sounds anxious about something happening to the baby not to say its not irritating. .ask him if he wants to take over because he doesn't trust you.

Sounds like he's a bit stressed/anxious. I would ask him , say you've observed this and check how he's feeling and tell him how it's making you feel .
Young babies are hard work and from my experience looking back my kids dad wasn't managing , in fact we were both anxious and it impacted in our relationship . Good luck

This would drive me nuts, particularly if he’s not pulling his weight and getting involved.

He thinks im very clumsy and dopey and I guess I am to a limit but not that much that I deserve this?

He’s belittling you and sapping your confidence and you know it.

Tell him to stop micro managing you.

Rarely. He will look after him in the evenings for about an hour whilst I make dinner and on the weekends if I’m cooking/cleaning.

I should have mentioned I made the worst mistake recently and the baby fell off the bed. He was completely fine luckily. But I was the one watching. I know I shouldn’t have left him on the bed but I was sorting out his mattress sheet in the same room. My fault and I’m a bit traumatised by the whole thing. Husband made me feel like the worst human being possible as well.

On another occasion his head bumped into my tooth when he turned around. Happened twice and my husband also had a go at me for this.

So I think these incidents have made him anxious and want to micro manage me?

But then again I look after the baby 95% of the time which is why these incidents/bumps are more likely to happen with me?

He needs to stop it. He's criticising you constantly. Not on and unacceptable. Babies have accidents. Politely ask him to stop and say the constant criticism is unpleasant, does he have any respect for you as a person? Was he like this before but you didn't notice? Next time he starts at a weekend say fine if you're so perfect he's all yours for the day and leave for 12 hours.
Honestly his behaviour is not acceptable. My DH went through a phase of saying welcome to my world when dc was little. In the end I went ballistic and told how insulting and minimising it was and how it meant to me that he wasn't listening to me. He stopped immediately and rarely says it now. Perhaps your husband is unaware, maybe a serious word will fix it, but the constant sniping has to stop

Suggest you’d like a browse round some shops tomorrow afternoon. Leave him with the baby and enjoy. Hopefully he’ll reevaluate how carefully a parent copes with a young baby and comes to appreciate what you’re doing. He needs to relax into parenthood.
If this doesn’t work micromanage him in the same way till the penny drops and you both laugh about it.
Otherwise let it go in through one ear and out of the other!

I'm petty so I'd be taking a key to the car because then it's damaged for good and we can all get on with our lives not worrying about zips

Thanks. Yeah he thinks he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and ‘just making suggestions’. But I have lost a lot of confidence since the accident when he fell off the bed and he is not helping me regain it, Infact the comments are minimising like you say and making it worse so I will have a word with him.

Haha unfortunately I do like the car and that would upset me too. He doesn’t realise that I do want to take care of it as well lol

Well, did you talk to him about it?
My partner has a stupid habit to start every sentence with "make sure". I always say (in a non-emotive and calm way) "Can you please rephrase your request as if you are talking to an adult". We are slowly getting there.

I did and he said the reason he feels he needs to tell me these things is because he doesn’t want something to happen and for him to have to mention it after. I told him that’s his anxiety not mine and there has been a few accidents in the 7 months that I have looked after him 95% of the time so he needs to look at his own anxieties and have more confidence in me. He said he’ll work on it. I’ve also told him not to start comments with ‘make sure’ and ‘don’t do xyz’.

Start doing the same to him. Why is he only looking after his child when you are cooking and cleaning and therefore still on hand to assist him. When he is not at work he should be doing his fair share. You should go out more so he has sole care then you can keep reminding him what to do and not do.

I am also clumsy. I fell downstairs carrying first DS, I clattered down bobsled style and supported him, he was fine, laughed, I was bruised from bum to neck. Think holding on to a rail might have been worse for him. My son also fell off the bed (was absolutely fine) kicked me full force in the nose from above while I was playing with him (I was fine) and also banged his vast wobbly bonce off my teeth repeatedly (we were both fine). DD used to scale the fridge like spider woman and once rubbed nappy cream all over her entire body face, and hair. Babies are chaotic but durable people and do occasionally bash you/themselves. Both my kids are now huge (clumsy) teens 😂 He’s going to end up with an anxious child if he doesn’t calm himself. The baby thing, I get to an extent, especially if this is your first but it’s his issue to get over. The car thing is just being a prick, I’d say, sounds controlling and infantilising.

Just tell him if he wants it done his way then he’ll have to do it himself. Until then you’ll do it exactly however you want.

Children have accidents. If he’s with you 95% of the time, 95% of the accidents will be on your watch. Or most likely all of them because DH has him alone for such a short length of time he’ll be one-on-one not trying to juggle other things.

Exactly.

Your dc will have many accidents, and will sometimes get hurt, that's just life. It doesn't mean it's your fault, but parents often obsess about it and blame themselves. You really should stop beating yourself up about the one accident your baby had. She wasn't even hurt!

One of my dc fell off the bed when they were 6 months old and DH was looking after them. DH was distraught. Me blaming him would not have helped at all.

Your DH needs to step up and look after his child more. It's appalling that he only looks after her while you're cooking and cleaning. You get no time for yourself and he gets plenty of time to criticise you.

He needs to look after his child more. And needs to realise that these accidents only happen in your care because you are the only one actually doing the looking after

One fall off the bed and baby's head bumping into your tooth sound like 2 really normal accidents. it's impossible to keep a tiny moving creature completely protected at all times and when he starts crawling and standing, it'll be even more likely he'll have the odd bump. It's unfair and undermining of your DH to criticise you.

My DP became quite critical after the birth of our DD. It is a vulnerable time as a mother anyway and it made it all so much harder to feel unsupported. I got to the point where I was second guessing everything I did with DD. He's better now and looking back I think he just felt so out of control of it all with being out at work while I had full control over DDs life and it came out in trying to micromanage me. It was completely unacceptable though and has definitely changed our relationship for the worse. So I'd definitely raise it now and keep raising it every time he criticises you.

I'd also leave him with baby for a full day for example and you go out and do something for yourself - it might make him realise what it's actually like looking after a baby for more than an hour and maybe he could consider how demoralising it would be if he was criticised rather than supported while doing that all day every day.

He needs to do more
How will he learn otherwise? Take time out away from the house and leave him in charge

Of course! These things will always happen, and if he looked after the baby more they would definitely happen to him too. When they’re a toddler they’ll be getting bumps and scrapes all the time!

Every baby falls off a bed, EVERY BABy!! It wasn't the worst mistake . Baby is fine, and this will fine tune your instincts . My husband does this too, I have taken to saying 'I wasn't asking for advice thanks'.

Pretty sure I do this to DP 😬😬😬🤦🏻‍♀️

It would enrage me. I'd key the car just to give him something to worry about rather whether your zip might somehow scratch the paintwork. I presume this is not a Rolls Royce. He sounds wet, annoying and largely useless at childcare not being able to look after the child on his own.

Somebody once crashed into my husband's car when I was driving. I'd actually parked when a person backed into it. I rang up to tell my husband he had a fair bit more than a zip scratch on his car. He said the important thing was that I was all right and we'd get the car fixed.

I wouldn't worry about the fall off the bed. Just about eldest child I know has had it happen. It happened to my eldest and he is very clever - he'll be a doctor in two more years! I nearly fractured my skull as a child - hit concrete with my head - and I have two university degrees in hard subjects.