Husband constantly telling me what not to do

[Hol932]

Recently it’s been really getting on my nerve that my husband tells me what ‘not to do’ or picks on little things I do with our 7 month old baby. For example walking down the stairs he’s like ‘hold onto the hand rail’. And ‘don’t slide the high chair between dining room and kitchen with the baby in it’, ‘don’t let him roll in the mornings incase he’s done a poo’ (which I don’t anyway?) but then he mentioned it was a suggestion for us both. Actually it’s not just with our baby it’s with our car as well. He’s constantly watching how I get in and out to make sure I don’t scratch anything/my coat zip doesn’t scratch anything. I’m just finding it all really tiring. I haven’t actually scratched/damaged the car at all. He thinks im very clumsy and dopey and I guess I am to a limit but not that much that I deserve this? But I’m really not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable and my husband is just making reasonable suggestions.

AIBU- husband is making reasonable suggestions.
YANBU- husband is unreasonable with his comments

I'd be handing the baby over and saying since I'm clearly incompetent, feel free to take over.

Rarely. He will look after him in the evenings for about an hour whilst I make dinner and on the weekends if I’m cooking/cleaning.

Are you saying that the only time your partner watches the baby is when you're doing household chores? What about if you want an uninterrupted long hot bath? Or a haircut? Or lunch with your friends?

I'm really sorry to hear your baby fell off the bed but I don't think this is "the worst mistake". Accidents are accidents and they happen. You come across as a pretty careful person.

Op, shit happens. My tiny new born nephew fell off the sofa. I whacked my ds’s head on the door frame carrying him through. He fell down a wooden staircase when he was 2. I felt absolutely awful but they are now both lovely strapping 6’ plus 24 yr olds. It’s life. Who made him your boss? Tell him to back the fuck off.

My ex used to do this kind of thing - he too would say it's just a suggestion, or feedback - not criticism apparently! But it certainly felt like criticism.

My mental health improved dramatically when he left, once I'd got over the initial shock and heartbreak. It's very tiring living with someone who nitpicks. So YANBU.

The first year with baby is a struggle for many marriages. Most get over the hump with patience and understanding on both sides. I also had to put my foot down and say that I’m the mother, I carried this precious bundle and to start trusting me. He got the message and all good now.

My ex was the same with Dc2. Despite him not being involved at all in the everyday stuff, didn't change nappies, didn't feed, zero.

Yet every last thing I did, or didn't do, was scrutinised, criticised.

When dc was 2 I had to go to work for a really important meeting, so he graciously agreed to take Dc2 to playgroup, something I'd been doing for 2 years by myself without incident. Dc2 ended up in hospital with stitches because my ex 'just turned his head for a second'.

Tell him to shut up op. You're an adult, and have majority care of your dc.

Me too! Dd2 fell off changing table headfirst onto a wooden floor when she was 4 weeks old, I'd just bent down to get a nappy and must have zoned out as I was so tired. Also dropped same dd down the stairs when she was about 3 months old but thankfully caught her leg before her head hit the stairs. Even dd1 fell backwards off the settee arm when she was about 18 months onto a marble floor. To name just a few examples - both now mothers / mothers to be and seem to be none the worse for these accidents.

My dd rolled off our bed not once but twice. Now that's careless. Although I learned my lesson and neither of my sons did it.
He's being a twat. My dh asked me to "make sure" I didn't scratch our (my) car with the keys. I told him the only way to ensure I didn't was for him to always drive including taking me to and from work. Needless to say he rarely drives.
Sometimes you just have to tell them to wind their necks in.

I'd be saying things to DH like
"Don't accidentally degrade your marriage to the point of no return"
"oops, mind you don't dent your wife's perception of your gratefulness for carrying a baby for nine months to term"
(Sucking in breath) "careful, you're such a klutz with the respect for other people thing sometimes" and shake my head.

At best he's anxious at worst he's a controller which is abusive YANBUHe needs to step up with caring for his child without you in the house Go out for shopping and lunch with family member or friend and leave him to it for at least 12 hours !

Don’t be stressed about falling off the bed I’m pretty sure we’ve all done that, don’t be hard on yourself.

I have to agree with others, you need to leave him with the baby for a day but not just the baby give him a list of household tasks for example put a wash load on, hoover, change the cot sheet etc see how he manages juggling a baby and doing other tasks.

Typical first time parent anxiety 🫣 By the time you have 2 they fly off the bed and you brush them off. Nothing broken ok all good 🤭 Not quite like that but you worry far less!
Sounds like he’s anxious and worried and getting overly protective. It’s a tough one as he just needs to learn to let go sometimes.
Btw my first born fell off the bed too and my husband tried to make me feel like the worse human too. We’ve got two kids now and he’s way more chilled but we are nearly 6 years into our parenting journey so we’ve both learnt a lot in that time. He needs time to adjust.
You do need to let him spend more 1:1 time with your baby though so he gets to know what it’s like to do it. He won’t understand and to be fair my husband didn’t until we had our 2nd and he had no choice but to step up esp that I was verging on a nervous breakdown dealing with a newborn and a 2 year old. That’s when he learnt how tough it is and fully supported my decision to go back to work full time. Unless they are doing it they won’t get it.

Does he cook and clean OP?

Sounds like he’s anxious. Which makes you anxious, which is more likely to cause accidents! (The tooth thing).
falling off the bed please don’t beat yourself up, we’ve all made silly mistakes especially as first time parents. It will be the first time but it won’t be the last! They become a toddler and they do all kinds of idiotic stuff.

its only because he cares and can for-see things happening I suppose but maybe he needs some help if it’s constant becuase it’s not good for either of you!

OP please don’t beat yourself up about the bed thing! Baby is okay, accidents happen that’s why it’s called an accident!!!

Thanks everyone for making me feel better about the falling off the bed bit. I EBF so leaving baby for 12 hours wouldn’t be an option at the moment. Haven’t been to that hair dressers/had any self care days but really could do with a spa day. When going out with friends baby always comes with me too.

No but he works pretty much 7 days a week currently (wfh). Does a bit of cleaning in the evenings every other day.

I'd ask him, could he please think twice before he opens his mouth to ensure that what he says is going to be a positive contribution to the conversation rather than making you feel more anxious/stressed.

He sounds like one of those people who sucks the joy out of life. Ask him whether he wants you to be happy when he's around, or happy when he goes away again.

Honestly OP don't beat yourself up about your DC falling off the bed. I'm pretty careful and it happened to my DD when she was a baby. I wasn't even distracted just happened in a flash. Your DH needs to stop with the blame game all children have accidents. Once I was joining a busy A road accelerated a bit too hard and a hairbrush flew out of a bag and smacked my DD on the forehead, she did cry, but random shit happens!

Perhaps your DH needs to spend more time looking after your DC on his own while you have a bath or take a walk.

He sounds overly anxious, and being an arse. I think many mothers dole out similar “suggestions” to fathers of new babies too though!

I couldn’t live with that long term, but now that you’ve spoken to him, if it improves I’d move on. Parenting small babies tests the best marriages.

two things though - the bed thing, totally common. Happens to basically every baby! You don’t really think that “the worst mistake” a parent could make, do you? Be a bit kinder to yourself, it was just an accident and no harm done.

the other thing, and I do hesitate here…. I actually thinking Holding be handrail IS a good idea, and I wouldn’t be pushing the highchair from Room to room with a baby in- because if a leg catches a door jam, or carpet runner etc it could flip very quickly.

the car thing- that’s just him being a complete twat. Scratching with a coat zip, pffft!!!!

I’d be having a sit down ‘now, listen up’ conversation. He’s WFH 7/7 and does a bit of cleaning every second night? With a new baby? Isn’t he great, giving you passive aggressive advice on what not to do?

Your DH actually has my sympathy (as do you.) It sounds like he's got some anxiety about something happening to the baby. I am the same with my DCs. I visualise bad things happening as I'm looking at a situation, so have to give a warning, otherwise I'd feel negligent if the thing happened and I hadn't! It's an anxiety thing (even though I don't seem anxious to the casual observer!)
My DH knows why I do this, he knows it's not because I think he's less competent than me. So he doesn't take offence. Open communication is the only way to resolve issues like this. Talk about it calmly, when babies asleep. Not when something has just been said so you're feeling defensive.

I'm pretty sure most mothers drop a baby or let it fall off furniture at least once.

I want to say "all mothers" but there will be someone who says they never did.

But most do, I think.

If your husband were the primary carer, he'd have done it.