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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this ignorant and OTT?

54 replies

Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:03

So a member of my immediate family always has ear pods in. Listening to podcasts. Well not always but a lot! No ASD or sensory issues.

We were all in the kitchen today and chatting and I was talking to them. They didn’t answer. I then realised and said ‘oh you’ve got your ear pods in, did you hear what I said?’ I must have sounded irritated (I was) and they got the hump and are now sulking in their bedroom.

AIBU to think that it’s rude?
AIBU to think that huffing and sulking are OTT?
or AI just bloody U full stop?

OP posts:
hitherandhither · 09/11/2023 21:07

If it's your child then I guess it's about what boundaries and expectations have been put in place when growing up. If it's always been acceptable before, why would they think it's rude now?

I'd also if chatting in a group check that the person is showing the body language that shows they are listening to the conversation before talking directly to them. If they are not, I'd address them directly using their name first so they know I'm talking to them.

Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:15

hitherandhither · 09/11/2023 21:07

If it's your child then I guess it's about what boundaries and expectations have been put in place when growing up. If it's always been acceptable before, why would they think it's rude now?

I'd also if chatting in a group check that the person is showing the body language that shows they are listening to the conversation before talking directly to them. If they are not, I'd address them directly using their name first so they know I'm talking to them.

And an adult?

OP posts:
Ktime · 09/11/2023 21:15

Who is it? Do they live with you?

Why not just leave them be when you saw they had ear pods in?

Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:16

Ktime · 09/11/2023 21:15

Who is it? Do they live with you?

Why not just leave them be when you saw they had ear pods in?

So not rude having ear pods in in a communal setting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:17

Member of family. We all live together. One member very often has ear pods in.

OP posts:
Ktime · 09/11/2023 21:17

Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:16

So not rude having ear pods in in a communal setting?

Show quote history

No, not rude, it’s their home too, they are not obligated to stop what they’re doing to talk to you.

Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:18

Ktime · 09/11/2023 21:17

No, not rude, it’s their home too, they are not obligated to stop what they’re doing to talk to you.

Show quote history

Thanks. Interesting.

OP posts:
Ktime · 09/11/2023 21:19

It’s different if they are your partner or child though.

Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:19

I’m thinking I might start listening to audio books and going into my own little world too. What’s good for the goose…

OP posts:
Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:20

Ktime · 09/11/2023 21:19

It’s different if they are your partner or child though.

Edited

Go on …

OP posts:
justalittlesnoel · 09/11/2023 21:21

It's not rude in their own home to be doing their own thing and listening to things.

It's weird that you were all in the kitchen chatting (how many is all?!) and it took you getting no answer to realise they had AirPods in. Surely they'd not been contributing to the conversation?

It's probably politer to try and get their attention before just talking at them, if they're just going about their own business with AirPods in. It would be rude imo if they just put them in mid conversation or similar!

Ktime · 09/11/2023 21:21

Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:20

Go on …

Show quote history

I would expect a partner to acknowledge me whereas if a sibling didn’t want to remove their EarPods I wouldn’t push it.

quivers · 09/11/2023 21:21

Ktime · 09/11/2023 21:17

No, not rude, it’s their home too, they are not obligated to stop what they’re doing to talk to you.

Show quote history

It is downright bad manners to deliberately ignore other people who also live in the home.

tescocreditcard · 09/11/2023 21:22

Do you talk a lot? My lodger does and I put headphones on without even listening to anything just so she can see them and shut up.

neilyoungismyhero · 09/11/2023 21:23

I often do but think it is pretty rude.

Janieforever · 09/11/2023 21:23

You can’t have a rule that they aren’t allowed to listen to music or podcasts in communal spaces, it’s not bloody jail. Earbuds are the most polite way to do it, you can’t seriously think they are only allowed to use them in a bedroom in case you want to speak to them.

give over,

Janieforever · 09/11/2023 21:24

quivers · 09/11/2023 21:21

It is downright bad manners to deliberately ignore other people who also live in the home.

Show quote history

It wasn’t deliberately ignoring they were listening to something and didn’t hear them,

Ktime · 09/11/2023 21:24

quivers · 09/11/2023 21:21

It is downright bad manners to deliberately ignore other people who also live in the home.

Show quote history

It depends on who it is.

If I was listening to a good audiobook I would be irritated by a sibling demanding my attention unless it’s an emergency.

If it were my husband he would know to
leave me to my devices (literally) unless it was important. So if he saw my EarPods but still wanted to talk to me, I’d happily take them off.

We all deserve me time.

Londonscallingme · 09/11/2023 21:25

I think it depends on the context of the interaction. I wouldn’t expect anyone I lived with to take their earbuds out if they were popping into a communal area to get a cup of tea, however, I would expect my partner to remove their earbuds if we were doing normal life things together in a communal area.

Janieforever · 09/11/2023 21:25

Ktime · 09/11/2023 21:24

It depends on who it is.

If I was listening to a good audiobook I would be irritated by a sibling demanding my attention unless it’s an emergency.

If it were my husband he would know to
leave me to my devices (literally) unless it was important. So if he saw my EarPods but still wanted to talk to me, I’d happily take them off.

We all deserve me time.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly, I don’t use them, my husband does. I would be furious if he told me I wasn’t allowed to wear them if it was the opposite way round, how controlling,

hitherandhither · 09/11/2023 21:26

@Smileycup If it's an adult and it's your partner, then I'd be looking at whether this is a gradual change for their leisure time or a sudden change. I'd be thinking about why they are making that choice to disengage in family life so frequently. Do they feel excluded in some way so are choosing to distance themselves?

Justcallmebebes · 09/11/2023 21:27

The level of how unreasonable depends on the relationship. Sister/teenage DC, then meh. Husband, you've got a point

Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:31

Hmm. It’s a bit of a mixed bag. It seems I may be U. I am Peri so prone to feel high velocity rage at small things so I accept this possibility. Will go and do the usual count to 10, breathe deeply and then screaming into a towel next time.

OK. So this is DH in the kitchen. Me at table with DCs doing homework, him cleaning up a bit. He’d been involved in previous conversation (had interrupted me talking with one of the DCs so I was already irritated because he had a go at me if I do that). I focused on one DC and homework then other DC asked a question, I answered it but within that was asking DH things. That’s when I noticed.

OP posts:
readingwalker · 09/11/2023 21:32

I understand wanting to listen to the podcasts. They can be interesting. However it does frustrate me when my DH does it a lot because the normal comments you may pass, or questions you need to ask when doing things, don't get heard. He's there, but not there. It's fair enough he wants to listen when he's pottering around the house. I'm not there in the room all the time. It does change normal interactions though, and I don't like that. It makes me feel less connected to him. Maybe it's a me problem. I make sure to take mine out whenever the children enter the room so it's not interfering with normal interactions.

hitherandhither · 09/11/2023 21:34

OP, I love reading on my Kindle, and it can really irritate me when my partner enters the room and starts talking to me about random stuff and expects me to drop everything and listen, because I'm actually busy and right in the middle of a page! If I was watching a film on TV, he wouldn't do it and yet both are ways I choose to chill out.

If he and the kids (all are gamers!) we're talking about a game they were playing online together and I was reading my Kindle, I'd have no idea if they were talking to me unless they said my name first and were addressing me directly.

Does that help clarify?