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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this ignorant and OTT?

54 replies

Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:03

So a member of my immediate family always has ear pods in. Listening to podcasts. Well not always but a lot! No ASD or sensory issues.

We were all in the kitchen today and chatting and I was talking to them. They didn’t answer. I then realised and said ‘oh you’ve got your ear pods in, did you hear what I said?’ I must have sounded irritated (I was) and they got the hump and are now sulking in their bedroom.

AIBU to think that it’s rude?
AIBU to think that huffing and sulking are OTT?
or AI just bloody U full stop?

OP posts:
Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:34

Janieforever · 09/11/2023 21:23

You can’t have a rule that they aren’t allowed to listen to music or podcasts in communal spaces, it’s not bloody jail. Earbuds are the most polite way to do it, you can’t seriously think they are only allowed to use them in a bedroom in case you want to speak to them.

give over,

No. I don’t think this. I’m not sure if I’d have a ‘rule’ at all really. I guess it’s probably more of an assumption that if we are all in the same space we are ‘together’. Also if I did the same thing then who would be listening to DC. But not a rule. May be I’m a bit envious and I’d like to go around listening to a good book really. May be I will…,

OP posts:
ltappleby · 09/11/2023 21:34

I bought some AirPods a few months ago I usually wear them when I’m alone. However I’ve noticed something odd about DH’s behaviour on the rare occasions I’ve worn them in his company - he won’t stop trying to talk to me! We’ve been married nearly 40 years and aren’t chatterers - usually it’s companionable silence, but not if I put in the AirPods.

Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:36

readingwalker · 09/11/2023 21:32

I understand wanting to listen to the podcasts. They can be interesting. However it does frustrate me when my DH does it a lot because the normal comments you may pass, or questions you need to ask when doing things, don't get heard. He's there, but not there. It's fair enough he wants to listen when he's pottering around the house. I'm not there in the room all the time. It does change normal interactions though, and I don't like that. It makes me feel less connected to him. Maybe it's a me problem. I make sure to take mine out whenever the children enter the room so it's not interfering with normal interactions.

Yes. That’s exactly it. You’ve articulated better than I could. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:37

tescocreditcard · 09/11/2023 21:22

Do you talk a lot? My lodger does and I put headphones on without even listening to anything just so she can see them and shut up.

No. I’m not a talker. Quiet really. He’s a talker. Mostly all the facts he’s learned from podcasts. 😂

OP posts:
HardcoreLadyType · 09/11/2023 21:38

I love listening to books and lectures on audible. It helps me concentrate on boring chores, and has improved my life immeasurably.

DH used to get really pissed off with me always listening to something. He would barge into the kitchen, and demand my attention, and be grouchy when I didn’t immediately respond to him.

One time, I explained to him how much enjoyment I get from listening, and he has really taken it on board, and will make sure he has my attention first if there’s something important he needs to say.

Sulking is always a bit childish, but so is demanding someone else’s attention at the drop of a hat (unless it’s urgent, of course).

Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:38

ltappleby · 09/11/2023 21:34

I bought some AirPods a few months ago I usually wear them when I’m alone. However I’ve noticed something odd about DH’s behaviour on the rare occasions I’ve worn them in his company - he won’t stop trying to talk to me! We’ve been married nearly 40 years and aren’t chatterers - usually it’s companionable silence, but not if I put in the AirPods.

Ooo. That’s interesting. I wonder what it’s about.

OP posts:
gentlemum · 09/11/2023 21:39

My husband has one earpod in a large amount of the time at home and it really annoys me as I either can't talk to him or I say something and he doesn't hear or he half hears and then doesn't engage in conversation properly. I think it's fine when on your own but if family are around and wanting to chat or say passing comments it's quite rude to have earphones in

tescocreditcard · 09/11/2023 21:40

I'm curious now. What was it you asked him?

It's generally a consensus then that its an OK thing to do and I would agree with that.

It's important to stay connected when coupled up though. If one half of a couple just switches off it means there's no connection. Could you try to have a good half an hour of talking when you both get home then another half hour before bed. I can see both points really.

Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:41

HardcoreLadyType · 09/11/2023 21:38

I love listening to books and lectures on audible. It helps me concentrate on boring chores, and has improved my life immeasurably.

DH used to get really pissed off with me always listening to something. He would barge into the kitchen, and demand my attention, and be grouchy when I didn’t immediately respond to him.

One time, I explained to him how much enjoyment I get from listening, and he has really taken it on board, and will make sure he has my attention first if there’s something important he needs to say.

Sulking is always a bit childish, but so is demanding someone else’s attention at the drop of a hat (unless it’s urgent, of course).

I don’t think I demanded his attention. I’d just assumed that because he’d interjected in a conversation with DC just moments before and we were all in the same room that he was ‘with us’ so was a bit irritated I was going to have to repeat myself.

Im thinking I might start listening to audio books. But then if both of us do that the DC are going to be ignored.

OP posts:
tescocreditcard · 09/11/2023 21:43

Im thinking I might start listening to audio books. But then if both of us do that the DC are going to be ignored.

Do it when it's just you and him. Or better still, do it when his family come to visit.

Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:43

tescocreditcard · 09/11/2023 21:40

I'm curious now. What was it you asked him?

It's generally a consensus then that its an OK thing to do and I would agree with that.

It's important to stay connected when coupled up though. If one half of a couple just switches off it means there's no connection. Could you try to have a good half an hour of talking when you both get home then another half hour before bed. I can see both points really.

Mostly the conversations were homework related. I can’t remember what it was but something to do with DC’s question. A kind of organisy type thing I think. Boring minutiae of life stuff. Nothing exciting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:44

tescocreditcard · 09/11/2023 21:43

Im thinking I might start listening to audio books. But then if both of us do that the DC are going to be ignored.

Do it when it's just you and him. Or better still, do it when his family come to visit.

😂😂😂 Can I? Tee hee.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:44

gentlemum · 09/11/2023 21:39

My husband has one earpod in a large amount of the time at home and it really annoys me as I either can't talk to him or I say something and he doesn't hear or he half hears and then doesn't engage in conversation properly. I think it's fine when on your own but if family are around and wanting to chat or say passing comments it's quite rude to have earphones in

Well that’s my view too but it seems we may be in a minority.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 09/11/2023 21:46

I do think putting your own earbuds in when the dc aren’t there and it’s just him should highlight any double standards here ,and I’d be very surprised if you don’t find there are double standards!

haribosmarties · 09/11/2023 21:46

So you expect everyone to be alert and waiting all the time.. in case you decide to speak to them... in their own home?
This makes me uneasy as an introvert. Luckily my husband is also Introverted and would never take offense if I was listening to something on headphones or reading a book... which I am a lot of the time.

Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:55

haribosmarties · 09/11/2023 21:46

So you expect everyone to be alert and waiting all the time.. in case you decide to speak to them... in their own home?
This makes me uneasy as an introvert. Luckily my husband is also Introverted and would never take offense if I was listening to something on headphones or reading a book... which I am a lot of the time.

No not all. I just assumed that because he’d been involved in the conversation moments before and we were all in the kitchen that he was ‘present’.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smileycup · 09/11/2023 21:56

Codlingmoths · 09/11/2023 21:46

I do think putting your own earbuds in when the dc aren’t there and it’s just him should highlight any double standards here ,and I’d be very surprised if you don’t find there are double standards!

I’ll let you know!

OP posts:
SwingTheMonkey · 09/11/2023 22:04

This is the most bizarre thread. Who puts in ear buds during ‘family time’ and zones out so they aren’t part of the going’s on?

Id not be happy at all, op.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 09/11/2023 22:05

Anytime I cook, clean, do laundry etc I have my headphones on.
I usually listen to music or audiobooks.

If my DC want to talk to me then I pause it but I would rather I’m left to get on with it.

Do you never read in bed?
Would you think was a rude thing to do?

If you were talking to him and mid sentence he just put his headphones on, then that would be very rude.

But if you were talking to the kids and he was tidying/cooking etc then I don’t see any issue with it.

I absolutely love listening to audiobooks and many libraries do them online for free.
Its worth checking out.

HappiestSleeping · 09/11/2023 22:06

What about changing the scenario to test your reaction?

Let's say he was reading a book. Glanced up, interjected into the conversation, and went back to being immersed in the book. Then subsequently didn't hear something you said.

Would that make you feel the same, or would it somehow be more acceptable?

readingwalker · 09/11/2023 22:09

HardcoreLadyType · 09/11/2023 21:38

I love listening to books and lectures on audible. It helps me concentrate on boring chores, and has improved my life immeasurably.

DH used to get really pissed off with me always listening to something. He would barge into the kitchen, and demand my attention, and be grouchy when I didn’t immediately respond to him.

One time, I explained to him how much enjoyment I get from listening, and he has really taken it on board, and will make sure he has my attention first if there’s something important he needs to say.

Sulking is always a bit childish, but so is demanding someone else’s attention at the drop of a hat (unless it’s urgent, of course).

It's not about expecting attention on demand, it's about being able to have normal interactions and companionship.

readingwalker · 09/11/2023 22:13

I listen to and enjoy audiobooks. If someone is around me though, I think it would be rude to be shut off like that, so I always switch it off.

I think part of the issue with DH is that you can't tell if he has the ear pods in. You don't find out till you try to talk to them that they are there. Might as well try to interact with the sofa.

Unfortunately for DH my libido is related to feeling close and companionship, so that's suffered and reduced.

BibbleandSqwauk · 09/11/2023 22:14

I don't know. I think it's different to if someone is reading. It's mildly irritating to be interrupted when reading but unless it's important easy enough to say, let me just the finish the chapter. You're still "there". If the person has earphones / buds in though, they are totally in their own world and cut off from the family and ebb and flow of communal living.

I do wonder if the increase in intolerance of other people's normal human behaviour that we see so much of on here (rants about queue faffers or insufficient politeness or whatever) is due to us being so used to being utterly isolated behind screens and earphones and infringement on that feels "bigger" than it used to.

readingwalker · 09/11/2023 22:18

BibbleandSqwauk · 09/11/2023 22:14

I don't know. I think it's different to if someone is reading. It's mildly irritating to be interrupted when reading but unless it's important easy enough to say, let me just the finish the chapter. You're still "there". If the person has earphones / buds in though, they are totally in their own world and cut off from the family and ebb and flow of communal living.

I do wonder if the increase in intolerance of other people's normal human behaviour that we see so much of on here (rants about queue faffers or insufficient politeness or whatever) is due to us being so used to being utterly isolated behind screens and earphones and infringement on that feels "bigger" than it used to.

Yes, you can just look up from a book. It's different to being on a completely different planet (might as well be).

LQNavarro · 09/11/2023 22:22

I have a broadly similar problem with DH, except that in his case he's just discovered how to stream Amazon Music through his Bluetooth - equipped hearing aids. I was a little annoyed at first, I admit it, but he's so happy to be able to listen to his Genesis and Pink Floyd and the like again that I haven't the heart to say anything.

I don't think normal interactions are impacted significantly, to be honest. A tap on the shoulder is enough to bring him back from 1973 or wherever the hell he's been! And it's actually quite sweet to hear him singing along. It's only a matter of time till I catch him playing air guitar...