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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What am I in relation to this baby?

59 replies

Nmchnger · 09/11/2023 18:47

Before my husband and I met he was in a relationship with an older woman who had a child. The child was 11 when they met and was in her early 20's when they split up. She doesn't know who her biological father was (her mother either doesn't know or won't tell her). My now husband has been 'dad' to her for many years now, she's now in her early 30's, calls him dad and they have a normal father/adult daughter relationship.

She lives at the other end of the country but visits regularly and my family have embraced her as part of the family, with my parents joking she is the closest to a grandchild they'll have as both myself and my sister are child free.

She met her boyfriend a couple of years ago and they are now expecting a baby in the new year.

They and my husband are referring to him as 'grandad' but he keeps jokingly calling me 'granny'. He has done this in their presence and they seem to be OK with that. However even though she doesn't really get along with her mum, she is still most definitely in their lives and I am very conscious that this baby will already have a granny (2 in fact) and even though I've never met her mum I don't want to be seen to be usurping her. Any ideas what baby could call me?

OP posts:
Bboy1234 · 09/11/2023 18:49

Both me and my stepdaughters mum are 'Nanny' to our granddaughter. I think if he's been her 'dad' for so long and she is happy with it then granny is fine

Sirzy · 09/11/2023 18:51

i would just take it as a compliment that she sees you in such a postive roll in her life she wants you to be granny to the little one. Take your lead from her.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/11/2023 18:51

She’s your step-granddaughter so ‘granny’ sounds about right.

She can have two grannies.

Wotsitfappe · 09/11/2023 18:53

You are step grandma so granny or anything like that is suitable. It's nice to be chosen!

Nmchnger · 09/11/2023 18:54

Thank you for your replies. I just don't want to upset her mum by automatically assuming the 'granny' title.

OP posts:
MakeTeaNotLove · 09/11/2023 18:54

YABU. Those of us with step parents have kids with three or more grandmas or granddads. It's very normal these days. Grandparents aren't a finite concept. If you don't want to be seen as a grandma that's fine but don't say it's to avoid confusion or because "she already has a mum" that makes no sense.

EatYourVegetables · 09/11/2023 18:55

Many kids have 3 grannies. (Or more…)

berksandbeyond · 09/11/2023 18:55

You could be ‘nanny/gran your firstname’ if you think her mum will be precious over the granny title

Nmchnger · 09/11/2023 18:56

Maketeanotlove I'm not using this as an excuse! I just don't want to piss anyone off.

OP posts:
Nmchnger · 09/11/2023 18:58

My parents on the other hand are already massively excited to be 'great-grandparents' and have already set up a bank account for the baby!

OP posts:
secondfavouritesocks · 09/11/2023 18:58

just ask her what she wants the baby to call you, say you are happy with anything, granny, nan, aunty, whatev er she wants - it is easily sorted with a quick conversation

Foodylicious · 09/11/2023 18:58

I think you let the baby's parent chose what to refer to you as and go with that.
I don't think you need to bring it up, let them do it.

Apossum · 09/11/2023 18:58

It’s very thoughtful of you that you don’t want to tread on anyones toes. I think I would double check what your stepdaughters mother is to be called, to make sure I didn’t inadvertently choose/be given the same name, just in case, but otherwise if stepdaughter and her partner are happy, accept granny/nana/grandmama/whatever and feel happy at having such a good relationship with stepdaughter.

Changingplace · 09/11/2023 18:58

I had a step grandma and she was Nanny first name

SwirlyWhirls · 09/11/2023 19:00

You are a granny or nana (what I called mine) or nanny or whatever variation you choose. Congrats on the addition to your family!

Sirzy · 09/11/2023 19:00

Nmchnger · 09/11/2023 18:58

My parents on the other hand are already massively excited to be 'great-grandparents' and have already set up a bank account for the baby!

How fantastic that the baby is going to be surrounded by so much love!

Bigbirthdaycomingup · 09/11/2023 19:01

Oh this is lovely! Just ask your SD what she would like you to go by.

Spottyhousecoat · 09/11/2023 19:01

My kids have 2 granpas and a papa, papa is my stepdad who's been in my life since I was 10. My kids don't see him as any different to their biological granpas, in fact he sees them more!
It's what the kids think that matters not the other granny.

Yardley42 · 09/11/2023 19:03

I think 'granny firstname' could work well.

DaughterNo2 · 09/11/2023 19:05

secondfavouritesocks · 09/11/2023 18:58

just ask her what she wants the baby to call you, say you are happy with anything, granny, nan, aunty, whatev er she wants - it is easily sorted with a quick conversation

This! It’s nothing to do with what your husband thinks. It’s up to his daughter what she would prefer you to be known as surely

Nmchnger · 09/11/2023 19:05

It's so nice to hear that everyone thinks this will work out. This baby will be surrounded by people who love them. I think my husband is pretty awesome to have this relationship with his stepdaughter even after his relationship ended.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 09/11/2023 19:06

Just say to her "I'll be whatever you want the baby to call me"

bridgetreilly · 09/11/2023 19:09

Granny Firstname
Granny Surname
Granny Nickname
Grandma
Gran
Nana
Nanny
Nan

we

I had a Gran at Placename, to distinguish her from Gran Surname. It’s a really normal thing to find ways of referring to multiple grandmothers.

ZellyFitzgerald · 09/11/2023 19:11

Due to a step family situation, my children have three grandads so we call them Grandad 'Name'. Seems to work well.

SMTWTFS · 09/11/2023 19:11

You sound lovely and thoughtful ❤️